A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi sorry really long post. I ignored my intuition and moved back in with my ex husband again, we kept splitting up because he refused to have babies or commit to anything except work. Years later I am stuck in my ex husband's house. Before we were equal but now he has all the money (he says he is broke, but can spend hundreds on his car) and he makes all the decisions and tells me he is my best option. He never takes me out or does anything with me. Before I went back to him I was happy and healthy, now I cannot even work from his house as he does not have a proper address. he tells me I have to do it all myself but where and how he lives is killing me, which is why I left in the past, and he wont see this. he is still a workaholic and drinks and smokes and now so do I even though when on my own I was getting healthy. Now I feel a horrible ugly useless addict. I must take responsibility but I am so tire and desperate with having had no money or security or social life for years because of my choice to go back with him. When I get upset or angry, he says that I am pathetic or horrible (which i probably am) and says we can't move until i change my behaviour (he has made lots of other excuses for not moving too) Otherwise he keeps acting like he loves me but only if I put no pressure on him at all. I don't know what to do. I have no energy or faith in myself or him anymore. And at the same time I still have a fantasy that we will move on together and have a lovely healthy life but this is rubbish. In the past he cried or threatened me or promised to change until I got back with him. but he won't talk about this either. He tries to pretend that everything is shiny and new, and expects sex like a new relationship but we have known each other for 20 years! What do I do? I feel totally trapped and horrible. It is worse than when we were married because now I am nothing. Should I carry on trying to act like I believe in this fantasy? Otherwise this has gone on so long and got so confusing I don't know what to do. I do love him, by the way, and he is not evil. He says he feels suicidal which makes me feel worse because I know it is no fun for him either having me here. I am just trying to kill myself by smoking. Help. I have no money or anywhere to go now, although I did when I moved in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I would still go and talk with a divorce attorney/lawyer to see whether you can have your settlement reopened, and if there's a possibility to recoup some kind of financial settlement (especially if you were entitled to one). Do you have a legal aid society where you live? You may be able to get a 1/2 hour consultation (in an office or over the phone) for free. If you're not sure, ask at your local library for more info. Good luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 December 2009):
I'd like to be able to say yes, you could sort it out. But if you actually take away the emotion and look at the facts, it's hopeless. He and you never really do anything together, with him claiming he's broke, he makes all decisions and tells you they're right, he says you're pathetic and horrible (which you ARE NOT), and all the rest. You only have to read what you've written to see that it's a nightmare. And he won't change, because he's controlling. A man like that doesn't change. He promised, and failed, and promised and failed. I think you need to leave him and cut contact entirely. It wont be easy, but there's a world you haven't seen out there. Go see it instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): bless you, Caring Guy, and anyone else, original poster here. No, we got divorced when we first split up and I refused to take any money from him then. Think that's part of the problem. But at least you have allowed me to imagine the idea of having a break and enough money to move on. Well, sort of. It keep slipping away. Not just because I don't have it, but because I don't want to leave him. I just feel so lost at the thought. Anyway, thanks for the generous advice, I will keep trying. But is there no way I can sort this out with him?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 December 2009):
This man is a controlling nightmare. You're married, so you can divorce and he has to pay for you. Go to a solicitor, see what you can get and get away, go abroad and have a wonderful holiday and live. Don't stay with this guy. He may not be evil, but he's not a nice guy, is he. If he loved you that much, he would let you express yourself, not control you.
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