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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been struggling with this for a while. And so I just want one more bit of advice.Should I confess that I am jealous of my husband's best friend and this other girl, who is also a mutual friend? And that I feel insecure?I'm jealous of the friend because I think my husband is sharing secrets with him and I have this strong paranoia that he is talking about me behind my back to him in negative ways.I am jealous of the girl because although it doesn't seem they are flirting or anything, he seems to praise her in public and never seems to even meantion my name let alone praise me. Both these people make me feel neglected, although the girl he only speaks to once every few days, his friend he talks to daily.My husband tends to get angry very quickly and deffensive if he is confronted with things. I don't want to argue, I just want to confess how I feel to try to move past it, because I am getting so sick with depression over this that I'm falling apart. I just want to get it out so maybe it can be resolved.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 Now I hear more details from you, your insecurity is justified. He sounds crazy. He crushed your self esteem, your ability to decide and stand up for yourself.
If you are wrong all the time, then what's the point? You are not right for each other. Tell him you are not happy and will not be happy so the solution would be to end this.
I think you already tried your best. You are too focused on a guy who isn't worth it and you forget all other nice guys out there who wouldn't dream of making you that miserable. Maybe you haven't seen this side of him before marriage. I know vows are serious but he is not going to change any time soon. If you have other living arrangements maybe you can take a time out then decide what to do with him. A time out can clear your head and give you a fresh perspective.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I get jealous because he treats me less than other people. He laughs and smiles with them, and rolls his eyes at me. This is getting worse all the time. It is his behavior making me jealous. He flirts right in front of me. I need to confront him but I'm scared he will not understand. He has only appologized to me three times in six years. Because to him, I am wrong all the time and he is right all the time. That is not a blanket statement, this has been made clear. And he gets mad at me not for being sad. He gets mad at me for expressing any feeling except happy.Also he is very jealous, too. If I am late by 5 minutes from work he accuses me of having sex with people. I am 100% loyal to him and have never cheated. But he always says he doesn't trust me, that I don't love him, and that I will leave him, which isn't true. The more he gets involved with these people the more I am scared he is not 100% loyal to me. Or maybe he is just tired of me and wants to leave for a new girl. And I live every day in torment now.I feel like a dog in a kennel watching the owners eat steaks while I get nothing.... PS he will not go to counceling. He thinks that is a bunch of mumbo jumbo or I would do that for sure.... :(
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 September 2011):
Why such poor self esteem? If you want to talk about it you can mention first that you are feeling sad, and you don't think it has anything to do with him, even though his behaviour triggered the sense of abandonment pain in you. You are not trying to change his behaviour. It can be very hard for him to understand and relate to you. The important thing is not to make him therapist, not to blame him for your mood issues. But it would be helpful if he can acknowledge what it is that bothers you, and be your moral support. Also what you think can improve the situation. Men feel better that there is an end to this suffering. It's true that it feels better to get it off your chest but I feel that this is persistent issue and it affects him deeply too. He might be using his anger to avoid dealing with you, especially if he doesn't know what to do to make you feel better. Being in a relationship with someone is proof that you are worth the love, it would be impractical for him to always think of something nice to say to you just so you won't get paranoid.
Okay, so what I would do is to alter your thinking, your irrational fears. Every time you have a negative thought try to change it into a positive one. Be aware whenever you make absolute statements such as "when he says this, he doesn't love me," when he praises other people, I am not praisable", "when he shares secrets with other people, I am not his friend anymore."
At the end you also have to decide whether he is paying you enough attention. If he is not because he wants to avoid you, you have to think of something fun to do with him. And when he pays you more attention after that reward him by being happy.
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