A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Good eveningI have recently met a man and we have been on two days out together - both of them he invited me to. We got on really well and he said that he liked me very much. We live about 80 miles away from each other, so can't see each other very often.We communicate via facebook messaging. Last week on the Tuesday he sent me a long message asking me to three things. (1) this coming Sunday (to an event at which he would be working as a volunteer but I would be welcome to join him as he would have some free time), (2) next weekend and (3) in five weeks time on either the Saturday or the Sunday. I replied that same evening to say that I wasn't sure about (1) this Sunday as he'd be working and I didn't want to get in the way of his work, but I would really like to see him, so I would let him decide. I told him that I can't do (2) next weekend as I would be on holiday, but we could go the place he suggested another time. And that I would let him know which day I could do for (3) in 5 weeks time.On the Friday I sent a follow-up message to say that I could do either day for (3) on the weekend in 5 weeks. He then replied to me this Monday to confirm which day for (3). But he didn't mention the event (1)this Sunday or my suggestion that we go to the (2)place another time as I will be away on the date he suggested. From his message on Monday it appears that he didn't see my earlier message sent to him last Tuesday. He seems to have simply replied to my follow-up message. So I said, "It appears that you've only read the message I sent you on Friday. I also sent a longer message on Tuesday in which I talked about (1) and (3)..."It is now Thursday evening and I haven't heard from him. So I have no idea whether he still wants me to join him at (1) this Sunday. Do you think he understood that he had missed an earlier message from me on the previous Tuesday? Did I make it clear enough that he needed to scroll back through his messages to find my earlier longer one?And, should I contact him to find out if he still wants to see me this Sunday for (1)? Or would that be chasing him?I don't really want to chase him up about this Sunday as I don't want to chase him at all, and it is his turn to message me. But I would really like to know if he still wants me to join him. I'm worried that I reply to his messages very quickly which makes me look too keen. He tends to leave it a few days before replying to my messages.Any advice would be really really appreciated.Thank you all in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): Generally, the common view is that it's usually best to let the man 'set the pace'. Increasingly these days, younger women are objecting to this but, at 47, I can see that it leads to lots of problems for us slightly older generation if women try to take the lead.So, I'd say first off to slow down the response rate that you reply at and leave as much space/time as he leaves between replying to you.But, other than that, I can see from his point of view that he might think you really don't like him all that much and/or may even be playing mind games or over-complicating everything.He obviously likes you and has asked you out several times now, including well into the future.But, your responses - though I understand why you wrote what you did - just may read to him as far too complicated. I myself had to read your post several times before I understood what you said to him and I would find this very confusing to be on the receiving end of.Saying "I leave it to you" re. the Sunday thing, is very confusing for him when you've already said, in a way, that you don't know how to answer - he's working and wants to see you in whatever spare time he has, but you've complicated it by saying you don't want to get in the way whilst he;s working and he must choose. Now he doesn't know what to do for the best.On top of that, you also say you can't do another date because you will be on holiday. In his mind, this reads as a bit of a brush off, even though it's the truth - because your answer to the Sunday event was too confusing.On top of that YOU haven't invited him to anything at all.AND on top of that, you've sent another message, effectively trying to force him to respond to something that he's confused about ie. whether to invite you AGAIN to the Sunday thing.As a woman I can understand that a lot of what you wrote comes across through lack of confidence and wanting to be careful with him not to seem desperate. BUT I think you are possibly giving him the impression that you are, on the one hand, unavailable and not that interested and, on the other hand, quite controlling and want everything your own way.At this later age in life, men - and women - just want straightforward things with as little stress as possible. I'd calm the whole situation down by NOT sending another message to him about future events. If he contacts you, make more effort to show that you like him and that you want him in your life, even a little at first.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): Hi. I would say it is really early on to be so anxious about what he is thinking.If he takes a few days to get back to you, try and pace yourself so at least you aren't replying straight away, but don't lose yourself and how you would normally reply- if you're a quick replier to friends etc and not just him, its ok. Better not to get into games, you will end up doing things purposefully and expecting a certain reaction, then when he doesn't give it, you'll have a negative emotional reaction to that and so it goes on....your messages may have confused him a bit- men aren't good with complicated! Maybe a straightforward message to clear it up would help him! Something like 'hi, just realised my messages might be a bit confusing! To clarify:I can come this Sunday if you still want me to, can you let me know today please as I need to know for my plans this weekend....and Id really like to see you Sunday for the record'. He seems to have tried to make the effort to arrange to see u well in advance, so I think u can chuck in the Last bit! Good luck! Xx
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