A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My boyfriend, Aaron, and I have been friends for many many years and finally fell in love and moved in together in September. Things are great. My problem is his ex, Cynthia: he was with her for 5 months and left her because he was NOT in love. She came to him after the breakup to tell him she wanted to stay friends. They see each other regularly. She seems to have moved on, in love with her new bf, wants to marry him etc. But my boyfriend's dad and mom, his friends (a lot of them are also my friends) keep on inviting her to all the group gatherings parties etc. That makes me uncomfortable. And so is the fact that they remain friends. The past is the past, right? I don't want to be a jealous possessive freak, and I'm trying to deal with this. I've already told my boyfriend that if I kept on seeing my ex and my friends kept on inviting him over, he wouldn't be too happy. And he admitted he wouldn't like it all and that he would be jealous, but that the fact is: they (Cynthia and him) are friends. And I have to accept it. I know he loves me but if he does, why is this friendship more important than not hurting me? I've tried explaining things to him nicely. I don't want to threaten and have him choose (I know he would chose me, but WHAT would I win, really? I would feel guilty and possessive). I don't lack confidence; from everybody around us, she meant nothing romantically to him, and he's finally met someone he's happy with. But each time, her presence revives the jealous feelings I'm trying to overcome. Should I just do the same? Hang out with my ex to show him how it feels? (I wouldn't mind, actually. My ex and I could easily be friends again -- I wasn't going there our of respect for Aaron...). How do I get this resolved without appearing like a controlling gf but without sacrificing my own happiness either? I want him to be happy, but hey, I want to be happy too !
View related questions:
confidence, ex girlfriend, fell in love, his ex, jealous, moved in, my ex, want to be happy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): I understand where you are coming from, since I'm not sure how I would feel in that situation if I was the girlfriend. However, in this case, I am the guy's ex who is still a friend. Maybe this isnt the same case, but I dated my friend several years ago for about 3 months. We broke up when we realized that the relationship wasnt going anywhere and that as much as we liked each other, we were not attracted to each other. Despite this we still like each other's company and have been friends ever since. My husband has no problem with him and has actually become friends with him as well. In my mind the relationship is the same that I have with my girlfriends. I cant speak for your boyfriend's ex, but its possible its the same for them, though there are ex's out there who still chase after the other for years. And its a little weird that she is invited to family functions, unless she was close to the family before they dated?In the end though, its all about trust, do you trust your boyfriend to stay faithful and honest? Jealousy over nothing can ruin a relationship. Also, you posted that you were friends with aaron for several years, how would you feel if he was dating a girl that wouldnt let you two hang out, even though you were just friends?Personally, I would just get to know her, or if you really have to, ask her if she is over him...most likely though, if its been years, she is just a good friend, nothing more.
A
female
reader, OSCARS MUMMY  +, writes (26 April 2009):
 its just my hubby has a son with an ex, they are very close and text each other a lot, and not always about their son.. ive had enough and because of that and a million other things ive told him i'm leaving him... he and this situation will never change so i have to go.
You are young and if its so bad and no one - especially your guy (who should still worship the ground you walk on and want to make you happy) will even consider your feelings then you have to think seriously now. I think unless the ex gets a guy who drags her away from this situation or she moves it will always be like this. But you deserve the best if you aint gonna get it here move on and leave these guys in their pathetic bubble xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, Oscars Mummy :) You furthered my thought; it's exactly how I feel: I don't feel I can progress in the relationship if she (his ex) is still around. I just don't want to be the selfish bitch that separates two friends!! As you get older, life gets weirder to deal with, doesn't it? I can't even imagine how I would feel if children were involved. It gives me the chills: how do they do that, the women (and the men) who must deal with their boyfriend/girlfriend's shared custody of the kids they had with another person? You must be wise, reasonable, digest the fact that you ex had a life before you, and, now you have to deal with their children = the symbols, the very fruit of that love... How don't you go crazy? Where do you find the strength and the wisdom?? I hope I never get there... Thanks again!!
...............................
A
female
reader, OSCARS MUMMY +, writes (20 April 2009):
You poor thing, i dont think anyone is considering your feelings here one bit?? To be honest unless she moves away i think it will always be like this, his family obviously loved her.. but they appear to be an open honest, open bunch and it seems that it is all innocent on their behalf and she obviously sees them as her second family. I think it is innocent but that is easy for me to say as an outsider looking in - if i were you i would hate it and i think if you said something to his family it could rock the boat and upset their perfect little world. I really do think its a case of put up or shut up here - if its gets to bad you should explain to him how your feeling and say that you dont feel you can progress in the relationship if she is still around, but be prepared to be hurt - this golden girl has her claws in (albeit very innocent) to this family and i dont think will go quietly!
...............................
|
