A
male
age
41-50,
*imarriedguy
writes:Hi I'm 32 yrs old and I've been married to my wife for 6 yrs.being bi sexual isn't something I tell my wife but I did tell her about my attraction to men when we first met and it didn't bother her. I'm now at a point in my life that I feel that being happy with my attraction for guys means that I want to tell my wife the truth of how I feel about men,and be completely open about my sexualality. I would really like some advice on the best way to approach this conversation with her. #2 I want her to understand that me coming out doesn't mean I want to leave her.coming out to her is the biggest and hardest decision I've made and having her upset by it or reject me because of it is a situation I hope doesn't happen. But I hope by telling her that altho I find some guys very good looking and I'm atracted to them,it's only a sex attraction not a relationship attraction.I would really like for her to understand that I do want to start having sex with guys occasionally and have her fully involved with it by having 3somes....so I would like to hear some advice on if I'm being selfish in telling her this,and hoping that watching me having sex with a guy in someway turns her/other women on as much as I want to see her with a guy..I've got so much emotion inside me about this I'm not thinking very clear but I'm very keen to hear any advice I can get .......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): If I was your wife I would be very hurt and also jealous that you want to have sex with ohther poeple-whether they are malee or female-and most women would not be up for seeing their partner get f-ed by a man,sorry,just being honest-hearing about it and thinking it's in the past is one thing-seeing it is quite another,sorry
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): If I were you, I would first take some time to think about how the relatioship is with your wife, for example, if is a happy one and if there's enough trust and communication between the both. As you said coming-out is not an easy thing to do, especially when the person you want to tell is your wife. However, if she already knew of your attraction for men it might not be as shocking. But when you chose her to marry you, she probably thought that you prefered women more than men, so your confession might still shock her. I personally think that you should be honest and comfortable with yourself first before telling your wife. That way you can share your news straighfoward and know exactly what and how you should tell her.
2nd. The 3some idea is sort of a slap to the face. I mean if your wife is down with the idea is up to her, but just the mention of it might really hurt her. She might feel that you're wanting to seek pleasure elsewhere because she's not satisfying you sexually. So you have to be careful with that idea.
I would recommend, as selfish as it might sound even to me that you ask your wife for a marital break. I know that you don't want her to think you're leaving her but I think you personally need the separation to try and find yourself. You need to figure out your true sexual identity, because you either like men or women, i don't believe in the in between. I think that this migt be more fair for you wife because dragging her into having sex and watching you have sex with another man is just not right. Instead tell her your "secret," and depending on how she reacts, ask her for time, go and experiment with males, and if you happen to find more sexual connection with them stick to that, and let her find someone who is not questioning his sexual orientation and is willing to be devoted only to her. That's the unselfish way to go.
Weight the pro's and con's of your decision and take time to choose the right way to go.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 trying to push the idea of threesomes is going to cause problems in your marriage.
she will feel offended and even if it doesn't happen will trust you less because what it signifies is you wanting to have sex with someone besides her. which is never a clever thing to say to a spouse unless you married a swinger. surely if you discussed your ideas of marriage before getting married you would likely know how she would react, rather than having to guess.
its just that once you suggest a threesome you cant take the idea back
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Your wife may not like this whole scenario. Don't you think this is something you should be upfront about BEFORE you get married? Most people don't get married so they can then have sex with other people with their spouses watching. You are going to possibly expose your wife to diseases and emotional harm. Why not just come out on your own and not involve someone else in a marriage and dishonesty?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): How does bisexuality do away with the commitment you gave your wife? Honestly, you chose her amongst all of the men and women out there in the world and vowed yourself to her and only her.
I am heterosexual. I am married. I can find other men attractive, as I am attracted to males.
You are bisexual. You are married. You can find other men and woman attractive and are attracted to both genders.
The only difference between heterosexual and bisexual, lies in the number of people you can choose from in the marriage pool. You could have easily married a man (presuming that's okay in your country).
Now, how is it appropriate for you to suggest that marriage (in your world) is to function like a Chinese menu? One from column A and one from column B. That because you are bisexual, you 'believe' you are entitled to one of each?
Using your wife in a threesome so that you can sleep with men is an abuse of the covenant of marriage. You are being abusive and selfish and you are acting without regard to integrity. You should never ask someone to do something for your pleasure when it violates the sanctity of them and the relationship.
You are more than the sum of your parts. You made a choice to commit to a woman, now either honor that commitment or get a divorce and date... but do not suggest a threesome so you can get your rocks off and date within the marriage. You would be using your wife and violating her.
I don't think I could come up with a more horrible scenario as a wife... than to hear this from a husband. It would epitomize hell on earth. If you are not ready to settle down then do the work within yourself to either get to the point of settling down, or to divorce and free yourself to sleep with whomever you please. But do not drag her down into your troubles or your confusion.
Simply because you are bisexual doesn't mean you get to have one of each.
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A
female
reader, krysberry  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 i would start by bringing up that you told her about this attraction before. now you have to be very careful on how you tell her you want to act on this attraction. make sure you make a point that you are not wanting to leave her. as far as wanting her involved with 3somes goes be careful. she may not be open to this idea. hopefully if she doesn't want you to be sexual with anyone else you will accept that. if she says no are you going to do it anyways? i would take things slow and start by telling her you are bi. see how she reacts to that. if she takes it well i can almost guarantee she will ask if you are going to act on it. if she does and you have no intention of acting on it without her consent tell her that. just remember to be honest. best of luck to you.
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