A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have an urge to talk to an ex from 12 years ago. We haven't spoke for 5 years and the last time we spoke I ignored her last msg because she was acting crazy.She was important to me and I want to reconcile but I don't want to msg her for fear of her being toxic again. I think I was the one who initiated contact last time.I was no angel in the past either but I think I handled it ok while we dated but it did end poorly, I was also to blame.I feel like I have grown as a person in the last 5 yearsIs 5 years enough time for someone to change and grow as a person?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): Ya people change over time in one way or another. Even though you’ve grown over the past five years, how likely is it that this person that you knew from 12 years ago has also changed? What is it about her that would have to change for it to work?And whatever that is, is it enough to change a potential future relationship going forward (if she’s even single)? Obviously the only way to find out is to talk to her.I have heard of people reconciling years later, albeit rarely. In fact, I personally know one couple who broke up when they were younger. The guy wasn’t ready to settle down but a couple years later realized he wanted to reconcile with his ex-girlfriend. They are still married to this day, more than a decade later with four kids. So ya, if both parties mature and there’s enough love between the two of you, it can work out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): To answer your question, yes. Sometimes love makes us do crazy stupid things especially when we are younger. For instance, I’m also a lot more grown up compared to when I was in my twenties and this is coming from someone in your age range. But the only way to find out if the person your talking about has changed is to find out for yourself. No one on here can tell you whether or not she’s changed and if it’s the right move to contact her after so many years. Only you know the full story of what went on between you two. If you contact her, there’s several possible outcomes. She may be the same or a worse person and tell you to shove it. She could have moved on and be in a relationship and find you pathetic. Or she could find it flattering that you thought about her after all of these years. Or she could be dating still but hasn’t found the right person even after 5 years. It happens. Maybe she wouldn’t even take your call but maybe she would. The only way to find out is to take a chance. She must have made quite an impression on your heart if you are still thinking about her all of these years later. Take a chance. What’s the worst that can happen? At least if you try, you won’t spend your life wondering what if.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 May 2021):
 Please don't scratch that itch. Ever.
People rarely change drastically. Maybe if they were a 100 they might come down to a 90, but you don't ever see anyone go from 100 to 20.
Why do you even want to get back with your ex? What good could possibly come from it? Your mind is thinking of the good times and you're blocking out the bad and I think you're doing that because you're bored and lonely.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 May 2021):
 Why would you want to reconcile with someone who was "acting crazy" last time you had contact with them? You believe you have "grown as a person" in the last five years, yet you haven't managed to move on from this relationship. Why is that? Ask yourself, how much have you really grown?
Let me ask you, would you read a book again and expect a different ending? Would you watch a movie again and expect a different ending? Why would you reignite a relationship and expect a different outcome?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2021): She's probs moved on and married/had kids etc and you contacting her will make you look pathetic.5 years is a good amount of time to change and she will no doubt be a different person but that also means she will have left you long in the past. You are a different person yourself and she won't know who you are anymore. The chances of her still thinking about you are next to zilch. If that's what you've done for the last 5 years then I would say that is sadly a waste of 5 good years of your life when you could have been focusing on finding the 'one'. It clearly wasn't her or you would have made it work years ago.You sound like you're reflecting on the relationship too much which is making you want her. You wish you could turn the clock back and undo your actions. You need to get out of that mind set as it's getting you nowhere.When you start to reflect, find 3 things in the room to focus on to bring your mind back to the present. Then think about 3 good things that have happened in the last 5 years. When you think of those things, remember that if you were still in that toxic relationship, those things wouldn't have happened.Eventually you will meet somebody new and wonder what this whole episode was about.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 May 2021):
 I wouldn't bother if I were you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2021): Seriously?!! Why bother?
In the span of five years can someone change? Yes!
That doesn't mean they will want to pickup where you left-off after a five-year gap in time! She could have changed for the better, or worse; but how she interacts with you is a whole other story.
All I see is the potential for drama. You left on a sour-note! Now out of the blue, and after five long years; you want to introduce the new and improved version of yourself. What happens if she's not impressed?
My advice, sir? Leave it alone. People come to DC all the time with this type of question. She may have a new life. Maybe she has met a wonderful boyfriend...or has a new husband and/or kids; and suddenly you'll pop-up unexpectedly, only to drudge-up an unhappy time in her life. Nothing is worse, than when your life is going well; and some god-forsaken ex shows-up out of nowhere! It's not worth the trouble for either of you. Even worse, she's going through hell; and the last person on earth you want to hear from appears!!!
If you want to drop her an apologetic line or two on Facebook; that should suffice. My guess is, if she didn't come looking for you in all that time; she's happy that you're out of her life.
If you're willing to gamble with the odds whether she'll be happy to hear from you? Be my guest!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 May 2021):
 Five years is a very long time, and a lot could of happened in this time. As Honeypie pointed out, she could of moved on with someone else by now, infact its a strong possibility that she actually has.
Maybe after 6 months, but people don't generally leave it half a decade before trying to get back in touch with an ex.
It never worked the first time, so what makes you think it will be different a second time around?.
I think over the years she has got her life back together, got over you, and moved on.
I think that you should do the same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 May 2021):
 Why do you have the scarcity mindset that SHE is the ONLY woman out there you can possibly date?
You know from experience that it didn't work out with her. That you both made mistakes to a point where it broke down the trust, love, and respect.
While you might think you COULD try again with her, you still have a lot of negative baggage from that relationship, and you can NEVER erase the past. It will ALWAYS get in the way.
Plus, she might have moved on with someone else. I mean 5 years is a LONG time, and if you are both in your 30's and SHE wanted/wants kids she might have worked towards finding the FATHER of those kids already.
It's GREAT that you feel you have grown in the last 5 years, it'll be kind of sad if you hadn't. However, your growth means nothing to her if she has moved on, and if she hasn't... what if SHE hasn't grown at all?
She isn't the only woman out there. And she isn't the only woman FOR you out there either.
Have a little think and figure out why you think it would be a good idea to dig up the past with her and contact her. Perhaps a LONG think first.
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