A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is sort of an ethical dilemma. I volunteered at a transitional home for women most of whom were recovering drug addicts who had child service cases. One lady there, who I will call Shelly, opened up about her story and how she grew up in a wonderful loving family and went to church but experimented with drugs and alcohol. I can't give the whole story but she became addicted and turn to prostitution to support her habit. I could empathize with feelings of worthlessness and shame even though I cannot wrap my head around why anybody would ever do drugs or drink enough alcohol to get drunk in the first place. it was easier for me to understand how girls who were raised in families like that would end up experimenting, but not a girl who was taught from day one that there's things were wrong.I of course did not change her myself but I ask some questions about the church she went to and when it became clear that her church was like mine, I wanted to see if she could speak to the youth about where drugs can take you. in fact, I was familiar with the church she came from and the town she came from as I have relatives there.when she turned to drugs and alcohol, she did this in the college town she moved to and her parents were so angry with her and embarrassed that they told her no one at her home town needed to know about what she had really been up to. she had some guilt and shame about lying, but she wanted to show her family respect and she knew this would really hurt her sisters who were still in high school. her parents both hold respected positions in the church and they did not want to look bad. that dilemma was hard enough for her.she then mentioned a boyfriend who had proposed marriage to her during the two years she live with her parents and has been sober. she moved away again, told her parents and her boyfriend she had to think about things when really she wanted her freedom back as they held her under lock and key understandably. She went back to drugs and has been hiding out so to speak in this town and passes messages through her parent to her boyfriend. right now, she looks good and one would never know about her past. her boyfriend does not know, and he grew up with her.her boyfriend happens to be my cousin. he made some mentions about her on Facebook, talking about a long distance relationship and asking for prayers that she makes the decision to come back. I had no idea who he was talking about until recently. my aunt and uncle think the world of her and they think that she just got nervous and if they had any idea that she is doing anything they would disapprove of, they have not said thatI do know that my cousin is very much against drugs, alcohol, premarital sex, and things like that. my aunt and uncle are wonderful people but they are judgemental of people who listen to worldly music and do not adhere to biblical principles. if they knew about her past, it would be an absolute deal breaker. Shelly is not planning to be honest with them she is going along with her parents' lies. she justifies this by saying that she has been tested and her police record is only in this county. she has also disclosed that she had an abortion and her parents do not know.obviously, I am expected to keep this all confidential and she does not know but I know who she is talking about. I do feel it is unethical for her to lie to him and that he needs to know. I realize this may hurt her family, but I also think that consequence should be hers so that she can see how her behaviours affect others. all I could really do was keep encouraging her to open up and be honest, at least tell the guy the truth about her situation and allow him to decide who else to tell.is there some way to drop enough hints to my cousin or my aunt and uncle for them to ask the right questions and find out what is really going on? I would never say something if I am NOT supposed to, and there's no way I could without her knowing someone at the house that it and I am afraid she will know it was me. but if it came out later, then I would be in big trouble with my family for not warning himI have thought about telling him or at least suggesting to some family members somewhere he would be sure to read it, that no matter how much you trust somebody they need to look them up to see if they have a police record. since she does have a record for possession and indecent exposure, that should raise enough questions that she would have to tell him.is there some way for him to find out without me breaking confidentiality? I am a little biased because he is a relative, but the fact that she wants to start a relationship on a lie bothers me more than anything. Especially if this is something that could affect him.
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abortion, cousin, drugs, drunk, facebook, her past, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 "I do feel it is unethical for her to lie to him and that he needs to know. "
But you're not God. It is not your job to judge someone, or decide their fate. Trying to intervene when it is not your place will not get you anywhere good, and it will put you in a bad place. You will not be able to work in any place where confidentiality is needed, ever again. People will not trust you. And people will not be grateful if you speak when it's not your place. This is gossiping and spreading rumors, people do not respect that. You will lose grace. It is not your place, so I strongly urge you to mind your place and mind your work and why you do the work you do. Not to out people and cause drama and hurt and pain, but to HELP. So do what you're there to do.
What you should have done, as soon as you realized her boyfriend was your cousin, was to tell your superiors and not work with her again, as you are indeed biased and unable to help her. What you're thinking of doing is ruining her and bringing her down even further. How could she ever open up to someone else again and share her story if she's experienced how someone, supposedly bound by confidentiality, is so small minded they use this information against her. It's utterly cruel.
Only God judges and decided over peoples fate. Trying to intervene and play God will not be good for you or anyone else involved. I must stress the importance of you keeping your confidentiality.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): You can't expose her. You just can't. It's wrong. It's not your place. Please don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): You can't expose her. You just can't. It's wrong. It's not your place. Please don't.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 January 2016):
 If you are bound to confidentiality, you are bound to confidentialy in any case ( unless if given by your higher- ups explicit permission to disclose informations, and also told which specific informations can be given to whom ). In ANY case. No provisos like " I'll keep it confidential only if it does not affect my cousin or my aunt or my best friend ". That would be equivalent to say " I can keep things confidential until that suits me and does not cause me any inconvenience ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): My answer is going to be slightly different than others here. The choice you make depends less on ethics here and more on personal loyalty. Strictly speaking, ethically, you have no obligation to Shelly.She confided in you but you are not her shrink or counselor. She has trusted you,certainly but you've not taken any oath of confidentiality, unless that's a requirement for your volunteer activities.Morally, it's a different question. It's up to what you value more. Loyalty to Shelly or your cousin/family. It's also quite possible if you tell your cousin, you may become the villain to both Shelly and him. It's not an easy choice at all. You know your cousin better than any of us; if Shelly's past has anything which is considered a deal-breaker to him, he will need to know. If he realizes you knew and did not tell him, it may feel like a betrayal.I agree with one poster who said to tell Shelly that your cousin is the boyfriend and urge her to come clean. That way she knows that her secret isn't guaranteed to be under wraps and she may ultimately decide that her telling your cousin has a better outcome for them both, rather than take the chance that you may tell him. This is also the least cruel path. You will prove to be kind and compassionate to both people involved her, as well has loyal.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 I don't think it is wise for you to volunteer yourself any longer to work with these women. These women need an understanding ear and help, they don't need someone who is narrow minded and judgmental.
This is not your story to tell, and it is not your place to tell your cousin anything. In fact it is none of your business at all. You cannot break confidentiality like that, you cannot go on to ruin someones life. If she doesn't want to share her past with people well then that is her choice, not yours. You say well if you tell your cousin then it would be up to him who he wants to tell? Really? This woman trusted you. She is there to get help, her past is her business and nobody elses. Everybody makes mistakes in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): Hi
It is a serious breach of confidentiality and could have very bad repercussions for all concerned if you tell. She may never ever trust somebody again in her life, especially the ones who are supposed to be helping her. You are the keeper of her soul secrets at the moment and it is not the right thing to do.
As much as I detest deceit...It is not your truth to tell, it is her's.
Let her know he is your family and that she has to come clean with him, this knowledge may be the catalyst she needs for a clean slate. Never break someone's trust and this should be REFLECTED back to her regarding breaking his trust...she should give the same respect to him because of how you treated her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): OP here:It never would have occurred to me to break confidentiality until I found out that one of those situations could very well effect somebody I was close to.Yes, I know that even people from the best family can experiment with anything as soon as they leave their parents home. This is one of many reasons why we really promote very close-knit families and why it is not common to simply move away from home to find yourself. I do not attend my cousin's specific church, but it is the same type of church and we hear every week about people who go into the world as adults and the world bites them. I always took this as a warning for children to continue on the path they were raised with provided it was a good one. Nearly every week, we also here that anybody can do a complete 180 and do wonderful works for God. Paul is one of our commonly used examples. I did speak to one of the women from my church and hold her that I knew one of the people who could be affected for life by one of the ladies there. Of course, she wanted to know who this lady was. I told the House Manager - but I ask how much detail I had to give because my point is not to ruin her life. The how manager ask me as many other women could potentially be affecting someone's life by not coming clean and I told her yes and that is what bothers me. It is less the past actions, and more the dishonesty.the house manager told me that sometimes they run into that too. She told me that once, a woman's child had been born with a contractible disease and that this child had many behavior issues and disabilities and tended to lash out by biting and scratching. It would have been unethical to tell anybody about this child's medical history even though his behavior was putting those he attacked at risk. She told me a teacher at that child school therefore treated every child as if they had the same condition. She told me that her job, she had been spat on many times and had to treat each situation as if the person who did ithad a disease without saying whether they did or not. She then suggested that if I ever plan to marry, it would be wise for me or anybody to get tested and to check into that person's past. It never occurred to me but a person would lie about that if they truly love the person they wanted to marry. I never thought about what would happen if a person were born with something and did not want to tell somebody but they had to explain why they had no interest to get married. "When would you tell?" is another at the club problem.Yes. Shelly meant she had been tested for diseases and if there was no physical risk. Up until I knew who she or anyone else could be affecting, we only hurts time to be honest with anybody they would marry. Now I guess I'm concerned about anyone's past especially if they go practically "no contact" for a while or seem particularly close-liped about their past.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 January 2016):
That poor lady. She's working hard to turn her life around and you, someone she is supposed to be able to trust, are considering exposing and humiliating her.
No. You should not do this. Also,I think you have no business working with recovering addicts as you lack empathy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2016):
 You can't tell him, because it's NOT your story or info to tell. And it's UTTERLY unethical for you to even consider telling.
I DO understand your dilemma, you want your cousin to be happy and to not be "saddled" with a person who has lied to him.
First of all, are you sure he knows nothing? Or is that the front he shows the family and friend because of the church?
And secondly... as a Christian doesn't Luke 6:37 give you pause?
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. "
It's NOT for you to judge her, nor is it for you to forgive her.
My advice would be that IF you talk to her again, you suggest she is honest and open with the man she claims to love.
And maybe... it's not the right place for you to volunteer either. It doesn't matter whether you would ever touch drugs or not, but these women infinitely need support, caring, uplifting - not judgement and without doubt the uncertainly of TOTAL confidentiality.
TALK to the lady who runs the shelter then your pastor.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): No! You do not. I can't believe that you are even thinking of trying to ruin this woman's life like that. It's her place to tell them when she is ready and if they are good christians they will be able to forgive.
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