A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What should I do? My best friend of right years became single and we always had feelings for each other so we decided to try it out. We had a fantastic month of dating, we were happy. And then his ex talked him into trying again. I realize that I shouldn't be hung up over this, but he went back to her and I told him not to speak to me. And then I found out I was pregnant. I decided to keep it. I planned to keep it a secret and raise it myself because I'm very steadfast that obligation is not love and I won't marry someone over a baby.But then I lost it. My ex's brother is one of my best friends, one of the only ones I could think of to call really. And now after the miscarriage he has insisted that I tell his brother because he has a right to know. I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 OP, you seem to miss the point : whatever you have thought of saying or omitting to say to your ex when you were pregnant, for whatever reason,... well now the situation is different, isn't it. Unluckily , there's no baby anymore ( very sorry to hear about that, btw ).
So, for what practical purpose would you tell your ex now ? Since he won't be asked for child support or requested to be present in the life of his baby ? You did not want to tell him anything when you were pregnant !, what do you want to tell him now for ? Having his pity, his compassion ? making him feel sorry for you ? ...maybe he would , maybe he would not. But, how this would help you anyway in moving on ? he is your EX, he has another gf now. Whatever happened before ( particularly something that you did not see fit telling him right away when it happened ) won't be relevant now, and won't help YOU moving on as you should.
If the brother is so fired up about telling him what happened- then let HIM do it , if he just can't keep his big mouth shut. ( I bet he will anyway ). But you should not be involved.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 If you think that what we said to you is "bashing" you, then you need to grow thicker skin. You don't get a word we've said to you. Why don't we dispense with the "you should be ashamed" and the "making me out to be a monster" melodrama. I don't see you as being a monster, only someone who is considering using what's happened to manipulate your ex's feelings, and you made the bad decision to withhold knowledge of his child from him.
If you're pregnant, your mind should not be on whether the man is in YOUR life or not. All that should matter, all that should *ever* matter, is if the father is in the CHILD's life. You become secondary. However, you were willing to deny your child a father and the father the opportunity and the responsibility to the child's well being. A man doesn't have to be in YOUR life in order to do right by his child. You don't give the GUY the shot. You give your BABY a shot. The baby would have been all that mattered, all that ever mattered, and all other drama goes out the window. The child would have needed child support, a family medical history on the father's side, and possibly access to their grandparents and if he or she had wanted to know their father, would you have lied to them about it??
However, you were thinking of yourself and yourself alone in keeping the information from the father, which, by the way, is illegal. If he ever found out you were pregnant and it was his, he could sue for rights of visitation. But you kept that info from him because you were angry he went back to his ex. I can understand that, but it's wrong.
Now, you lost the child, which I'm sorry to hear, but THEN wanting to tell him?? Come on, now. Stop lying to yourself. If this is, as you say, all about not wanting to keep in in your life, you'd NOT tell him, cut off contact, and stop talking to his brother. You can't tell me you wanted them to have a shot if you're still in contact like that.
Let it all go, and stop with the ad hominem attacks on us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): Thank you both for the replies making me out to be a monster because I was confused, pregnant, and scared when I decided to keep it. To clarify I did tell him brother about my plans to raise it myself. I've been very close to his family for years.
My keeping it a secret was because even if I'm upset about him going back to his ex, I'm willing to give them a shot and I didn't want to get into the middle of a war because of a baby. Which I wouldn't have done had I been scheming to get him back. As I stated, if he knew I was pregnant he would have come back, and I don't want a man in my life because of a baby.
As I've said I got a lot of pressure to tell him from his brother. Putting me in a rock and a hard place because of this exact reaction you both have given me. You should be ashamed of yourselves for bashing a woman who was alone and just lost her child.
And youwish, I got pregnant on birth control. You both should see about not writing on this site if you don't plan to help people. This isn't about bashing and pointing a finger. This is about supporting and helping people in tough situations.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2014):
Yeah, I agree with Cerberus. What kind of logic would have you NOT tell him you were pregnant and then TELL him when you lose the pregnancy? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. You don't tell a guy you're pregnant to keep him. You tell him to make arrangements to care for the child with child support and possibly having a dad in his or her life.
That in itself makes me wonder if you're scheming to get him back. He's not your friend. You were sleeping with him, had feelings for him, and he wasn't into you like he is with his ex. Time to let him go. But I doubt you will. Seriously, let him go...and USE protection!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): I wouldn't tell him as it has nothing to do with him. If I were him I wouldn't want to know either. Not because I'm heartless, but I really wouldn't want to find out that you'd planned to keep my child a secret from me and raise it without me in its life.
You see, OP the time to tell him has long passed. It was a nasty thing for you to just decide he didn't deserve to have anything to do with the child of his you were carrying.
I don't see any good coming of you telling this guy and I hope for your sake you weren't foolish enough to confide in his brother your real plans.
Leave him alone, he doesn't need to know any of this shit as it has no bearing on his life at all, but may cause an untold amount of shit if he is told. In this case ignorance is bliss, so tell his brother that's what you've decided and tell him to respect your decision. He won't of course as it's his brother, he'll probably tell him himself.
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