A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, The reason I am asking this question here is because I honestly don't have anyone to talk to and I'm very upset and don't know what exactly I should do next. Please don't be harsh, I would really appreciate some kind advice. I have posted other questions related to this before. In July, I became friends with this really nice guy and we started texting a lot. Like a LOT. He's not even much of a texter but he texted me all day until late night and we became very close. He helped me out with my problems regarding my ex and he was very caring. Then around the end of July, we ended up sleeping together. It was a strange situation, to be honest. My ex had threatened to hurt me and I called the cops on him. The cops asked me to stay at a friend's place for the night in caes my ex came around and this guy came to get me in the middle of the night. We went to his place, he took care of me and tried his best to cheer me up. He gave me his room to sleep in and somehow things got heated and we had sex. It was amazing, unexpected but we both enjoyed it. However, after it, he seemed strangely distant. Later, we talked about it and I told him that I'm not gonna go over to his place again because I don't think it's a good idea. He agreed. Around 3 days later, he asked me out for ice cream and a movie at his place because I really enjoy spending time with him, I said yes. However, it was a mistake. When we got to his place, he started kissing me and I told him that I'm not gonna keep doing this with him, but he ignored what I said and kept kissing me all over. I honestly couldn't help myself since I was already developing feelings for this guy, but I didn't know it yet. Afterwards, he told me that he thinks we're not relationship compatible but that we could be compatible in other ways and we should have fun. I was very upset that night and the next morning he dropped me home. Then, STUPID ME, I decided that it's no big deal and that I'd accept his offer to be his FWB. So we continued to be FWBs until September. I know, all this happened really quickly. We had good fun and kept texting each other. It was strange because he really was acting like my boyfriend most of the time, getting jealous when I went out on dates and so on. He jokingly proposed to me through text many times and kept calling me his wife. We laughed a lot. I felt we had a strong emotional connection, but I'm not sure if he felt it too or if he just liked me for sex. Then, I was away for a while and as soon as I came back, he wanted to come get me and I wanted it as well. And just before he came, he told me that he went on a date recently and that he didn't sleep with her. Not YET. I was curious about the date and when he picked me up, I asked him about it. I wasn't upset and didn't make any scenes.Once we got to his place, we had sex and afterwards I was chilling on the bed and he came and lay down near me on the carpet. We started talking about stuff and somehow ended up talking about the date and he started saying stuff like it was someone I know. He was avoiding telling me things and I got upset because whenever I had a date, he would keep asking me soooo many questions and drive me nuts but when I asked him he didn't want to tell me. And he was really laughing at me and enjoying himself. He said stuff like 'I could just be lying about all of this' meaning the date, 'Everything will be fine, my dear.' and 'I will tell you who she is when we decide we're ready to tell people.' This annoyed me and frustrated me. I realized that yes, I've been having feelings for this guy. The next day, I followed my friend's advice and told him directly how I feel. I told him I have feelings for him. He thanked me for telling him and said he has nothign to say to it right now. Then later on, I found out he was treating me differently, like avoiding me and not making eye contact but he was curious and looking at me whenever he could too. Later, I asked him what's going on and how this has changed things and he said it has and that he's not going to sleep with me again and that he's going to be more aware of what he says to me and how much he says. He was being strangely cold and that hurt my feelings because I didn't understand why our friendship needed to go down the drain because of this. HE said he didn't and doesn't want a relationship and I was fine with that. To be honest, I don't want to be in a relationship with him either, when I think about it. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. He told our friend that I have feelings for him and that made me really upset because she's not someone who needed to know. When I asked him why he told her he said that he needed to tell someone. Which is weird, because he's not even that close with her. And he was like i told her, don't go running to her now. He continued being weird and cold until my ex suddenly killed himself. I was devastated adn this guy kept messaging me for two days straight encouraging me and trying to make me feel better. After that, I stopped texting him all the time and he texted me first a couple of times. This was last week. Now, he's being sooooo distant. He sends me a couple of texts maybe once a day. He seems friendly like before and even flirts a bit. I have no idea why he's even continuing to text me especially because we don't hang out like friends even. To be honest, after he was cold and I got hurt and after the issues with my ex, I feel like I have lost my feelings for him. I feel disappointed and hurt. But, I miss him and the conversations we used to have so much. Do you think I should move on and ignore him completely? Or should I continue to be friends? I feel like he may be stringing me along, just keeping me on the side while he messes around with other girls. I'm confused and feel like I don't know who he is anymore... I like to believe that he was so caring towards me before we slept together because he really cared but sometimes I feel like he did that just to sleep with me. My friends seriously think that we will end up together in the next few months but I don't think so. If he does ever want to be with me, I think I would him to ask me out like a normal person instead of doing the FWB thing. But, I don't know what to do right now and how to move on. I really did have feelings for him, very strong feelings. I run into him like 3 days a week, in class. I don't know if I should move on and how to.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2022): Mistake: "If you want my option, it is this."
I meant to say:
"If you want my opinion, it is this."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2022): I give long answers; so I waited to see what other uncles, aunts, or anonymous readers had to say first.
"Do you think I should move on and ignore him completely? Or should I continue to be friends? I feel like he may be stringing me along, just keeping me on the side while he messes around with other girls."
The truth is already out, you told him how you feel about him. You felt that way before all this "friends with benefits" stuff came about; and you should have foreseen all this drama coming way-back.
Now comes the tough-love and blunt-honesty.
This was a game of mutual-manipulation. You liked him, you knew he liked sex; so, you made it available. Flirtation was the test, and he went for the bait. Conveniently, it seems, you always think of him in your most vulnerable and least resistant moments; because you liked the way he'd run to your rescue, when you were in a bind or distress. Like a boyfriend. He played/preyed on your love-confession; because he knew that kept sex available. There was a friendship, until you both introduced sex into it. What made things worse, was when you allowed sex to occur again and again; knowing he was dating someone else. Hence, the rules of FWBism are broken. Your jealousy and possessiveness kicked-in; and suddenly you went from FWB into girlfriend-mode; asking questions about the other woman.
The unbreakable rules in being FWBs require that you form no romantic-attachment; and you date whomever, and whenever, you want to.
You didn't have to discuss your dates with him, but you wanted to; because you liked to make him jealous. That's a form of emotional-manipulation. Jealousy isn't always proof someone truly cares, or loves you. Jealousy is spurned by a sense of possessiveness or ownership of another person. Love is not in the picture here, nor is there really true friendship. In fact, you are uncertain what he feels; because he never answered to your declaration of having feelings for him. He dodged you like you had monkey pox!
Any criticism of your behavior may be taken in the wrong-way; but if you need straightforward advice, you need to listen to the cold hard facts. He seems better at the game of manipulation than you are; because you are the one here, upset and confused. He has a backup lady of mystery; and you don't have a dude as your backup. He's seeing someone else, possibly seeing you behind her back. Maybe he is already in a committed-relationship; and she is aware you exist, but may have been told "you're just this friend." If you happen to be mutual-friends with this mystery-lady, whom he won't disclose who she is; it's because she doesn't know who you are, and things will quickly go south if she knew you two were sex-buddies. His explanation to her probably portrays himself as some kind of hero; and you're this pitiful victim of an evil-ex; and you're always needy. You may stay overnight at his house; but that could only mean she lives too far away to just show-up. In any case, he has admitted he sees another woman.
If you want my option, it is this. You need out of this situation, and I mean fast! You're sinking deeper and deeper, and that makes manipulation easier and easier. It becomes harder to get-out! Women often unwisely use sex as bait (either outright and deliberately, or subconsciously) to keep men around. Many pretend they'd settle for just being FWB; while everyone knows somebody catches feelings. A disproportionate percentage of the time, it's the person with a vagina who gets feelings.
Oh, without a doubt, men frequently get attached to their sex-buddies; but men think differently from women, and can easily detach mentally when it comes to the act of sex. Menfolk can separate emotional-attachment from sexual-intimacy. Obviously, women can too; or how would we explain lady sex-workers. There are man-hos and female-hos! I'm speaking generally the way we think; without getting deeply into the psychological differences between genders. Let's just say, some myths or stereotypes are closer to the truth than they should be.
Sex always changes the dynamics of what we perceive as "friendship." Sex most often signifies romance is somewhere in the mix; or things will eventually lead to other feelings or attractions that are associated with emotional-attachment. More often than not, people get hurt or confused; playing Russian roulette with their heart, by entering into friendships where sex is an option, or incentive.
Now you know as a fact, you can't separate your emotions from the act of having sex. Meaningless-sex might happen if you don't repeatedly make sex a regular feature within your friendship; but if it is a major benefit that is offered too frequently, you're setting yourself up. Especially, when those feelings were already there before you agree to being friends with benefits; as was the case in your situation.
Don't allow your body and vulnerabilities to be compromised, or bartered, in a friendship with the opposite-sex. If you don't want a good friendship to change, and it happens to be a platonic-friendship, keep sex and flirtation out of it. Flirting is a dead giveaway there is sexual-tension; and it's sending signals to each-other that friends don't send when you didn't intend the connection to be a romance. It's a big mistake many people make, when they disguise their infatuation or crush as "just being friends." They try to cleverly slide it in under the radar; when the other party isn't sending readable cues or clues. Flirting is meant to arouse sexual awareness, and it's feeling each-other out as to whether it could happen? Nobody is fooled by it; but too much of it, and you may as well just come right-out and ask for sex. You shouldn't toy with your feelings; and you shouldn't tease men when it comes to sex. You are not teenagers; so you should always behave like two adults. Mean what you say, say what you mean, and own it when you make a big mistake. If you can't back-out before it's too late, somebody is in over their heads. This time, it is YOU!
You went too far, now you're attached. Now let him go! You keep contradicting yourself! In one paragraph, you don't care; and the next one you do. You wouldn't be here if you weren't stuck! You already know you have to end it, and move on. Or, you can stick around for the drama. If you need confirmation you're making the right decision to move on; I think his behavior has already made that abundantly clear. He wants sex, but he doesn't want a relationship with it. Your other friends are lying to you when they claim that you'll be together. They don't know what they're talking about!!! His behavior, and none of the signs point in that direction; and he's seeing somebody else anyway. Your best bet, is to cut all ties while it's possible; or you'll just be the booty-call when he's not seeing the other female...who is mysteriously someone you know, but he won't tell you who she is. That in and of itself stinks to high-heaven!!! The dude comes across like a player. Always there to bail you out, always around when you're in distress, and every meeting ends with sex.
Girlfriend, seriously?!! So you actually think this means he has meaningful romantic-feelings he's hiding from you? All indications say otherwise. I reiterate, that your friends have no idea what they are talking about!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2022):
 Sorry, OP
This is what I can glean from your post. It is ONLY me guessing, OK?
The guy took advantage of you when you were in danger and need a safe place to be. He didn't care that you were in a vulnerable place, he cared about getting his dick wet. When you then pulled back he thought, great at least she won't have expectations of me, MAYBE I can turn this into an FWB because THAT suits me.
He doesn't WANT to date you, he never did. He just wanted sex with someone who he thought would be "grateful".
BUt he didn't want YOU to date too many other men because then you might cut off the NSA sex. He felt territorial about YOUR vagina. That was his to "use".
Then he dropped the "I'm seeing someone too" on you but was secretive about it, because he just wanted YOU to feel envious and see his NEW flame as competition.
You had feelings for him out of gratitude. Because you THOUGHT he cared and because he didn't treat you like your ex had. Yet you didn't see all the red flags because you are in a VULNERABLE place right now.
My opinion? Wish him well and CUT all contact. It's time for you to heal and HE can't help you with that. That has to come from you. TAKE some time to be single, not dating around nor sleeping around as it seems like (as most women find out) you get emotionally attached after sex. (nothing wrong with that but it will hinder your healing if you catch feelings and the dude just take advantage of you. And this guy DID just that.)
Your friends are filling you with shit in hopes to make YOU feel better. It's coming from a good place but utterly stupid advice. they mean well but are also kinda clueless here.
You are in your 30's. It's time to find some STANDARDS and have some self-love and self-respect.
Just because a guy is kind doesn't mean you should PAY him for that kindness with your body or your heart.
Since you have to see him 3 times a week, just nod at him but do not engage. Talk to other people or take out a book.
HE is NOT your friend.
Block him and let it go. Want more for yourself. An FWB is RARELY a good option for a woman. And in most cases, it's the woman who ends up feeling used and getting hurt. Don't do that to yourself.
Best of luck.
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