A
male
age
41-50,
*nm813
writes:I love my girlfriend deeply, but don't think I am in love with her anymore or if I ever truly was. I don't know what to do.I have cried every night since last Friday(I never cry) and slept in until 6pm every day too. She is such a great person; we never fight but yet I can remember thinking back to last March and thinking about how there wasn't a spark there, that I felt not "in love". I kept on going, hoping that spark would come. It hasn't- and a lot of stressful things have piled up somewhat. Her wanting to move in, my school getting harder, etc. I havent been out with any of my friends in about a year- and no that isn't her fault, I've been caught up in school and work.She is an awesome person. I wish to God I could have fallen deeply in love with her- but its just not there. She is physically attractive, she is goofy, funny, and has the best heart ever. I don't want to lose her- its like she is all I have left in life anymore. Yet something is missing when we are together in person- chemistry, love, something.It is making me feel horrible; she is an awesome person who has overcome so much in her past- she has a wonderful heart, good personality, great moral code (ie loyalty and honesty) and is physically attractive. She deserves the best and has been there for me 100% yet a wall is up and I wonder if I ever was in love. I dont get me. I wonder if its just the whole never been in love with her thing or if I have some sort of connection issues.I've never felt like this before- a cauldron of guilt, fear, depression, missing her already, yet knowing she isnt the one for me. I want the world for her, yet I can't give it to her. I feel horrible, is that normal to feel horrible when you totally love someone and don't want to lose them yet aren't in love with them?I love her so much; I wish to God I was IN love with her. I guess I'll have to bite the bullet, not literally of course, and try to rebuild if I can. I feel horrible and I feel broken.Is there anyway to salvage this? Or should I break it off for her sake and mine and try to salvage a great friendship? She has been one of the best people I have ever met and this is tearing me apart...D
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female
reader, nadine85 +, writes (22 March 2010):
I am going through the same problem right now. I feel about my boyfriend the same as you felt about your girlfriend. He is just so wonderful I am afraid to let him go because I feel I will never find anyone with such a golden heart but at the same time I never felt the spark with him. I was just wondering since it's been about one and a half years since your question and comments if you could tell me what you ended up doing with the situation and are you happy? I also wonder if the person who answered anonymously is still happy with her decision to break it off? I registered to dearcupid just so I could hear your stories. I hope you will let me know because I am so confused right now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): I completely understand what you are going through. I am a girl and I went though a situation EXACTLY like this a while back. Everything that you just said about your girl, was said about me by my ex. He told me that I was all of these things that you are saying about her (i'm smart, beautiful, sweet, etc.) but that he felt no spark. I never felt the spark between us either. We absolutely adored each other and I felt a deep love for him. However, there was NO chemistry. I would kiss him and want to pull away at times (even though I thought he was attractive). I loved him (but like you said, I was not IN love with him). We looked like the perfect couple, and by some standards, we were. He treated me like a princess and I treated him like a prince. Like your situation, we NEVER fought. The fact that we never fought kinda goes back to the spark thing- there was no passion there, and I don't fight with people who's feelings I don't feel passionate about. It's SOOOO hard to comprehend once you realize that you are with the wrong person though. For me, it was a fear that I would never again find a guy as great as him, which is what kept me around. Over time though, I have healed and learned from it and come to accept the fact that I will find the right guy that has all of the qualities my ex had, but with the spark. The spark HAS to be there (says all of my wise friends and my mom). It was a sad breakup and it kind of felt like somebody close to me died, because we couldn't be friends afterward. I also cried so hard, like the tears were coming from a place I didn't know they could come from. The day we broke up, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Looking back though, I wouldn't change a thing. It's gonna be really hard for a while after you end it (if thats what you do), but better now than twenty years from now after you've wasted each others time. If you don't feel it now, I believe you will never feel it. Like you, I kept waiting and waiting for the spark to come; I kept waiting for some defining moment between us that would give us both that "a-ha" moment. I probably would still be waiting to this day though had it not ended. I got to share a part of my life with an amazing person that will always be CLOSE to my heart, but I will get to share the rest of my life eventually with the person that is IN my heart. He is currently with somebody else and surprisingly, I am very happy for them and haven't felt the slightest tinge of jealousy (honestly). He gives me hope that guys like him DO exist and that I will meet another, but with the chemistry that makes things work. Sorry to go off on a tangent but I feel very strongly about this and I hope this helps. Good luck with everything!
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/  +, writes (5 November 2008):
 Awww huni :( here is a situation im scared of... see atm i feel like im the great girl and your my fella because this is exactly the situation im in yet reversed. My fella is my best friend and ive known from day one he dint feel the spark, we talked openly about it tho so i suppose this is the difference, i would hate for him to feel the way you do! I would rather have him in my life as my best and most trusted friend than stay together with him feeling so low and confused. Im not really sure im helping you much, but my advice would be to just be honest with her about how you feel, that way you can both decide whats best, you clearly love her greatly, she is ideal as your life partner, but i think the problem is that maybe your not ready for that lifetime commitment yet? See when me and my guy decided t get together its because were ready t settle down, we want a stable relationship, you kno the full hog. Ok the spark isnt quite there, but id rather be with someone who i kno is commited and loyal than a turbulent relationship where ill end up getting hurt. Anyways, im sorry i couldnt really help more. Hope everything works out for you babe! xx
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (5 November 2008):
 Hello my dear,
You have a few things to think about. If she is so wonderful then you may want to hold onto her. Sometimes love takes a while to cultivate - sometimes longer than usual. What you have with her is a great base for a life long relationship. You seem to truly love all these things about her, but are just missing a spark. You may really miss her if you break up with her and regret letting go of such a prize.
However, I've gone through this too, and I think you'll find the story very relevant. I was with a absolutely AMAZING fella, but we had absolutely no chemistry. Love the friendship, just WASN'T INTO the relationship. I broke up with him... I decided that I'm a great girl and he's a great guy - we're just not each others great girl and great guy. I figured that he would make someone even happier than he made me.
If you think she can make someone else much happier than she makes you, maybe it's time to break it off. If you are missing that spark, but feel joy being around her and warmth because of it - hold on. That spark might show up.
Good luck!
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