A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am almost 20 years old, and female. When I was 16, I began dating a boy who was 18 and lived in California. I'm from Texas. We spent a lot of time with each other despite the fact we lived so far away from each other. I flew to see him and he flew to see me. I graduated high school in May of 2008 and soon after we had relationship issues that led to a mutual breakup between the two of us in the summer. Not long after we got back together and things were normal. But he broke up with me soon after in the month of October and it ripped me apart. I was the most depressed I had ever been. And by the time December rolled around, I had made up my mind that I was moving to California to salvage the relationship. He had given me an ultimatum saying that for us to be together I had to move out there with him, and me being in my most vulnerable state, took it and went. Of course I had a life back in Texas; friends, family, scholarships, the works. I packed up two small suitcase of a few of my things and left. Of course I was happy to be with him and make the relationship work, and he supported me financially until I found a job. But I was also homesick. I missed my home and my family more than I ever thought possible. When I talked about how I missed my family he felt like I should pay attention to him instead. And when I talked to him about possibly moving back to Texas with me, it was always out of the question. Those discussions always ended up the same way, with me in tears and staying in California. Well, it's been a little over a year now and I'm still here. I visited my family over the Christmas break and it was incredibly hard to leave them. I have been homesick ever since. Not to mention I'm so distanced because of it I don't want to be touched or have sex. And I know it's killing my boyfriend. And I've tried to explain it's a phase and it will pass, but I don't know if it will. I love him, I know I do. But I don't want any physical part of it. I get annoyed and unaroused. I really feel like I want to move back to Texas, of course with him by my side but I know he won't move there even if I do. I haven't told him this because I am afraid of what may become. I just don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, and I love California. We have lots of fun and we've had lots of fun but I can't find myself to be sexually aroused anymore and any time I think about moving I get sad because I'm reminded of how much I love him and look at our pictures together and see the happiness. And when I think of home I get sad because I miss my family and my dog and how happy I am when I'm there and how I feel when I'm there. It's also much cheaper to live in Texas, school and cost of living wise. I'm so broke here I don't know if I'll ever go go school. I'm just so lost and have mixed feelings. What should I do?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (16 January 2010):
 Go home.
A relationship should be about comprimise, not him guilting you into staying, not letting you see family.
Go to your family, build a life and find someone that will allow you to see family.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, I'd like to thank all of you for your responses. I appreciate it very much. I am in a tough situation right now, so I need all the help and advice I can get.
Second off, I'd like to add a few things. I am still undecided about what I want to do. The more I think about home, the more I want to be there. But the more I think about staying here, the more I know how difficult it will be for me to leave, especially if in the end I do wind up breaking up with him. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how prepared I am for the heartbreak should he decide he doesn't want to move with me and we break up. I have become so comforted by his presence, whether we were together in the same state or not. I find it would be extremely difficult to get used to life without him other than being friends. We've been dating for 4 years now, one of them not being long distance. And should I plan to move, I won't do it until the lease on our apartment is up. So when I finally decide to talk to him about all of this, I feel it would put an expiration date on our relationship and we'd both just be miserable until then, that is if he doesn't want to move, which I know he doesn't.
Third off, I've come to many realizations through all of this. When I first moved, I was so vulnerable I moved without any hesitation, I just wanted to make the relationship work, even if it meant leaving everything else behind. And he's always had the upper hand because he has the ability to make me do whatever he wants so that I won't lose him. I have always done anything and everything just so I wouldn't lose him. And then there's the fact that I did move here because of his ultimatum. We had discussed, even before our relationship went downhill, him moving to Texas to be with me and he never wanted to do it. He said there was nothing there for him and it was a waste of a move ad money because he didn't think we'd be living there all that long. So he's never been willing to make the same commitment as me. He's too worried about his own comfort rather than mine. And I realized he has terms on our love and relationship, but love isn't about conditions. By asking him to move back with me, he is given a choice. Just like I had. And I feel like if he would feel as sad about losing me, as I would him he should try to at least be where I am instead of expecting me to follow. And theny friend told me that breaking up would be a last resort, although I'm not sure what to think about that.
So there's a bit of an update and some additional information. Once again thank you all for your responses.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 Granded, you two lived in different states and so one of you had to if you were to be together. It was really, really wrong to force you to go to California. He had to be as willing to move as you, and the decision should have been something you two agreed to.
However, I'm sorry to say that is in the past now, and you have to make the same decision. Either you stay, or you leave. I don't like the fact that once again it is you who has to make the difficult decisions.
Saying something like "I'm moving back to Texas, and if you love me you will come after me" would seem like fair payback, but it wouldn't really be fair. But at least is serves to illustrate how bad his attitude was at the beginning.
So, dear poster, you have to choose, and no one can choose for you. Either you stay there, or you go back to Texas.
Wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, heyitscarissaa +, writes (13 January 2010):
 Education and family are very very important things in your life. He should be supporting you in those two things. You need to communicate EVERYTHING with him. How you feel, what you want, how you two as a couple can achieve it, but your happiness should be a factor in your relationship too. It seems that he only cares about what he wants and the reason you don't want to be sexually involved is a lack of knowing he actually cares for you and its your way of taking something away from him as he is doing with you. Just talk to him about all your questions and if he doesn't seem down to see your side and try and make things work as a couple, i don't see why you would be with someone who doesn't care enough for you to at least try and figure something out. Education and Family are more important then a relationship in the end, especially when its only about him and his needs. Good-luck and i hope i helpedBest Wishes
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 January 2010):
Go home. I moved for a guy once about 5 years ago and I was homesick for quite some time. We ended up breaking up because I was always in a bad mood and didn't even want to be around him because I missed my family and friends...all I had was him and a couple friends from work. I wasn't bettering my life and I wasn't where I really wanted to be. I'm much happier now and feel in control of my life. I am where I want to be and do what I want to do and that feels much better.
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