A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. We've had overall a really good relationship, but now I've been having some doubts about whether we're right for each other. I'm posting this question to seek an outside perspective - are these normal thoughts in a relationship, am I worrying over nothing?We have no huge issues in our relationship, we are good friends and enjoy spending time together, and we trust each other. But some things are starting to get on my nerves. He says he is against religious dogma, but is very dogmatic in his own new-agey beliefs (which he's vocal about). If someone disagrees or asks him to back up his pseudoscience, he takes the position that they are just unwilling to accept new ideas. It's important to me to have objective evidence for things and not to accept an idea without verifying it first, but he dismisses objectivity and science because "everything is subjective" etc. I don't care if people believe differently from me, but I'm a little worried about how this dynamic will play out in a relationship.He's not good with money. I don't mind paying for us both sometimes but it gets annoying when he's constantly broke, and I have to wonder if he's going to keep doing this years down the road. He's also chronically late and doesn't seem to understand that this is disrespectful of other people and their time. He just carps about how silly it is that we have to follow clocks and schedules in this society.He's passive-aggressive, which is a big problem for me. I'm not usually the target of it, but I know better than to think it won't happen eventually. I've told him how I feel about it and asked him to please try to be direct with me when we have a conflict, but the few times we have had disagreements, he is as passive-aggressive as can be.I feel bad for saying all this because God knows I'm not perfect either and I'm sure I do things that annoy him too. Lately I've been feeling more exasperated and less warm towards him than usual, but maybe that will pass. There are good things too. He's caring and emotionally attentive, and we are close as friends as well as in a relationship sense. Am I being too critical and worrying over nothing, should I give it more time?
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 "His new age stuff might be great for a university settings among careless flower kids but it is a serious impediment in vast majority of other situations."
A great response!
Mark
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (7 June 2014):
Hi,
I agree with YouWish...great to have a young person like yourself demonstrate maturity and eloquence in a post. You sound a very level headed, smart girl.
It sounds like this lad lacks a sense of maturity and responsibility. He dismisses time, lacks financial control, expects you to pay his way and that's neither fair nor boding well for your future. Maybe you need to stop paying and stop waiting for him to arrive late. He will soon get the massage that you are not putting up with his irresponsible behaviour. If you stand him up when he arrives late, and refuse to payout for him he will soon learn to get his act together. If he doesn't then you need to move on.
That issue of finance and time keeping aside, you don't want to play mother to this guy. I would follow the advice from YouWish and see what happens in 3 months. Maybe he will mature, if not you might consider moving on.
"I don't care if people believe differently from me, but I'm a little worried about how this dynamic will play out in a relationship"
As for his beliefs and way of expressing them, perhaps for the first year of this relationship you have both been a little more willing to respect each others differing beliefs and views, but after a year the will to not question is fading. Maybe you are now more confident of your own identity and your own views on the world around you and that makes you less, for the want of a better word, tolerant of his opposing views, or at least his outspoken views? I went through the same myself...
If someone wants me to believe something, they need to show me proof (ie: evidence) rather than expecting me to believe in something just because someone tells me its true.
Personally I think there is nothing blind, nor "dismissive of new ideas" about questioning the validity of something, especially when we consider the massive money involved in industries such as, for example, New Age, medium-ship, alternative medicine and so on. These are multi billion pound/dollar industries and it is worth questioning the validity of the claims for that reason alone.
If I think the moon is made of rock, and you think it's made of cheese, how do we decide who is right? Evidence. Im afraid someone saying "Mark, I just know in my heart of hearts, and feel with every fibre of my body that the moon is made of cheese and absolutely KNOW its true" just wont do for me as an individual. That is only proof of that persons conviction, not the validity of their claims.
Anyone who chooses to believe in something without evidence has the right to do so, but those who choose to think that dismissing scientific evidence, or deciding that subjective personal testimony, or clever New Age marketing, is more important or supportive of the claims than actual scientific evidence, has no right to accuse those of us who look for that evidence as being closed minded, dismissive or unwilling to see things clearly.
Personally I think that dismissing science and objective evidence in favour or word of mouth and personal conviction is a little fool hardy. As a species we are remarkably ill equipped to see the world around us in an objective, unbiased, rational way. Our hearts rule our heads, we are subject to selective memory, suggestion and emotion ruling over reason.
Science works by looking for evidence to either prove or disprove a theory. When an experiment shows evidence for something repeatedly and reliably, science notes the result and moves on. Pseudoscience often works by clinging to any evidence, no matter how inconclusive or unreliable, that seems to support a theory, and dismissing scientific tests that disprove it. Science can be backed up, tested and explained, pseudoscience relies on dismissing the physical laws of the universe or hard evidence with stock answers such as "everything is subjective" or that people are unwilling to open their minds. The world, the cosmos, our reason for being, the meaning of love, life and death can all be explained away by whatever cosmic, religious, psychic, energy force or new age belief we choose, but that belief is not the same as truth. There is a huge difference between conviction and evidence. One is not always born out of the other.
We can all believe in anything we want; religion, god, heaven and hell, the devil, the after life, Raiki healing, psychic powers, ghosts, out of body experiences or even fairies or aliens. The list is endless. But I personally would be happy to believe in any, or indeed all of those, if someone showed me some pretty good evidence. A second hand story, prone to exaggerations and omissions, or a paranormal enthusiast, religious leader, ghost hunter or New Age company telling me its true because they absolutely believe it is isn't enough for me personally, especially when I am expected to either pay out money or join a group of followers.
That's my own view, others will see things differently of course. If others wish to have faith, belief, choose personal experiences over scientific evidence or feels that science is not for them then that is their right and their privilege. I respect others beliefs and expect mine to be respected also, but I personally like to at least have some evidence to point to when my own beliefs or views are questioned, rather than resorting to blind faith. That's not to say in any way that my evidence is always right, and those who have no evidence always wrong, its just that for me evidence of a scientific kind seems a more reliable and objective thing than faith which is often taught to us at a young, impressionable age.
That is a strong part of my make up, my personality. With an interest in science and psychology it is also something I choose to seek in a partner. I did once have a GF who believed in fairies, auras, mediums, alien abductions, you name it. That was her choice and I wouldn't want to change her views, but they were at odds with my own feelings and it did come between us. Petty maybe, but whether it be religion, politics, morals or whatever, opposites In a relationship often come between people.
If your partner is a passive aggressive it is something he needs to work on. YouWish has explained it perfectly and I would make a few changes and see how you feel in a few months. But don't let this drag on unchanged for another year ;-)
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): We all step back and analyze the emotional situations that we're in. No matter what age-group.
You have to assess how it is progressing; from were it started, to where it's going. At your age, it might be a good idea to enjoy your youth and be somewhat carefree. There is plenty of time to make changes, improve, or purge elements from your life that hinder your growth.
If you find certain behavior in your boyfriend annoying; it helps when you discuss it with him. Tone has a lot to do with how you convey your feelings. If it comes across as critical or insulting, you may only get a defensive response. If it is constructive; he will try to improve on it. If the list of issues that annoy you seem to keep growing; that might be an indication that you're ready to move on. That you want to get out; and start seeing other people. Maybe just fly solo for a while, and date now and then. You are very much entitled to do just that.
In our younger years, we don't always think long-term when we are in relationships. In fact, it's healthier if you didn't. At your age, you are still going through the trial and error stages of bonding with people. Learning to form romantic-relationships; and exploring your emotions. Experimenting with different personality-types to see what matches well with your own. Compatibility is more important when you're searching for something long-term or permanent; not when you're just dating. However; you want to be with people with similar interests, and willing to compromise.
Relationships through our teens are for fun. Being too serious too soon often takes the fun out of it. That's stiff and inflexible. You're not looking for a husband.
You are both still in the process of developing mentally and physically; so you are are still going to see some degree of immaturity and irresponsibility in many of the guys you meet in your age-group.
That being said, you don't want to try to turn a 18-19 year-old into a 25 year-old, before his time. His mental development is still transitioning from a teenager to a young adult. No matter how intelligent and mature you may perceive yourself to be; others may see your faults as well.
You may be a little too mature for your boyfriend. He also seems to be developing an intolerant attitude; which is probably reflective of his upbringing. You on the other-hand; have been taught to be open-minded and analytical. To form an opinion once you know the facts. That is probably the example set for you by your own parents. It is also how your personality works.
Your boyfriend has a few quirks that seem to be getting to you.
Generally, what you've described aren't necessarily severe enough to breakup. If he is resistant to change and constructive criticism; that's his immaturity. You may be tiring of that side of his personality; because you are quickly progressing and developing. Perhaps he isn't keeping up with you. Unfortunately; males in your age-group don't mature as fast as females.
You are smart to know that it may be time for ending this relationship; and moving on. Perhaps enjoying just being single; and exploring your options.
If only more young women your age would figured it out the way you have. They'd have less emotional trauma in their lives. They'd grow to be stronger women.
As YouWish mentioned, it is quite refreshing.
You don't cling to some guy just because it's easy, or out of fear of how long it might take to find someone else. Hanging on because he compensates for some weakness or deficiency in your own personality. Rather than working on yourself to improve, or boost your self-confidence. Denying or relinquishing your own independence, to rely on some guy to take care of you. Don't get me wrong, we all have to have some vulnerability. That's how we form trust in other people.
The best ways to gauge it, is to let it last as long as you find fulfillment; and you continue to enjoy it.
You are a very wise and sensible young lady. Just try to be flexible and understanding. You may find some faults consistent in young males; but you have a right to pick and choose those faults you can live with.
Your parents should be proud. They've done an excellent job.
As for breaking up; if you feel it is right, do what you've determined is right for you. Try to be kind, but be assertive. You can't go back and forth, second-guessing yourself.
Make sure it is what you really want to do; and you won't change your mind as soon as he finds someone else. You'll realize it's not an easy thing to do.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2014):
 First of all, your post is a breath of fresh air. For you to analyze the state of your relationship with this level of maturity is amazing, and you're showing that you've left high school and the lower standards of partner choosing behind. You're going to be a success in life, I'm sure of it.
Now, what you've done on here is write up a pro's and con's list. I don't think you're being too critical in the slightest. I'm going to break down my thoughts on the subjects you've put here:
1. RELIGION: You're absolutely right. You don't need to be part of a church to be religious. Politics is a religion as well as new age or spiritual pursuits of any kind. Even vegetarianism, martial arts, or yoga has a spiritual aspect to it. He *is* dogmatic whether he realizes it or not as long as he criticizes others or doesn't allow what he believes in to stand the test. However, be careful, because using the term "pseudoscience" meaning "false science" is a judgment of his beliefs and will encourage defensiveness. Calling his belief a pseudoscience would be like telling a fundamental Christian that their religion is a crutch or an opiate. But you're right - this could have issues in a marriage.
2. FINANCIAL: This is a BIG DEAL. You shouldn't have to be paying for everything, and if he's constantly broke, that's a big deal. What is his credit like? Do you even know? And why is he broke? Does he have no job, or does he spend his money on toys? Does he have an alcohol or drug or gambling problem? Does he blow his money at the bar with his buddies? This makes or breaks relationships big time. How are you with money? Maybe instead of paying his way, why not do things that don't cost? I know what it's like to be a poor college student, and you need your money as much as anyone. Be wary about this and ask the tough questions. Someone bad with money is NOT a good idea. College students aren't the richest in the world, so WHY he's broke is a big issue.
3. LATENESS: That one is a compatibility issue, and you'll have to make the decision on whether or not you accept this. I'll say this: His ideals about the lack of clocks won't fly well at a job. They kinda expect you to go in on time. However, if he's creative, he may in fact find a job where he can make a living setting his own hours. The real question is - is he hard-working, or is he lazy? How are his grades? His view on time sounds immature. I agree with you - punctuality is a big deal to me because time is more precious than money. My husband tends to be less punctual, but I've learned to accept it and we have a system that works.
4. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: You *are* the target of it and I bet you don't realize that. You already said that it comes out in disagreements, and you realize that it could be a problem. This is a compatibility issue. Some can live with it, some can't. If you can, you'll have to accept it in him and learn to communicate in spite of it. Are you willing to accept him if he never changes in this area?
5. FRIENDSHIP: You have the pro's too. Do they outweigh the cons? Based on what you've said here, I think a bit more time is okay. Again, you've done a mature thing in this post, and I'm even more glad that you're not feeling this way because someone else has caught your eye. That's the wrong way to handle things and can skew and distort a current relationship.
I'd say give it another 3 months. You are young and there is time. It's possible that you can live with who you have, but stress has gotten to you. However, if after a few months, you realize that you can't do it, then maybe it's time to call things off.
One thing though I've noticed...everything you've described could be a product of immaturity and can be grown out of. If he's your age or around it, a little time is a good thing. Stop paying for things and do a little research (i.e. ask him or observe) his spending or money habits. If he has bad credit, that can hamstring long term goals.
Keep your eyes open for the next few months, make and tweak your pros and cons list, and let us know here how it's going!
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (7 June 2014):
 Think of it this way, you've been with him for nearly a year. Can you see yourself still with him in another 'nearly a year's? I'm in a similar situation, and I think this is an interesting way of looking at your relationship. If you can't see yourself together in another nearly a year's time, then it's best to cut your losses now.
Good luck x
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