A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I need as many people's advice on this as possible, I'm driving myself mad!!!I started seeing my boyfriend, "Andy" before I split with my last boyfriend, "Danny". We didn't have sex, we just kissed and once, did some more stuff. I was so crazy about him, I just talked about him all the time and wondered whether I should leave Danny for him. However, I was scared he didn't want to be my boyfriend, as he was often a bit of an idiot with me. Plus, I'd been with "Danny" so long, I was scared of the big change.Anyway, I decided to go ahead with it and got with "Andy". Everything was great and we both thought we'd made the right decision. However, at Christmas, things changed. There was a girl in the pub that he said 'hi' to and I asked who she was and he told me he'd slept with her in the summer just gone. I asked him if it was while we'd been seeing each other and he later admitted it was.I was devastated. I thought he cared about me then and it made me question our whole relationship. If he'd have told me how he felt then, I'd have left "Danny" in a moment but he didn't. I never even saw "Danny" for the last couple of months of the relationship (i.e. while I was seeing "Andy") and he just went out and slept with someone because he felt like it! Everyone says I'm being crazy because I was still with "Danny", but that doesn't matter to me, I cared for "Andy" so much and he said he did for me too!I know it's been a while since I found out but it still bothers me and we haven't been the same since then. He said he was trying to not fall for me because I was too young for him (he was 26 and I was 18 at the time) and he said he's only ever had problems with younger girls. Now he says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and wants to marry me one day. He really is a wonderful person and a great boyfriend. However, I don't know whether I can get over his past, especially what he did while he was seeing me. It kills me every time I see her and I go mad at him. I've even started to get counselling to try and sort myself out. Should I carry on going through this or get rid and move on? It just seems such a waste of something good over some drunken mistake but will I ever be able to move on and truly love him? Thanks
View related questions:
christmas, drunk, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 I see the situations differently from you. As I read it, you were with Danny and secretly seeing Andy (kissing and doing "other stuff", whatever that means) behind Danny's back, even though you weren't a couple with Andy.
Then you dumped Danny to be with Andy, even though you weren't sure of his level of commitment.
Meanwhile Andy, not sure where, if anywhere, the two of you were going, exercised his options and slept with someone else.
So what I see is that neither you nor Andy was committed to a relationship at the time he slept with another girl, and since you were cheating (emotionally, if not physically) on Danny, I just don't see that you have a moral leg to stand on. It's as if you have one standard for Andy and one for yourself and really, it's not on.
Although you haven't asked, I think you're too emotionally immature to be having a serious relationship, and you definitely should not be talking marriage with anyone. Something that you appear yet to have learned is how to live by yourself and not be part of a couple. That's a crucial Life Skill, and you need to develop that before you lock yourself into a long-term relationship with anyone.
So take things slowly, don't get too serious with anyone, and be sure that you're not the "pot calling the kettle black" when you accuse Andy of playing around.
A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (3 July 2006):
This is a very tough one. You will be able to forgive and move on someday however, he is going to have to do something so outstanding to earn your total love and trust again.
Let me put it this way: At this point, he has deposited more negative feelings in your heart than he has deposited positive feelings. The only way that you are going to be able to move on, let go of the past and be happy with him again is if he were to make a lot of positive deposits over the next months.
Now this is the key: Unless he actually makes all these positive deposits in your heart, enough to make you forget his negative deposits, you will never be able to look past his negative deposits (the betrayal).
Here is what I would recommend.
1. Definitely do not get married or even talk about marriage at this point.
2. Let him know upfront about your struggle and make it clear that you are having doubts about this relationship.
3. Take your time observing the relationship while you give him enough time to make it up to you (if he is willing to).
4. If a year from today you are still not happy then you can move on and leave him then. However, if you leave him today you may spend the rest of your life wondering if you made a big mistake by leaving him so soon (now that he is so nice and sweet and regretful).
Bottom line, just check him out and give him a chance to make you forget the ugly past. If he fails to do it in a year’s time, then I would say that you are really not missing anything by leaving him.
Good luck,
...............................
|
