A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was in an eighteen year relationship with someone who was a binge drinker and I finally plucked up the courage to leave him some months ago. I need help with some of the leftover crap from that please.My background: I got married at 18, pregnant at 20 and then divorced at 24. I am from a highly dysfunctional family. However, I was always very bright at school and I have always worked exceedingly hard doing jobs that I hated and paid my way, bought my flat, never had assisted housing etc, brought up my daughter well (she just graduated from uni). I also put myself through higher education and now have a doctorate in a field that I love - but no job to go with it, which is scary.I did this with no help whatsoever from my family (just abuse instead) and no financial or emotional/practical support from my ex husband. When I was growing up, my elder sister was diagnosed with various mental illnesses and was violent and chaotic, so our home became hell. As well as this my Mum psychologically abused me along with my younger sister who began to mimic my mother's ways. Generally speaking, I am an exceptionally patient, calm, caring and open person who people are drawn to. BUT, growing up I was unbelievably shy and this made it extremely difficult for me to make friends especially because I lived in a small town where people were very judgemental of my elder sister and also found my mother and our home very odd - it was! It and she were quite horrible and I was ashamed! I pre-empted people's rejection and would not let anyone close to me.Over the years I had jobs where I was very isolated and made very few real friends. Whilst on my PhD programme I made some really close friends that I love, but I don't have that many 'mates'- whereas everyone else in the city seems to be 'networked up' even people who come from overseas seem to have a network over here already. Conversely, when I was with him my ex was having a great time socialising and making headway in his career. I was forever in his shadow and completely overlooked despite working in the same field. I gave him a massive amount of support and put up with things that most functional people would simply have dumped him for. I never thought to ask him for much practical support at all, just put up with his awful behaviour and the lack of support through him always being hungover/not coming home at nights/arguing etc.After 8 years of hard core struggling as a parent and with my (then) partner out all the time/arguing daily about splitting up etc, mother dying, pressures of a really tough MA programme whilst working and being a parent, (the list went on and on) I was starting to crack emotionally under the strain of it all. I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that I accepted the attentions of another man - and I could have easily found another really appropriate boyfriend because at this time I was very popular with guys at college - who was entirely inappropriate and whom it made no sense for me to see at all. However, this guy was connected to a vast amount of people in the field that I love and want to work in. To call it an "affair' would be technically correct - but my state of mind at the time was literally all over the place; I didn't even enjoy being with him for much of the time, we had little to no sex and when we did it was AWFUL, my "boyfriend" continued to treat me like dirt and I honestly, at that time, had no idea from day to day whether we were together or not but was cowardly and too afraid to leave.It was a mess and I regret it deeply. To make matters worse I began binge drinking myself sometimes (I'm honestly not usually a drinker and I rarely have drunk since then) and ended up getting into a few - not many but enough to ruin my repuation - situations in which I would start arguing with people from the same programme/"set" of people. In all this time I was honestly giving out SO much to others by way of care and friendship - really bending over backwards to help through fear that if I did not then people would reject me. What I did not understand was that people back then were willing to take and take from me and no-one ever asked if I needed help or if I was coping okay. The ethos of the programme that I was on was that "losers" were not to be tolerated, so no-one wanted to be seen to be weak in any way. Apart from these things I did nothing else that was horrible - I never bitched about people behind their back like the others all seemed to, I never had anything to do with any of the men except for this one strange guy who was not on our programme and I kept working in my dayjob, and came out with top marks for the programme itself.However, the problem is that although I am really turning my life around now what happened back then has made it so hard for me to move onwards and get a job. I've done 'top marks' again on the PhD but the jobs are all "word of mouth" and I am basically ostracised by that same group - they are a very far reaching set and I've been aware that word has spread about my behaviour and it continues to really hurt me. What seems to make it worse rather than better is that people don't otherwise see me as a loser at all - I'm known for being exceptionally good at what I do and for being an extremely hard worker - but word has gotten around, I think, that I am "messed up" inside and not to be trusted.Back then I finally did come to my senses after about six months and "dumped" the guy that I was never really with anyway - ie the "affair" guy and stayed with my partner for another ten eight years after that programme ended. But I am still being ostracised by friends of the original set - this even extends to including tutors on our programme who used to teach on the MA and who, for example, are now partners with ex students, and who liked me a lot whilst I was on the programme, but now Blank me when they see me - it really hurts me.I'm not sure what to do with this. I feel in a sense that of course these people have some basis for judging me - but what seems unfair is that it seems worse because possibly they were jealous that I was otherwise excelling. It really upsets me and I feel that it stems from my abusive background where I never really got to grips with the whole "this is how it works" in terms of the social side of school and such because I was ostracised back then due to my sister; the mistakes that I made on my MA were probably mistakes that a teenager would make and then get over - but I was always "out of the picture", so never learned those rules earlier on. What makes it worse also is that not a single person has actually said anything to my face or tried to talk with me openly about what happened. I've explained to my friends now what happened back then and they are very shocked, but they understand because now that we are older they can see that I was performing miracles just to get through each day - even so they struggle to picture me behaving like that. At least one of these people actively undermined my chances of getting a job in the college where I was doing my PhD and I know that other opportunities where friends call on friends to help out with part-time opportunites just are not coming my way because I'm being blocked. I simply don't know how to move on from what I did and no-one of these people is giving me any opportunity to do so because they simply blank me or look at me with loathing. Jobs in the area that I want to work in are like gold dust - so competitive. I don't need to be told off for what I did - I feel such deep regret for this, so please hold off with the judgements. Any insights or help would be so appreciated, thanks.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Thanks for the update, you really are a kind and thoughtful lady. Chocoholicforever knows more about that world than I do, and all her words were very wise, please consider her words carefully before you make your next move.
Blessings, and strength to you always.. Good luck.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (5 December 2011):
You have had a very difficult life and your accomplishments are nothing short of amazing, made even more so by the obstacles you faced. You are clearly a 'survivor' and for that you are to be commended.
Everyone makes mistakes, and I think that after recognizing the mistakes you've made, the next step is you need to learn to forgive yourself. No one is perfect, and your past mistakes of judgment, in some ways, could be seen as inevitable given the circumstances. Being a 'survivor' you've no doubt developed a lot of self-reliance and mental toughness. However, this may have taken on extreme proportions to the point where you were unable to ask for help effectively (and thus to receive the help you needed early on) and thus made mistakes in handling your interpersonal problems. Binge drinking, having an affair - these were activities that served to dampen the extreme pain and suffering you were experiencing, in the only way you knew how or knew to be accessible. You realize now that those were not good things to have done, and you've long since stopped them, so don't beat yourself up about that anymore. Some times we can only learn from making mistakes.
I think you're carrying around a lot of guilt and shame not just for your past mistakes but due to having had shame imprinted on you from an early age due to your abusive home. This shame has been called "toxic shame" by psychologists, and it can be crippling in the sense of affecting the course of people's lives in the decisions they make and how they see the world and themselves. http://www.goddirect.org/mindemtn/writings/january/toxshame.htm
I recommend seeing a counselor or a therapist to help sort through these toxic shame issues and begin the process of healing and learning to forgive yourself and accept yourself and free yourself mentally from your past burdens. It won't be easy or quick (it can take a lifetime) but it will be worth it.
as for the job situation. You don't mention what field your PhD is in, or what kind of a job you're seeking. Are you trying to get a job in academia (as a professor)? I too have a PhD (in a physical science discipline) and was in academia for a number of years. I can tell you firsthand, though you probably may already know this, that academia can be very snobbish, elitist and 'in-bred' (meaning that everyone who succeeds in that field all trace their lineage to the same handful of powerful people as being students or proteges of them or associated with them).
The reason I say this is because I hate to be depressing, but as a realist I think that if you're trying to get an academic position in your current field, it's highly unlikely to happen given how you describe your colleague's reactions to you (whether justified or not). The academic job market is tough enough as it is without having a bad reputation. If for whatever reason you have a bad reputation or are simply disliked by many of your colleagues and peers, I think that practically speaking you probably should reconsider a different career or at least consider switching fields (which is not easy and is a major setback time wise). But the fact is that you're not going to change an entire group of people or the culture of academia that places image and networking so highly. That is not to say that your PhD is wasted. You might try switching fields, I don't know how do-able that is in your field, but just to get away from the old set of colleagues. It can be very difficult breaking into a new field but it would at least be something new to try. otherwise, you could focus on using your skills in the non-academic job market. It does present a whole new set of difficulties as many employers see a PhD as an overqualification and thus a liability. But given that the non-academic job market is much larger, somewhere there's bound to be some opportunities and where you have more chance to start from a clean slate and where the opportunities certainly are broader and less dependent on a small 'in bred' group of insiders (who unfortunately don't like you.).
So in summary, I think that for your job situation you should pretty much leave your current field (assuming you're trying for an academic position). I feel that it's simply not realistic at this point. However, symbolically speaking leaving your field could result not only in job prospects but also could be what you need to "move on" emotionally as well because of not continually subjecting yourself to people who have pigeon-holed you in a negative light for many years already and are thus unlikely to change their view of you no matter how much you achieve. good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): Hi Everyone, thank you so much for your help. In combination your answers have helped me to get a more positive perspective on things. I understand whereyou are coming from hpoco re. the counselling - but I think maybe I came across as a bit intense about it all because I rarely ever discuss it - it all came out at once! And thanks ChaliceODamnation, I think that you are right about finding an employer who will judge me on my own merits. My especial thanks, though to C.Grant - I read the posts on this site regularly and I always think that you give really solid and great advice to people - I really appreciate your time with this. And Miamine - yes, this was great advice thank you,especially about the working 'sideways' and you are right about John Stuart Mills - way ahead of his time. It is reassuring to know that these brilliant men all had their own 'problems' but managed to come out doing great things. It does make me wonder again, though, whether in general women who do 'bad' deeds get judged more than men? Not sure about that one...but thanks all of you I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 December 2011):
Not sure I understand your world where it comes to education. For me, education is about the subject. You focus and study and get top marks, and then you go beyond that and get creative and write original stuff. That's what gets you in, not your ability to please or make friends. Tons of intellectual people aren't very social, they are too busy in the library, or they often have mental issues like bi-polar or Aspergers and therefore they love books more than people.Yes of course you want to make friends, and yes I understand that with your background that is problematic. But you don't have to make friends in the education world. You can study, and then make friends at church, during voluntary work, or somewhere else instead. I made friends when I studied, but what we talked about was study, and then we made jokes. My real friends are mostly from childhood, some are from work, and some are guys I dated, or women I meet on the bus or bumped into one day.The kind of crowd your talking about, it's all about office politics, and backstabing. That's not the type of friends you need.Best way to clear the air, is to change your image a lot. New different clothes, new hairstyle, make up, a total transformation. Then you concentrate on the work and the subject only and be very cool and calm around the people you knew before. People like to put us into boxes, they like to keep us in the past. But you don't need to stay there. Look at Lady Gaga, look at Madonna, them women know how to change their image, and everyone forgets about how they acted, thought and dressed from before.You sound like a people pleaser, that has to stop. With this new cool image, your too busy to please people, your confident and ambitious and you want to reach the top.Albert Einstein, few friends at school, failed all his exams, discovered theory of relativity. John Nash, bi-polar, acted strange, committed to hospital, won Nobel prize. John Stuart Mills, nervous breakdown, affair with married woman, his "on liberty" book is still a classic, and he he challenged his father and was brave enough to say you are wrong, your theory is not right. John Stuart Mills was a feminist, in a time when women had no rights, he didn't care what people said.You can love the subject and strive to be the best, or you can people please, gossip, backstab and play games with people who don't like you and people who you actually hate. Stop looking for approval from other people. You are number one, you know you have morals, you try to be good... of course there will always be jealous people around you, stay away from them, and be thankful for the friends you have. You got friends already, you don't need no new people, you just need brains and great grades.PS: If you can't get into the job you want, then go sideways in a similar field, or try teaching or writing until something comes up. No judgements here, you are only human, only God and mountains never make mistakes.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I'm not entirely clear -- you're still completing your PhD? Or you recently completed it? If so, you will have a faculty advisor or thesis supervisor, no? Talk to that person. You're making a bunch of assumptions here -- that because you're from 'the wrong side of the tracks' that the network is stacked against you. You really need to find out from an *objective* source what, precisely is holding you back. Is it because you've been blackballed, as you believe? Or is it something else that you haven't recognized. Your strategy for overcoming the obstacles can only be effective when you correctly understand the nature of the obstacles.
As for judgements and recriminations -- completing a masters, let alone a doctorate, is beyond the capability of all sorts of people who have had wonderful lives filled with supportive people. You should be doubly proud given what you've had to overcome. I rather doubt any of your colleagues have no incidents in their pasts of which they are not proud.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Have you thought to move overseas and do the whole clean slate? Teen seem established and you have no other ties that would keep you where you are at.Have you also thought to get counselling to seriously address your issues. They don't go away, you just seemed to have gotten better at hiding them but how you write, still there, still unaddressed.Also have you thought to move elsewhere, away from the 'group'?Other than that; if you have no REAL justification/proof you are being ostracized, there isn't much you can do.Its unfortunate that your Ex can be the way he is and still florish but you come from an age group with hypocritical standards and mind set. *sighs*I say persevere until you find an employer that will give you a chance on your merits, that or move where the job demands are high for you.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I come from a difficult family as well, and the only advice I can give you on a forum like this is that you should really, definitely seek counseling. Find someone you trust and work these things out with them.
Offhand, I will say, I doubt people judge you as harshly as you imagine. Maybe I am wrong, but I think when you come from an abusive situation you tend to exaggerate your guilt and project it onto others. Meaning, you imagine people despise you and look down on you more than is true, because you feel so ashamed yourself. Your perception might be off here.
Also, if people are truly as judgmental as you imagine, then I can say that the only way to rebuild a reputation is with time and good deeds. Stable behavior, and progress are evident when they are there. People will see it if you keep pushing ahead. If you can't get a job to get paid working in your field, try to find volunteer opportunities to use your degree, and let people know what you are working on in subtle ways.
But most importantly, I hope you will make an appointment with a counselor. It could really help. Best of luck to you!
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