A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupids! I'm looking for some advice please. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and we've been having a few issues with the fact we barely see each other. It's a maximum of twice a week and only ever for an hour or two at a time. I've tried telling him numerous times that I feel as though our relationship has reached a stage where we are not moving forward but he says he can't help his working hours (he works for himself and will take any hours he can get which means he works up to 10pm most nights). I do understand that he needs to make money, but I feel I am expected to fit in with his schedule all the time and it's starting to cause a lot of resentment.I feel that after 4 years we should have already established a sort of schedule of when we see each other instead of me having to wait until the day to find out if he has time to see me that night or not. I've started to get sick of it and have been making my own plans without considering his (like he has done right from the start) and he is now getting mad at me. I know he's got used to me being flexible and fitting in with whatever night he's not working or seeing his friends, but I'm starting to get really annoyed with this and I don't think I should always be the one rearranging my schedule to suit him? It's seems all take and no give from his side.He thinks I'm being unreasonable and petty, whereas I've just got sick of sitting waiting for him to tell me which 2 hour slot I can have in his week.I'm sorry for rambling here but I'm just so confused. I love him but I feel as though this relationship is not progressing at all and I don't know if I'm wasting my time or not?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I don't think you are rambling. You describe a very specific problem and you describe it well, after having been in this situation all too many times. Your post, in my eyes, shows a woman who is fed up, determined, and who knows exactly what is wrong, and who knows that this just isn't good enough. You have made up your mind.
So when you ask at the end, that you don't know if you are wasting your time or not, I think this question is not necessary. You already know if this is how you want to spend your life. You already know that he wont change. In four years, this is how things are, and they will be like this for the next four years too. You're not happy, and from my point of view this isn't about wasting time or not wasting time. The question is much simpler:
Are you happy?
When answering this question you will know what to do. But, sound to me, you already do know the answer. You just want someone to back you up, because you need to make sure you're not making the wrong choice. As the saying goes, it is hard to see the forest when all the trees are in the way. You've been here for four years, you don't know if you can trust your gut feeling about this or not, because part of you have gotten so used to it.
So, to help you see the forest clearly, I will tell you that if I were in your shoes, I would be miserable too.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I think you should tell him what's really wrong with the relationship and not focus on time spent and schedules and all that. He thinks you're being petty because you're deflecting the real issue onto the symptoms of the issue. Trying to teach him a lesson by not being around may get the message across, but not the real message.
The real issue is that you're feeling like he's not really into you, which you might have to face is true. He's working, gives you a tiny bit of time, doesn't communicate with you unless he feels like it, and face it - people at around the 4 year mark are usually either married or living together by that time. You're feeling like time's running out to have a family because of your age bracket. You know what? You're RIGHT...you're at the moment of truth.
You're dancing around the fact that if you pin him down, he might bolt. So why waste your time? It's time to face it. Don't waste time with talking about schedules. Tell him you envisioned your life as meeting someone, falling in love, getting married and having a family, not clocking in time blocks until the guy you're with gets bored.
I don't think he's really into you. He works for himself, so he has control over when he sees you. If he had a shift until 10pm working for someone else, that's understandable, but if he works for himself, he is in control and chooses when to work. I know because I live that life as well. It's easy when you own a business to get sucked in and work 80+ hours a week, but it's almost just as easy hiring someone to help with day to day issues as well. Owning your own business means owning your own life.
Speaking of owning your own life, you need to make a true decision for yourself. It may be that he just didn't realize that his hours and his lifestyle make your relationship untenable and he'll make changes, but you have to face that his plans in life don't include you in them when he gets more successful. If you want a family, a marriage, and life with a partner, he may not be it.
You can't give him an ultimatum because you don't want someone who is with you because his arm is twisted. All you can do is tell him you wish him well, but you want more. You want to be the reason someone smiles. You want to be loved with as much ambition, drive, and passion as he has with his job or business. You want to get to work building a life together instead of watch on the sidelines as he builds his own life and pencils you in.
I won't lie. You might lose him. You'll most likely lose him. But you already know it's time to face it and hope that he only took you for granted and really wants you instead of just seeing you as "miss right now". Good luck, but you need to talk to him about the issue and not the symptoms of the real issue.
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