A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, im looking for some outside opinions please.I was with the father of my son around four years ago. We were together for 7 months, when i found out i was pregnant he made a very sharp exit and i never heard from him until i was 6 months gone. He contacted me via MSN and i spoke to him and told him how the pregnancy was going. he apologised over and over about leaving me after i told him i was pregnant and went on to say that he just couldnt handle it. He had also moved to the other end of the country with his job.I continued on my own, and once my son was born i let him know as he wished, and told him that he was welcome to come anytime and see him and that id like him to have involvement.during the first year of my son being born, he gave me lots of excuses as to why he could not come and see him, distance, money, work... then a week before my sons first birthday, he asked me if it was ok to come and see him. I agreed readily as i had waited so long for him to come and see him, and i also thought that it would be the start of some regular contact. He turned up (this is the first time he had seen him in real life) and all went well, we chatted normally, there was no atmosphere, he seemed to show a real interest, when he left he gave me a card for my son. Inside the card there was a cheque for quite a sum of money. We kept in contact via msn and i would put the cam on my son so he could see him, id also send him pictures, and emails keeping him updated about his progress etc... all which he asked for. He would keep telling me that he wanted to come and see him but he just found it so hard to do. eventually my sons seconds birthday was two weeks away , and his father arranged to come and see him.I sent him a message the night before to check as i had not heard from him for almost a week. i never got a reply. A month later he came on msn, and began chatting as normal, i asked him why he never turned up, and he told me he had a girlfriend, they had been together for almost 9 months, this was the first time he had mentioned her, and that she would be upset at the thought of him comming to mine as she is a very jealous person.I told him that she was welcome to join him, and she would see that there was no need to be upset.he said he wouldnt even suggest it to her because he knows how she will react.I have bent over backwards to make it easy for him, i have put no pressure on him, he still knows the door is open for contact, i still send pictures, i still chat occasionally and put the cam on for him to see.two nights ago he came on msn and out of the blue he said that he still thinks about me, wishes things had been different, although he has his girlfriend she will never be me, and that he cannot come because its too hurtful. i never expected to read that, and to be honest i dont believe it was the truth, but i just answered "oh... i moved on a long time ago, you should too"he then said "i hope he looks me up when he is older if he needs anything"i said its now he needs you, and he said " i just don't know" then he signed out of MSNi got a text message later saying "i just don't know"which i never answered.people advise me to tell him not to contact me again and stop sending him pictures etc...i wanted nothing more than for him to have contact, made it easy for him, never asked for any help, let him know he could see him as often as he liked, there were no conditions.should i just tell him to not contact me? it doesnt look like he will ever make efforts to come. or should i continue to send him occasional pictures etc, and keep it to that. i do not know what is for the best.any opinions are welcome. thankyou
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009): Well to be honest it would be nice if he was involved with his son.Like the old saying goes "You can lead a horse to water but... you can't make him drink!" If he is not going tobe a regular in his sons life maybe he shouldn't get to see him. I think it will only confuse your son he needs stabilaty in his life.
A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (6 July 2009):
 You are in a very emotional pickle. I really feel it for you. It sounds like this guy was not ready to be a father. However, he now has a child. You can not force a man to see his child if he does not want to. However, you can force him to maintain him. Use the relevant agencies in order to receive regular payments unless you are happy with the lumpsum.
In time this man will feel guilty at the way he has treated you and his son. His girlfriend can not mean much if he can not be honest with her. The truth wil come out eventually.
I know i is hard but get on with your live. Be a good mum and keep your head up and try not to get into this position again. Always check with a man if there ideas about pregnancy and babies are the same as yours. Better still wait until you get married before you have any more. A man is less likely to wander off when he is committed.
Look after yourself.
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