A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy for a couple months 5 years ago...I really liked him but he had alot of stuff going on at home so he broke it off, about a year ago we matched again on this dating site and we have been seeing eachother ever since. He recently told me he wanted to be more, which I do like him but he is in the military...I have a 9 year old boy and no matter what is staying in the area that I am now...I told his guy that Im fine with what we are doing now and being in a relationship with someone in the military is a bit scary especially when they get posted to another place( my last relationship resulted in this)..so my question is should I continue seeing this guy and continue being fwb/dating or should I start seeing other people? I've had this conversation with a couple friends..they think what is the point of continuing seeing this guy when I know that I cant be in a relationship with him, and that it's taking the opportunity to potentially meeting someone that I can actually be with.Note: he has never met my son, I keep that very separate, and only see this guy when my son is away at his father's house on the weekends.
View related questions:
military Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2022): The things you do inadvertently will affect your son. You are not single and alone, you have someone dependent on your emotional-fitness; and the ability to make sound decisions. Any man you are involved with, eventually will have to meet your son. Just getting your rocks off and scratching your itch may be convenient; but that also desensitizes you against seeking, and committing to, healthy and meaningful relationships.
You should listen to your better judgement. No, it wouldn't necessarily be wise to become serious with a person who is likely to be displaced due to military service. That's a commitment difficult for even service-wives, or service-husbands to make.
When you commit to marriages likely to withstand frequent and irregular separations due to the call of duty; it's a strain that can only survive, based on a very strong emotional connection, and a conviction to keep your family together no matter what. People succeed at it, but not without strain and sacrifice.
You will be tempted to uproot your life, and the displacement could be too much for your son. Feelings are unpredictable. You never know how they will change; and directly, or strongly, influence your impulses or decisions. Once love sets in, you can become impulsive or irrational. You could make bad-choices. You are not alone, you have a son who needs you.
You deserve better than just resting your connection to another person strictly on physical-pleasure; when you know it is very difficult to stay detached to a person you're continuously being intimate with. Especially, once that person has professed their feelings for you. To be honest, a person who is so shallow they can survive on detached-sex alone; is not the kind of person you really want to keep in your life for too long. He will travel, and likely meet someone who will fulfill all his needs; and not just please him sexually. You've invested more than your body, your subconscious-mind is "attached;" in spite of the fact, your conscious-mind denies it. If you had no emotional-attachment, you wouldn't have written your post. You'd already have your answer, and wouldn't have considered any other option.
You should be seeking men in your life you would be proud to introduce to your son; and always bear it in-mind how their separation will affect you emotionally. If someone hurts you too deeply, it could make you so despondent you can't work and support your son and yourself. You shouldn't be trifling and playing with your feelings anyway. You deserve love, someone devoted to you, and someone who can help you raise your son. Yes, you can date and not maintain long-term relationships; but that is more appropriate for single-female's with no other attachments. Not so much for single-mom's. They have responsibilities. They need someone who will stick around, develop emotional-attachment to them, and their kid(s); and they should set an example for their children to make sex meaningful, and to allow themselves to commit emotionally to people they fall in-love with.
If you can't give him up; it means you've fallen for him. If it was only FWB; it shouldn't be so hard to let-go and move on. If you know you don't have what it takes to endure a long-distance romance; don't put yourself, or your son, through it. Make all decisions based always on how it affects your son; and not just yourself. You are correct in protecting your son from men you date; until you are certain how you feel about them, how they feel about you, how they treat you; and if it is in the best interest and wellbeing of your child to know them. You deserve better than being just a friend with benefits. You deserve something special and lasting.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (20 September 2022):
 I think that your friends are totally right and i think that you should take their advice on board.
I think that you should cut contact with him, wish him well and then block him and move on with your life and meet someone that you can actually have a relationship with, someone that actually has time for you and wants to see you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2022):
 Personally, I think FWB is the dumbest concept EVER for an adult. If someone is a friend and then you add sex to the mix, that friendship is done for. Most people can not go back to "just" being friends.
1. Someone WILL catch feelings.
2. Someone will get hurt.
3. Casual sex is meaningless. And benefits MEN more than women.
Back to your question.
What is the likelihood of him being stationed elsewhere? Very High? High? Low or not at all?
My guess is high or Very high.
So where does that leave you?
It leaves you with the potential of either HAVING to move as an LDR is not realistic OR breaking it off. Then what? You will have to start over again with someone else. If he is ALSO military you get on the same rollercoaster as before. Nothing has changed.
This guy fucked off 5 years ago due to "stuff going on at home" and now that he is back in the area and matched with you again, he wants something with you again.
Ok, I get rekindling something. But you BARELY knew him back then and still took a chance on him. However, you ALSO knew he was (now) military and thus is VERY likely to be stationed elsewhere at some point in time.
What you are doing is dating this guy until HE moves elsewhere. Basically. This means you will miss out on meeting a guy who LIVES in the area and wants to STAY in the area, who could be a BETTER fit for you overall.
I agree with your friends. Unless the guy you are dating has a MOS (job description) or rank that gives HIM the choice to PICK where he wants to be and he CHOOSES to stay right there, having a relationship with him is kinda pointless. It's wasting HIS and your time.
I agree with your friends. 100%
"they think what is the point of continuing seeing this guy when I know that I cant be in a relationship with him, and that it's taking the opportunity to potentially meeting someone that I can actually be with."
You have one foot out of this "relationship" already because you know what is likely to happen, HIM having to relocate for his job. So you do this timewaster of a "thing" and have an FWB with him.
Wish him well.
Find someone who is a better OVERALL match for you and for your son. (eventually)
...............................
|
