A
female
age
36-40,
*asht
writes:My husband believes that the women should raise children. We were both unemployed and I was expected to do all the housework and make dinner and never talk back to him. He would not bathe our daughter or change any of her diapers or feed her or spend time with her. He would always say that he didn't feel like it and that's all the mother's job. Since giving birth to our baby my stomach looks saggy and wrinkled. We do not have that much money and I would try to exercise at home. When I would he would say things like I bounce everywhere and I shouldn't try to lose weight because he is the only one who's opinion mattered. When it comes to working I worked full time in the evening and he worked full time in the mornings so one of us could always be with our daughter. It just seems like I can't do anything right because I "needed to stay home". I personally feel like I should contribute to the home's finances. I feel worthless staying at home all day. We have had countless arguments about that and then next thing you know I "needed" to be blonde, enjoy football and be sporty, have sex whenever he felt like it and not say no, and always do what he told me to do. I am just wondering if I am being too selfish or if I should change things about myself because he is my husband and that's what he wants for the family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): No offense on your daughter but you need to send his a-- on the road to somewhere else. he is in total control of you and the longer you are together the worse it will get. i had a husband like that he was much older but the day i got a job and my kids started school he became out of control. we are not together because he lock me and my kids out. he said i was independant enough to work that i was independant enough to live alone. you don't deserve that. but i showed him who was the idiot. i was raised to be independent so i knew what i had to do. and so far i am doing pretty damn good. i'm sure someone around you would help you and your child. don't raise your daughter in a situation like that. the last thing she needs is to hear daddy's comments to mommy. my daddy did that and my mother was dying and couldn't do anything about it. i remember and i was about 7 years old. they don't forget. take a stand while your young and your daughter is small. good luck sweetheart.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 May 2009):
 Your husband is a control freak.You don't need to be blond. You don't need to be into sports. You don't need to always be available to him when he wants sex. You're allowed to say no. Your opinion matters just as much as his does. He sounds like he wants a slave, not a wife. Marriage is about giving and taking and making each other happy. It's definitely not about putting the other person down and making them feel bad all the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): How about you are a WIMP for letting him boss you around.'am i being selfish' how dumb are you? Listen to yourself! Never let anyone tell you what to do if any man told me 'stay at home,cook my food,wipe my ass' i would put him in hospital! Stand up for yourself woman!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 Sweetheart I am not trying to start an argument here but for god's sake you are what only between 18 - 21 and you sound like you are a 40 year old.
You are a woman at the end of the day and a mother and it is good to retain some level of exercise so that you don't get flabby and out of condition.
He has an extremely old fashioned attitude towards marriage and parenting come to that. Did his father act the same way and is his mother still a housewife and never allowed to work until the children were off hand.
There are millions of working mum's in this world, some do it out of choice and others do it as they have no other choice but to contribute to the home finances as it is too hard for one person to meet all the bills. There is no set answer to this one as you end up having to pay for childcare when children are very young but it all depends on the work you go in to.
You say at one point you worked full time in the evenings and he worked in the mornings, what did he do in the afternoons btw?
He must have ended up spending time with your daughter when he was with her in the mornings? Did you get any time for sleep at all when you were working at night time?
He is changing the goalposts with you i.e. now he says you need to be blond, enjoy football and be sporty - this is contradicting what he had previously said, is this because other guys he knows have wives who are like this?
The sex side of things is also something that he seems to want to control all the time and if he was any man at all he would understand that when you are looking after a child full time the last thing you want to do is give sex ON DEMAND.
I think you are certainly not being the selfish one here and if you want your relationship to work properly there needs to be compromise in your lives.
You need to be able to do the things you want to do to a certain degree - it is about give and take and not one person doing all the giving and the other doing ALL the taking.
Do you want to be old before your time, you want to enjoy life and if with help i.e. counselling if you could afford this - maybe if you got a part time job you would find better ways to communicate and make your relationship stronger and not one that is all about one partner and not to do with the other partner's needs.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, CGL0527  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 Personally, I think he's being sexist. Women have rights, and they should be respected. I really think that he should change, not you, all you're trying to do is help the family. You should try to come to an agreement on your finances and taking care of your child. If nothing changes then I think your husband is a bad man...
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