A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been put in an awkward position over my mum's new boyfriend, and I'm not sure whether to confront mum over it.I'm 26 and mum is 55 and my dad died 4 years ago. Mum and dad were married since they were 19 and my mum spent a long time grieving for my dad. My uncle is in a care home. The manager of this care home took a shine to my mum. At first she was reluctant, and said no, but he kept on at both my mum and my auntie. They went out for a few dates. He is a divorcee.Now, since I've had to come home for a bit since i split with my boyf, I was shocked to see that this man sees my mum about 4 times a week. She also casually dropped in that she was "staying over". I was angry as this was never really discussed with me, and i felt that this man, whom my mum was reluctant to even date, was unknown to me, yet when hes here, i have to act normal and polite. ive tried to discuss with mum who he is to her, but she says "it's embarrassing"- but i have a right to know.Recently, he's been at the house a lot, and there is something about him i dislike. I feel that, although hes a nice guy, my mum is very wishy-washy, and weak willed. He is very strong charactered. She goes out with him a lot, and to my knowledge, not at her request. He always asks her. Recently, mum came back from holiday and he asked her to go out on the same day. The second she was back, he was ringing. She went out. Next day, went out, stayed over. The thing that's bugging me is a) my mother appears to be "going along with it" - mum has a hard time saying no to people, and b) as he is involved with my uncle and mum sees him at work, its not going to exactly be easy for her to distance herself. He will sometimes make "jokes" about him moving in as a lodger, or "jokes" about them buying a house together, but i think its loaded. Mum will jokingly go "no way!" but i think hes serious.Tonight, mum told me, if my auntie rings back, don't say she stays over at this man's house. nor that she was planning a holiday with him. So i had to lie.My auntie, then told me a lot of stuff about this man, i didn't know - telling me "don't tell your mum.." such as he sucks up to my auntie when he wants info about my mum, but then when hes seen my mum, will ignore my auntie. My auntie also said that he has stated before that he "could have any of the care workers there". My auntie - unprompted by me- said she found him persistent, obsessive, and arrogant. She also stated that "hes not mums type! she admitted it" This worried me. THEN in the next breath, said that she didn't think that this man and my mum "even held hands so it was nothing to worry about". I thought "Theyre doing more than that!" My auntie has no idea, and then told me "don't tell your mum that i think hes a bit weird- its not serious is it?" So now, ive got two people saying to lie to my family. And all over some creepy man. My auntie echoed what i said- that she felt mum was flattered and going along with it, thinking it was fun and companionship, but he sees it differently. i know mum won't get married again, or wouldnt do anything stupid financially. But emotionally, shes not very strong. If this were one of my boyfriends, mum would confront me. But i don't want to cause trouble. I feel like i should say something because i'm lying to my mother and auntie now. My brother who is 24, is useless. He just shrugs if i try to discuss it with him.this is not about my dad- mum was seeing a widower as "a companion" before. This guy and mum used to meet every week, they were friends, but there was nothing one-sided or strange about it, and as another widower, i felt he understood how mum felt. This guy, i think, believes that mum is going to be a long term partner. i don't know anything about the relationship, yet i'm being asked to lie about it to people. mum told me not to tell my gran too! I feel like i should talk to mum about this. What should i do? x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): I can understand where you are coming from but think VERY carefully before deciding what to do next!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't volunteer information to your family. Your mum shouldn't have put you in that position to begin with. However your mum is a big girl and I don't think she is a fragile as you think. If she wants to date the guy it's her business. Talk to her if you want to but remember she's the mum and you are the daughter and not the date police.
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