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age
36-40,
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writes: I've just found out my girlfriend has been messaging her ex in secret, should I confront her about it? We're both 26 and have been together 6 years. Her ex was her childhood sweetheart but they split up after he cheated on her. A few days ago I was using our iPad and an iMessage popped up from a random number. I thought it was strange that someone would randomly message our iPad but then realised she had unwittingly synced her iPhone and the iPad together so any messages she would receive would go to both devices. I looked through the messages and saw that they had been chatting for weeks. I'd actually been thinking she had been very secretive about her phone but wasn't too bothered about it at the time. The thing is though they've just been chatting like friends, there's nothing sexual or flirty about their messages so I can't exactly have a go at her for some innocent chit chat can I? I'm not really bothered that she's chatting to him again but just can't understand why she'd keep it from me. Plus she went mental at me a couple of years ago for chatting to one of my exes in a nightclub so it makes her a bit of a hypocrite. What should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 December 2014):
 I'd bring it up. For 2 reasons.
1. her sense of double standard. SHE can talk to an ex, but you can't without her going mental? Not OK.
2. She may not be aware that she synced her cell phone with your iPad. So, I'd let her know that she did so she can "un-sync" for privacy. But also it's a GREAT way to bring up the whole WHAT is OK in a relationship and what is not. Double standards... is NOT OK. talking to exes, CAN be OK.
And with #2 you actually SHOW her that you TRUST her and respect her privacy.( even though, you read all their shared messages - which I get, it's RIGHT there, but borderline snooping).
YOU two know each other pretty well (I presume) after 6 years together, so TALK to her. BE open and honest with her. And when you HAVE the conversation, be non-confrontational.
People who can communicate well with their partner do MUCH better in their relationship, than people who don't.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 December 2014):
 I agree with what the male anon said. Maybe she never thought that she would chat with her ex on friendly terms again but now that she has, she probably sees nothing wrong with it but she also cant get herself to tell you about it because she's afraid you might call her a hypocrite.
Talk to her about it OP; most relationships suffer because partners choose to keep things to themselves rather than sharing their thoughts with their partners. Talking things out does not ever mean that you just *have to* get into a fight. No, certainly not. It just means that you want your relationship to remain transparent and you're willing to work at it rather than doubt and assume things.
You don't have to accuse her of anything, just tell her what you've told us. That a message from an unknown number popped up and you saw the messages between her and her ex.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 December 2014):
There's obviously no reason to get upset but also no reason not to mention that you noticed it. I'd remind her about boundaries a d how harmless chatting can progress to harmless flirting, innuendo, meet ups, and eventually cheating. So lines need to be drawn.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): I guess when your girlfriend went mad at you for chatting to your ex in a nightclub she never thought she'd chat to her ex on friendly terms again, but since it's happened, she may realise that she would come across as bit of a hypocrite and thinks you will react badly if you found out she was chatting to him, hence why she's tried to keep it hidden from you. You know she chats to him you know it's nothing flirtatious, maybe try and be comfortable in the knowledge that you know she chats to be him and it's nothing bad. If you pull her up about this it most likely will start a conflict off between you both and she may end up closer to this ex again than you both ever thought, and that's the last thing you want. If you really can't let this go without asking her, then maybe try asking how her ex is doing, when she asks why you're asking, just explain that when you used the ipad, a message from an unknown number which you thought was strange, so you checked it out and discovered it's her ex, but also tell her you're not that bothered by it, that way she may not go on the offensive with you and you both can avoid a conflict over this. I speak from experience that some things aren't worth mentioning to your partner as they're too small and petty to risk arguments and Fallings out over. I'm currently not on speaking terms with my own girlfriend at the minute because i pulled her over something to do with her ex, and she went mental at me about it. To me it seemed like a big deal at the time but to her i guess it didn't, and maybe I did over react over it lol.
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