A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i married my wife because we had a kid and i didn't want to be irresponsible, but i don't think i can do it anymore. It's almost 10 yrs now and words cannot described how i feel! I have try to be the husband that my conscious mind wants to be, by giving her the love and affection that she deserves but by doing so I'm lying to myself...and i can only do it for so long.Before you judge me, let it be clear that i am a good dad, i have and will ALWAYS be there for my daughter, so whatever feeling I'm hiding inside has no effect whatsoever on the way I've raised my kid!On the other hand, how long should i go on to neglect my own feeling? i know sometimes things are worth sacrificing for such as my wife and kid, but the older i get the more sorrow i have feel...i have become withdraw and depress...alcohol is now my best friend....what should i do?
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Bro, that is deep. 10 yrs! I am assuming that you loved her very much in the beginning. I know we all have to make some sacrifices sometimes, but have you ever tried taking to your wife about your wants? What is it that you feel that you are missing? The grass always looks greener on the other side. Men tend to cheat when we feel neglected, but that doesn't excuse us if we do. Talk to you wife about your feelings. Let her know that you have been feeling neglected for sometime, and you need her back. I am in the process of the doing the same because I don't think my fiance realize that she is.
Brian
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 March 2010):
 In answer to jannipeg: I am not married. I am divorced, but a single parent for my children. What I was referring to is pre-set or pre-determination of the reasons behind the marriage. Such as, if I said "I am only getting married, because..." what's after the because limits perception of what I enter into. It's the same as someone tells themselves "I'm not pretty" "I'm worthless", when repeated enough times they believe that to be true, even if others see them in the opposite. In essence "i married my wife because we had a kid" sets a personal boundary, block or belief in the marriage, limiting the possibility of its expansion. Saying as if, "this is my reason, and no reason other than." And by holding that to be true, limits the marriage where there may have been a possibility of having the marriage progress into a much greater experience, if that block was not put into place.
If I were to be in that situation, and said, with our having this child, I am going to marry her and love her unconditionally because she's a good person, she's a good mother, etc. and I'll feel blessed to have the opportunity to raise my child with his/her mother and appreciate that she's here and sharing this opportunity with me.
By keeping foundations of love, and appreciation as the foundation of marriage, the personal experience would imitate it's foundation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for the comments/advices...they are really helping me in this time of difficulty.
I finally realized that this wonderful woman (my wife) deserves more than i could give...no matter how good I've concealed my feeling it shows!
I will hold on and remember this phrase from a gentleman above 'The true gentleman does what honesty and honor demand, knowing that the rest of the world will judge him wrong and selfish for it. Try to gently explain, but be prepared for nobody to understand, believe, or accept the explanation'...Thank you!!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 March 2010):
 Rcn, can you explain what expanding your boundaries mean? Or anybody else here who knows?
My guess is that you married young and deprived yourself the chance to meet more girls, to parties, etc?
I am just wondering what makes your wife so unlovable?
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 March 2010):
I agree with the other poster. I commend you for being one who has stepped up and has gone through this, instead of taking of as we know so many do. Although I agree totally with the other poster, I was to at least take you into a different direction of thought.
Our minds are extremely powerful tools that can work for or against us. Look at self esteems, which were once good, then not so good later on. If someone tells themselves often enough, whatever their thinking of becomes their truth. When you said you married because you had a kid, keeping that though would establish the boundaries of your marriage, limiting the possibility of expansion of your boundaries.
So, at some level where you said you're neglecting your feelings, could it be true as well that by holding to the view you entered into the marriage with, you may have denied yourself from expanding your boundaries which may have provided you with the better experience these past ten years.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (14 March 2010):
Its admirable that you have been so responsible but from what you have said, you actually owe it to yourself AND your wife and daughter to end it if you feel you should. Your wife will be able to move on and meet someone who she can start a new life with while she is relatively young and so will you. As the previous poster said, there is no need to tell her you never loved her. You are leaving her and that's bad enough. The method by which you do it needs considerable thought. You have to do things gently and slowly; you've waited 10 years so no need for a sudden 'one day' divorce that your family may struggle to adjust to. My advice is that you suggest that you would like a one month separation to think about things. This time will also give you time to think about if this is what you really want and will also be less of a shock to your family. You then move out but continue to see or phone your daughter daily and make sure their physical needs are met. After a month and you see that you still want a divorce, then you have a talk with your wife and you break the news to her. Or you take another month as you assess your situation if they need more time. Its possible that you just need a break to help you think about what really matters. You can only really know when you take the one/two month sabbatical from your family.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (14 March 2010):
Its admirable that you have been so responsible but from what you have said, you actually owe it to yourself AND your wife and daughter to end it if you feel you should. Your wife will be able to move on and meet someone who she can start a new life with while she is relatively young and so will you. As the previous poster said, there is no need to tell her you never loved her. You are leaving her and that's bad enough. The method by which you do it needs considerable thought. You have to do things gently and slowly; you've waited 10 years so no need for a sudden 'one day' divorce that your family may struggle to adjust to. My advice is that you suggest that you would like a one month separation to think about things. This time will also give you time to think about if this is what you really want and will also be less of a shock to your family. You then move out but continue to see or phone your daughter daily and make sure their physical needs are met. After a month and you see that you still want a divorce, then you have a talk with your wife and you break the news to her. Or you take another month as you assess your situation if they need more time. Its possible that you just need a break to help you think about what really matters. You can only really know when you take the one/two month sabbatical from your family.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): You are being unfair to your wife, your daughter, and to yourself. Children are unbelievably intuitive, and if you think she hasn't picked up on it, and won't you're dilluding yourself. Your daughter deserves a role model who is honest and strong enough to admit the painful truths of life, and do what those truths demand, even when that is unpleasant. She deserves to learn, understand, and grow in the truth of the world, which is sometimes unfair, painful, and inconvenient. Finally, she deserves to know that the conflict and hiding she does or will sense in you is not her fault, and that despite what may happen between you and her mom, that your love for her is untouchable and whole.
Your wife deserves to find someone who will love and cherish her. By remaining married without those feelings, you are denying her what she could have. She may, in the short sighted narrow minded way that we all tend to get when emotions get hot, think that she'd be perfectly happy with you, even if you don't feel that way for her, but truth to be told, she could be a lot happier if there were a real loving life partner. She deserves better than for you to live this lie.
And you, you are cheating yourself out of the life and love that you could have.
Certainly, it is perfectly repsectable to try and do the honorable thing, and marry the woman who carried your child. However, I think before you so willingly fall on your sword for the sake of honor, you should really examine what true honor, honesty, and forthrightess demand. The deeper understanding is that you are likely doing more harm than good not only to yourself, but also to the others involved in the situation, and the stronger man will admit that, and do the thing that everyone else will fail to understand, and think him selfish and trite for.
The true gentleman does what honesty and honor demand, knowing that the rest of the world will judge him wrong and selfish for it. Try to gently explain, but be prepared for nobody to understand, believe, or accept the explanation.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 March 2010):
Well I admire the fact you tried to do the right thing. But sometimes the right thing is the one that hurts more. And this is one of those occasions.
Truthfully, you can't just ignore your own feelings. If you don't love this woman, that's not something you can ignore, or just change. And it has to be said that at some point, your daughter will click that something is wrong and false about it all. In the end, you need to make a decision for yourself. If you don't love this woman, you would be better ending it so both you and her can find someone else. You say you'll be there for your daughter, so do just that.
Don't tell your wife the truth that you've never loved her, because that will eat at her and your daughter even more. Just say that things have changed, and you need to move on.
...............................
|
