A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have founds some texts on my bfs phone and to cut a long storey short from a female he apears to have met online or through a friend (as she doesnt know how he looks), although the conversation is flirty its not sex-chat, and its unclear weather he intends to meet her or he has changed his mind. ((Either way i find it hurtfull)) It IS clear from the texts, that she doesnt know about me. There was also a simular situation a few months back, with texts from a different number that(because i know his habbits etc) gave me cause for concern. My bf works away in a very alfa-male environment, and although i'm not excusing his actions, i could see him signing up to something to be 'one of the lads'. So my question is.... Do I contact this woman? I want to work through this as we've been through so much together,but I cant stand not knowing for definate (even though i'm 99.999% sure)and dont want to have to second guess everything he's doing. But what if i'm wrong? Its going to get back to him. but could do without making myself look like a paranoid wreck (and possibly embarrasing him if it is innocent). Thanks for any opinionsoxo
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Hi guys,
I am the origional poster, I'm writing this as at the mo, cant find whow to do a folow up!! When i suss it out, i'l coppy this text!!!!
Firstly i have voted all the answers 5*, as they were all amazing in there own way (OMG why didnt i find this site years ago!!!!!!!!!)
But i would just like to add for others in a simular situaton reading this (thatand for my own theriputic mechanism of putting this into words).
I understand from re reading my question... i didnt quite make it clear...... I did not want to BLAME/SHOUT at the other woman, i just felt that given my own personal reassons; i wanted to hear someone S P E L L I T O U T to me that he was cheating.
The situation came to a head today and was 1million times worse than i could have ever imagined. And the 'other wowan' i speak of was indeed not at fault what so ever!!!
I just really wanted to share with any one who was reading this article for advice.... he had me dependant on our relationship but i now realise my 'personal reasons' for allowing him forgivness were making me a doormat!!! And once you forgive indiscressions (as i have stupidly done in the past) you set the president for the future.
yes ... harmless flirting has given me a lift, but i have never /will never cross the line into decitfull (lol i now i so cant spell)flirting ... the exchange of contact details for no other reason than flirting; then ironing that with hiding it form a partner; the one who you are 100% supposed to be honest (and flirty ;-)) with.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Just curious,, How many times have you flirted with a guy with NO intention of getting booty ???? A harmless flirt made you feel better didn't it ?? Uh,, Did your boyfriend flirt with you before you two got together?? Sometimes a harmless flirt is just that a harmless flirt. Talking to this woman would be one of if not the worst idea you've had. If your bothered by your bf's flirting you need to talk with him about it. And,, hope you never flirt with another male. Don't expect something from others you would not expect from yourself..
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (3 February 2010):
 Why are you so afraid of it getting back to him? This kind of flirting is really inappropriate, even if its only flirting. Does your boyfriend know that you know at all? You should tell him.
About confronting the other woman... I wouldn't "confront" her, but go ahead and give her a heads up, send a simple, NOT angry message to let her know you exist. If I was a single woman involved in an almost-dating type situation with a guy, I would want to know if he had a girlfriend. If it turns out she doesn't care, then oh well, but at least you warned her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2010):
 She didn't do this to you - HE did. If you need to confront or talk to anyone it's him.
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 Don't talk to the other woman, talk to your boyfriend. Sit down with him and have a chat, but don't be accusatory because - as you implied - you don't know fully what's going on.
Just ask what's up with all the random text messages to this girl. Ask him how he would feel if you were sending flirty text messages to anther guy. Try and make him see it from your point of view. If he gets defensive, then that's a sign that something isn't right - because by getting defensive, he's showing you that he's possibly hiding something and doesn't want you to find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Its hardly innocent is it? I mean you are in a relationship right? Its simply not acceptable to be flirting with texts in this way. You seem to be looking for a way to make an excuse for him - by blaming this other girl? Wise up. He is the one orchestrating all this. I wouldn't even bother listening to him and I would get rid - after all you are not going to trust him now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): I agree. She isn't the problem. He is.
Even if you confront her and she leaves. Another one will take her place.
Don't make excuses for him. Alpha-male environment? You don't need to flirt with another girl when you are in a serious relationship to prove anything.
If he feeds you this, it's bs. If he truely loved you what his "pack" thinks wouldn't matter.
You need to tell him he needs to cut this stuff out if he wants to keep you.
Would he like it if you were doing this?
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (3 February 2010):
 No, she does not even know you exist. It is your man you need to not make excuses for and have the show down with. He is the one with the obligation to you - not her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 February 2010):
No, not the woman. Either she really doesn't know you exist, or she doesn't give a damn. And yes, it will get back to him. You're far better off asking him about her. The problem here is your boyfriend. He's been texting one woman, and has now been texting another. I think the problem is your boyfriend.
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