A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. Since about October last year, I feel like he's not been as soppy and stuff and it makes me feel as if he's losing interest. I told him how I felt, he made a valid point by saying that I should know how he feels about me and that he doesn't need to tell me.Just until recently, he's started chatting to this sixteen year old girl (he'll be nineteen in February) like all the time. He'll be over mine and they're texting loads. My boyfriend is mad about drumming and this girl he talks to is a drummer as well. She also claims to be gay but just had a boyfriend recently (I think she broke up with him)He's meeting up with this girl next Saturday to help her practise drumming technique and tricks for this competition. My boyfriend has told me that it's only for drumming and thought he should reassure me that she likes girls and stuff. Which I suppose is good of him. I'm trying to not let it bother me, y'know I'm not one of those girls who says you can't talk to certain people, because that's controlling and wrong. It's mainly just the fact they're talking all the time and my boyfriend just seems overall distracted and it's annoying me. It just makes me feel like I'm just there, I just exist to him and that I'm no longer anybody special. I'm not clingy with him anymore because it feels like I have to force it out of him and that really makes me angry. I have been 100% persistent since the day he asked me out last year and the feeling of getting things half-arsed back is not fair to me at all. I don't want to end it with him, but I think maybe scaring him that I won't be around anymore might make him realise that I won't be taken for granted. I'm really stuck. I love him more than I can put into words and I don't want things to become pear shaped for us. Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've taken into account that I can't have his attention all the time, which is totally fine. I don't want him to prove how he feels about me, I don't prod him with a stick until he says something remotely nice about me. It's more the fact that he used to says nice things and cuddle me off his own back and that's what made me feel good. I understand it has been a year now, so things are likely to calm down a bit, we're used to each other being there. I guess that kind of justifies why he's not as affectionate as he used to be.I know my boyfriend has reassured me more than once that meeting up with this girl is purely for drumming and technique and I do trust him. It was just the texting thing mainly that made me feel a little alienated. We don't have to text all the time, I know that, but it's just all the time, even when he's at my house. I know who he's talking to. I don't think he tries to hide it or anything, so at the end of the day, I don't have a reason for being immature. I thought it was because I loved him and so nobody else would try anything on with him, but I realised it's just me being protective and not trusting my boyfriend, when I really should. Yeah, I admit, I'm insecure, and I shouldn't expect my boyfriend to be there hand and foot at my command whenever I'm down. It was just the thought of losing him that made me get like this. The fact he could fall for this drummer girl that made me get all defensive. I'm just going to have to be patient and trust him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): You are distorting the issue; because you are jealous that another female has something in-common with your boyfriend.
All this stuff about him neglecting you, and not showing enthusiasm over your relationship is complete bunk. You are not being totally honest about being controlling or choosing his friends, and who he talks to.
Then why did you write this post? He doesn't make you feel special? You mean he doesn't cater to your insecurity and make a total fuss over you. My dear, you are being unfair.
You wrote your post, because you can't figure out a way to totally dominate all his attention 24/7.
You want to always be the center of attention; and he has to turn cartwheels and back-flips to prove he loves you. You say you're 100% persistent? That's what you say. We would have to ask his opinion about that to be sure, wouldn't we?
He is only devoting his time to something he likes to do.
He has told you it is all about the music. The girl had a boyfriend? So what? It doesn't mean she is attracted to your boyfriend. Nor does it mean he is attracted to her.
In your mind, you want to make something bad of it, to justify being jealous over him giving someone else attention.
She is gay. So that means she is attracted to other girls.
Not boys. Even if she had a boyfriend, you only know what you've seen and heard. You have no idea of what their relationship was truly like, or what it was about.
If you make an unnecessary fuss and become spoiled and childish; he may leave you. Not for her, but because you are being possessive and bratty.
He is just giving her lessons. Appreciate the time you spend together.
If you threaten him like you say, he may take you up on it. You can only "cry wolf" once! You can't blackmail him every-time you have a tizzy-fit like a little girl.
Most teen-relationships only last a few weeks or months anyway. They aren't supposed to be too intense; and you're supposed to have fun.
You're not being very mature about the situation. You can't; because you are only 16; no matter how grown up you think you are. I don't think as long as he is giving her drumming lessons you are going to feel "special." Only jealous. That's the real problem here.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 So this is about this other girl, right? Before she was in the picture, were you feeling the whole distracted making you feel special thing?
If this guy and this girl don't have a past sexual or romantic history together, it's quite possible that all this is is about drumming. I say just chill until after the competition, and then see what happens. It may very well be that it really *is* all about drumming. Are you a musician as well? If you are, you could help. If not, where are they practicing, her place or his?? If it's his place, and it's about drumming, why not join 'em?
Musicians are a funny breed, and I am one! It's easy for a non-musician partner to misinterpret the giddy excitement of music alchemy to be that they're "into" each other and get jealous. When my husband and I were dating, he was convinced that I was flirting with another keyboardist I was teaching techniques to (I was the band leader). He got really pissed when he saw me smiling after the guy had gotten a hard technique down. When I found out how upset he was, my first reaction was shock - surely he couldn't possibly think that the guy was my type, and even if he was, I wasn't interested in anything other than the music!
I learned to be a bit more self-aware, and my boyfriend calmed down a bit, especially when I pointed out that he was having lunch with plenty of other women while discussing business.
To the soppy part of relationships overall, you know that naturally there is an ebb and flow of how they happen. While your boyfriend DOES have a point about you knowing how he feels about you, he shouldn't fall into the mistake of taking you for granted.
Never pull affection out of a guy. Everything should be genuine. If you feel you being the pursuer, then back off. Go out with your friends. Go dancing at the club. Go pursue a passion of your own. You're in high school? Are you in any activities? Make your boyfriend part of a rich and full life instead of your everything.
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