A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been seeing this guy for a while. He has extremely low self esteem and thinks that I'm better off without him. He opened up to me last weekend about a number of things, but now he's acting like I don't exist, which is sort of confusing. He knows that I care about him, and I try to do little things to show him that he means a lot to me, but I can't seem to reach him now. I get that he might not be ready for anything deeper, which is totally understandable, but he thinks so little of himself that sometimes, I worry about him. My opinion of him does not deter his opinion of himself, obviously. I know that I can't save him and that our romantic potential is zilch currently, but I'm not sure how to act around him lately. Should I continue to reach out to him, should I give him more space, or should I drop this thing altogether? We agreed initially to be friends, come what may, but I don't know what to do when he keeps pushing me away. He is important to me and I want to help him. Advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I think you should alternate between giving him space and reaching out to him. I assume that by 'reaching out' you mean only as friends and not to pressure him into a romantic relationship. for example last week he opened up to you, now he's pushing you away. wait awhile (i.e. give him space for now) then try reaching out again.sounds like he has depression and he needs to get help for himself. some times people with depression are too immobilized to help themselves so you should be there for him but always with the idea that he has to get help for himself ultimately. However, you need to set boundaries in your mind of when you will no longer keep reaching out to him - if it starts to make you feel hurt or if you find yourself focusing a lot of your energy into him and are feeling negatively about him not improving (don't make him your "project").I'm thankful to friends who were there for me and didn't stop reaching out to me when I was withdrawn into my shell...and now my husband has been diagnosed with depression which helps explain why it's maddening living with him.... so I've been on both sides of the coin.I guess what I'm trying to say is, people with depression need help. But, when you give help you should not lose yourself in it or expect anything from them in return because they're not capable of giving it. If you expect some thing in return you will get hurt and angry. But it's not healthy for you to be in a relationship where you are always giving and not getting anything in return. That's why I'm just saying to balance yourself between reaching out and taking a step back. and don't even think about a romantic reltationship with this guy yet! that will just make things more complicated!
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (6 March 2011):
 This guy has several symptoms of depression, an needs some professional help. His mental state sounds really unhealthy. My mom has depression, as have a number of the people I've tried to be with. The heart breaking thing about people with depression is that they are so hard to reach that sometimes, there's nothing you can do for them. Make sure he knows that you are right there for him, if he ever needs you for any reason, and then give him a little space. If you can, try to get him to go talk to someone. In the end you've got to realize that it's not your responsibility to heal him, it's his. You've also got to realize that you can't heal him, he has to want to heal. He can come to you to talk or ask for help, but in the end it's his job, not a job for him to put on you, or for you to try to take on yourself. Remember that when you work with him, because that's the easiest hole to fall into with depressed people. Other than that, best of luck. DO NOT get addicted to dating the depressed!! It's a hard, dark hole to crawl out of! Trust!
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