A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm 45, married with 2 kids. A couple of years ago I had an affair with a married woman who is one of a couple who were our friends. We planned to tell our partners, but a year ago, she ended the relationship suddenly, and completely, just after it had become physical. She ended it by text, and totally refused to talk to me in any way, which was completely opposite to the way she had been before. She seemed to turn her emotions off like turning off a tap, and treated me like an embarrassment she just wants to forget as quickly as possible. I fell for this woman very deeply, and she told me she felt the same, but in hindsight, I think she must have been looking for some temporary distraction, and when it got serious, she fled. I know there is no future in thinking about it any more, but a year later it still haunts me. My marriage is passion-free. We work well together, get on OK, and love the kids, but I feel like there is a huge hole inside me now. I just 'act' my life out from day to day. I'm not me any more.I very occasionally see my ex-lover in passing, but we never ever communicate. I have tried to get her to talk or answer a letter, but she totally refuses, so I have given up trying. Her partner knows she had an affair but not with whom. I think he suspected me, but would never mention it as it is now 'all over'. We don't ever see them socially now. I don't think I can carry on with this sham for another 30 or 40 years, but I don't want to hurt my family. I accept that I am in the wrong here, but I don't know what to do. I want to confess to my wife, and move away, and let her get on with her life but I am so afraid of hurting the kids and her.
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affair, married woman, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Hi Hunny
Do you want to get back what you once had with your wife? At some point your sex life must have been good the passion can go when you have children and resposability over rides all the things that used to be fun, Your days get routine and it becomes to many a dull exsistance...Working coming home still working going to bed and doing it all over again day in day out....You get on with your wife you love your children YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!!!!Maybe because you wanted something different to happen rather than the day to day routine that had got into a rut...Im not for one minute saying that was acceptable because its not, What you should have done is gone to your wife and said lets do something mad crazy like we used to do! Have you got parents or has your wife got parents that could have the children for a weekend hunny so you could have time together? I say this and everyone may not agree with me, But it seems to me that you feel the need to tell your wife and then just go because you feel she is going to tell you to f off anyway so your mind is made up..These friends of yours that you no longer see do you not think your wife wonders why you no longer see them? Do you think there may be a remote possibility that she may wonder why they dissapeared from your lives so abruptly. I would very much so, Hunny think very carefully if you still have feelings for your wife and this other woman gave you the passion you so desire then its simply the romance and desire that is missing and this woman should be shot if you ask me, I presume she was a friend of your wifes yea good mate eh! Women do sometimes no when there man has been doing something as he changes and certain things are so different that its hard not to notice this change unless your blind, My husband cheated I new it was only a silly thing in a bloody bush and he couldnt tell me and I asked and I heard him on the phone with this girl, He though I was asleep and he was saying oh dont phone she will kill me so on...I dont want to see you again...I asked him again after hearing that with my own ears and he still said NO! Well I threw him out Id given him more than one chance....If there is a chance you can sort this out and you still love your wife then talk to her, After you question you have nothing to loose have you..Its possible to put that spark back hunny message me if you need to talk TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has answered. I am thinking this through and will update when I have sorted things out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): I agree with all posts - except Lauras.
You have some work to do my friend!. And you have to go deep to find out what you are lost over. You have lost your direction and focus on what you want out of your life.
Take a big step back and find all of the emotions which are distracting your direction in life. When you got married, had the children and started to build a life, your relationship changed with your wife. It became more committment orientated, more restrictive and full of responsibilities. Perhaps when you became this cheater, you found it hard to handle all of these areas where you were supposed to be the stand up guy for your family.
You have in the past, made some very poor and cowardly choices. Whether this is something you wish to here or not, you have the ability to either create a fulfilling life with your family by being completely committed and focused on it or you can choose to continue to find all the reasons why you are not happy in your life and feel that your the victim and deserve more. Come on, find out what it is about your marriage or wife which is no longer for you, see if it can be revived and work you butt off to make it happen.
Otherwise run away from your life, don't be concerned about the end result and live with it.
To be honest, I think you need to get over yourself and stop justifying the terrible decisions you have already made for your family, and been able to excape from.
People choose to have an affair, it does not just happen. Find out what is missing in you, your character and abilities to cope, for you to decide that this was an okay way to behave. Where has it gone wrong for you and what can you do to make yourself a better person, inside and out!
Leave the other women alone. And, stop feeling sorry for yourself that she has moved on. Again, your justifying the affair and pretending it was something special. It wasn't, live with it and make a committment to yourself to stop being a loser. Only losers run away!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Your wife and children deserve better. Give them the opportunity to experience life without lies and deception by leaving. How could they miss something that never existed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): I totally disagree with Laura's advice below.
Staying in an unhappy situation is not good for anyone and you have expressed that you don't want to live a 'sham' for the rest of your life.
The other woman involved was a symptom and not the cause of your problem.
Children are better off growing up with 2 happy parents not together than with 2 miserable ones only staying together for show.
You need to address your marriage and make a decision to stay or go, and do it soon.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 Whatever happened cannot be undone.
This is your cross , you will have to bear alone.
You can confess to God but not to your wife .
Just leave everything nice and clean.
Do not opened that can of worm.
For it can destroy everything you have build.
Better you suffer alone than your wife and children.
Atone for your mistakes and this will take away the sting of this guilt.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 If you are sure that your marriage is unfixable and you definitely will be better off divorced then talk to your wife about that. There is no need to mention your affair to her just the fact that you are not happy and want out. She does not deserve to have insult added to injury. Try to have some character here and do the right thing by your wife and children.
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