A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yeah, I know, I should probably just give up on the guy entirely considering I "apparently" can't trust him, but oh well. My bf showed me an e-mail where this girl was hitting on him. He did this indrectly, of course, as he was showing me something else in the e-mail and I just so happened to see the rest of it.He brushed it off as just someone being stupid, and I had my suspicions but I just told myself that I didn't care. He said he explained to her that he had a gf but she didn't get the point. Of course, he couldn't prove this to me. Then, yesterday I saw him chatting with her on Yahoo Messenger. He keeps telling me that he explained to her that he has a gf (and that she needs to stop talking stupid), but then again, he cannot prove it. At this point, I know you're probably thinking I should just give up on the guy, but before I do that, I want to find out for myself exactly what he is/was up to. So I'm thinking about telling my bf (I'm not going to do it behind his back) that I'm going to contact her myself and see what she says. If he gets pissy with me and tells me not to, of course, the relationship is over. If I do go through what that idea, I need some ideas on what I should say to her. At the same time, I'll probably try to convince my bf to contact her and tell her that I will be sending her an e-mail and that she should do as I ask (and of course, I'll be sure to watch him send that e-mail).Do I mention the specific things I remember her saying in the initial e-mail? e.g. "When he showed me one of your e-mails a few days ago, I was a bit surprised when I saw you saying to him "xxxxyyyyzzzzzaaabbbccc. Considering that I'm his girlfriend, I found it pretty inappropriate. "Or..."If you don't mind me asking, did he ever tell you he had a girlfriend? If so, can you please forward that e-mail to me?"One advantage that I have is that, from what I could tell, she speaks horrible english. If she tries to change my bf's e-mail before she [potentially] e-mails it to me, I'm fairly certain I'll be able to tell. Or, if after my bf initially contacts her, saying that I'll be e-mailing her, and contacts her again giving her a message she should send me, I'll be easily able to tell whether or not she said those words or he told her to. Or, here's a totally different idea: should I have him e-mail her and say something like, "since you're my friend and all, my girlfriend would like to talk to you and learn more about you and meet you. Would you mind talking to her on Skype sometime?" Then, I'll have free range to ask her and/or say whatever I want.Any ideas on what I should say/do here? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionluter1: She lives in Lithuania. Coffee isn't an option. :-/
anonymous: Yep, you're right, no stalking or hacking or any of that junk, lol. If the two are ever "physically" together, I'd totally know; she lives in on a different continent. But my problem is that my boyfriend and I's relationship began online, and online relationships can be totally real. Frankly, even if they never f*k I still view emotional affairs in the same way as anything else. :-/
Also, he and I don't read eachother's e-mails, so he'd be totally oblivious to it if I faked a relationship with myself...
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 I like , luter1's suggestion. Ask your boyfriend if the three of you can meet up for a coffee, she may need to see him interacting with you, or uh oh, you may see him interacting back with her, either way you would have something to go on other than words.
MOst communication is non verbal, its body language, tone of voice etc etc, a face to face, non confrontational meeting would give you more opportunity to suss out the situation.
Good luck with it all
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): you and me, we have the same problem with over analyzing things! I had a similar situation, with text messages, where my boyfriend thought they were friends, but really she was slowly trying to come between us. Is that the same here, or is he equal in the firty emails? Its easy to prove that a girl is a home wrecker, but if thats what he's looking for than i dont know. It sounds like maybe he's liking this chatting stuff.
Don't go making yourself look like a crazy person! (stalking is forbidden!) j/k. If you email her, she will tell him, then he will call you controlling right? If you tell him to but off contact, then he will call you controlling, right? No win huh? Maybe, pretend to get an email from a guy all flirty like, and keep em coming. Then when he gets jealous you can reveal that they are fake and that you just wanted him to know how you feel. Silly I know. I dont know. But you do need to relax. Unless he's physically with her, you have some time to think before you act.
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A
male
reader, luter1  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 hi i totaly understand you i have the same situation , only i'm far away and can't do nothing.But in your situation why not ask your bf just to have a meeting with that girl, like have a coffee in town together...and you'll see the situation.don't call her, or hack e-mail, or do something like that have a pride:) and i'm sur if it's so bad you could find yourself another one.good luck
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