A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I live in a block of eight flats. It's a period (Victorian) building, converted into separate dwellings. Surrounding this (kind of in a circle) are five houses. In the middle, is a communal garden.The two flats on the ground floor all have their own, small, private gardens and they can also use the communal garden if they want to - they have little gates on their back fences to let them in. The houses also have small, private gardens and they have gates to allow them access through the communal garden, but they cannot use the communal garden. The remaining six flats (of which I am one) have no private garden, but they have an equal right to use the communal garden.Those of us with rights to use the garden pay service charges but this does NOT include a gardener.I have lived here for two years after a break up. I absolutely adore gardening and I am really good at it. I've been gardening since I was a kid. I haven't used the communal garden because I'm in a top floor flat and I feel incredibly self conscious going into the communal garden - it is very overlooked and one of the ground floor flat's owners is very territorial about the garden; this came up by chance when I bumped into her and we were chatting (before I realised how territorial she is) and I stated how much I loved gardening but the last thing I wanted to do was 'step on anyone's toes' and I felt very overlooked going into the garden. I could tell by her response that she thought I was nice but she really didn't want anyone else using the communal garden. I really feel that she wishes the communal garden was just hers as well as her private garden.I've found it so very difficult to live without a garden. I've been weighing up whether to just move home again and try to get a garden flat ( they are increasingly hard to come by in the city where I live) or whether to stay and try to either live without a garden or to pluck up my courage and get involved in the communal garden. Today I finally plucked up my courage and went into the garden, which is very neglected - except that the 'territorial' ground floor flat people do mow the (quite small) lawn in the middle. I looked at all the overgrown shrubbery and I know all their names and whether they are shady plants or climbers or sun-loving plants. I realised the only way to make the garden look any nicer at all was to start with the hard work of weeding and pruning away dead branches. I did this for 3 - 4 hours, amassing 17 bin bags of weeds and dead shrubbery. I stacked the bin bags neatly along one side of the garden where I had cleared an overgrown flower bed, intending to come back and remove them later this afternoon. During this process, one of the owners of the houses came out and we chatted really nicely for about 30 minutes and I stated how afraid I was of using the garden and she (who is a lawyer) stated that I had every right to and people should be thankful; I had explained I was just clearing weeds at that stage.Meanwhile an old friend called over to see me and he was so pleased I'd finally gone into the garden because he knows how much I love and miss gardening. I asked him to go with me into the garden to help me to move the black bin sacks full of weeds etc. As we went down the steps to the garden, the 'territorial' woman was standing in her own private garden. There is just a small, low fence separating the private and communal gardens so I said "hello' very friendly to her and said I'd been gardening and explained I'd had to temporarily move some dead tree branches to one side because someone had left them there years ago and I needed to move them to remove weeds. She immediately looked very sternly at me and said "We don't leave rubbish in the garden because we have to look at it". Her whole manner was incredibly imperious, as if I was a servant doing my job wrong. I said, "I'm not leaving rubbish, it was there anyway, I moved it to clear the weeds, I had not choice. I've also collected all these bags of rubbish and I'm moving them now". Instead of showing even an ounce of gratitude, she still kept talking down to me about how she'd just come back from holiday and didn't want to look at bin bags of rubbish in the garden. I stared really straight / blank at her and said "it has taken me hours of work to clear this rubbish'. She totally missed my point and still kept behaving as if the garden was hers and as if she was entitled to set the rules for it. At this point I picked up two sacks of weeds and walked away. My friend, who I can tell was really upset on my behalf, kept stating to her that it was a communal space and I had spent hours working on it. I was so upset I couldn't go back into the garden again. He came out eventually and said he felt she'd been incredibly rude and entitled and had absolutely no right to talk to me like that.I felt so deflated and upset that I burst into tears. Do you think I should even bother with this communal garden or just move home and let the 'territorial' woman sort our the weeds herself? She makes a huge deal about how she has a young child - but she runs a very profitable business from home and has a very well paid husband and a nanny to look after her kid. I am just on my own, so I think she may feel she can bully me. I do tend to attract bullies, it's an ongoing problem of mine.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 Good for you OP!
I'm glad you didn't back away or run and go hide.
LIVE your life! Enjoy life. Enjoy gardening!
And sometimes calling a person out in a "fairly" polite way - like I suggested - it can actually help. Sure, she might not like it and tough cookies. She might also get a little food for thought. Maybe she doesn't realize that she was being rude or came off as rude.
So yeah, don't stop doing things you enjoy because someone tells you "you can't do that".... If you are not hurting anyone. And you ARE NOT hurting anyone, not even her, by gardening.
Life is too short to let others boss you around. She isn't the boss of YOU. Right?
Enjoy it!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): It is great to have your update and to see you have taken points on board, of course you shouldn't move, you will always come across people like this, you just have to learn to deal with them and in an assertive way, which you are now doing.
I hope it all works out well for you and you know what, maybe other people were intimidated by her and didn't use the communal garden as much as they wanted to, maybe you have got the ball rolling for others to use it too.
Gardens are not just for families, get out there, take a deck chair and read a good book or the gardening if that is all okayed by everyone, well done you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): Hi All, this is the original poster here.Thank you so much for all the responses, they have all really helped in different but connected ways.AuntyBimBim, you were right to point out that "after the first half dozen or so forays into the garden it will get easier" and to "gird your loins" - this tells me you understand exactly how I feel, and I have honestly kept your advice in mind when going into the garden again - this has been really nerve-wracking to do, even just to go and pick up the bin bags !Honeypie, I also loved your idea of saying "gosh you are a rude sort of person aren't you?" - I mean she IS, and you are right, I don't owe her any explanation at all.A female anonymous - you are also right that I (without realising) felt that she was superior to me because she is married with a child and I am just me, alone. It really helped me to remember what you said, when I went into the garden again.A male reader N91, you are also absolutely right that the world is full of rude people and I can't just shut down and walk away each time.To the other 'Female Anonymous' thank you so much for your forthright response. I don't think I will ever say to her "Fuck off you miserable cow" but I laughed when I read this and I am laughing again as I type this now - your whole attitude really helped me.CindyCares - yes, absolutely, I totally see where you are coming from. It is an unusual situation I have, here, with different people seemingly having different rights over the garden and some (from what I can make out) are actually overstepping their rights eg. there is a family who I think only have access through the garden but who have effectively extended their own private garden to almost totally dominate one end of the communal garden, which now has no lawn left due to their kids running all over it. I don't have access to the legal documents of the other houses, so I do not know exactly what rights they do and do not have, but I do take your point and I agree with you entirely.To the further 'Female Anonymous' - thank you, yes, I do understand about the "fire with fire" approach. I will just have to practice that in my own mind first, I think.Anyway - a quick update - I did go back into the garden after receiving all of this support. I met some further neighbours who were a really lovely older couple who are renting one of the houses temporarily. They came out and seemed a bit suspicious at first, but I just explained what I was doing and it was all fine. I did tell them I feel self conscious going into the garden as it is such a strange set-up out there, and they were really nice about it.I also emailed everyone in the block and told them I am a really experienced gardener and I am carrying out weeding and pruning at this stage and that I am open to discussing the garden if anyone wants to.Now, I just have to keep bracing myself to go out there until it feels less intimidating...the thing that helps is that as soon as I start engaging with the plants I kind of forget everything else...and that is what I love about gardening. I keep thinking "the plants need me" (!) I have already connected with the plants and I am enjoying my relationship with them - this is more important to me than my bullying neighbour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): It's been my experience that the only thing that shuts a bully down is fire with fire.
They don't respond to anything else and if a drastic tactic is not taken, they will resort back to bullying. It will never stop. Catching them off guard and being brutally blunt is going to cause them to back off because deep down bully's are cowards themselves.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 While of course in general I second the other posters' advice to stand up to bullies, ignore attemps of intimidation, and do in the communal garden what you want when you want as long as you are within your rights , I, for having lived in a similar situation ( listed building with gated interior garden with different degrees of access and use ) would invite you to check well the fine print and verify with the landlord or the building's agent or the tennants' board or whatever is the actual person/ organization who is owning/ managing the garden, to find out exactly what this "use of the communal garden" entails or excludes.
While right of access and right of passage are sort of self explanatory, " use " might be much more nuanced. Like, I and few other tennants had the key of the garden and permission to use it , - within a set of rules, like: no parties, or no bringing in bikes . As for mantaining / changing / planting flowers and shrubbery, we could do that ( or have it done by a professional ) , as long as the property was informed and all the residents agreed. It might seem fussy or strict, but I think it makes perfect sense. Say, I want red roses and I go plant a rosebush. Then my neighbour comes and says " I'll do a tulip bed instead ". Then another tennant wants a giant cactus, or a topiary in form of a swan etc. etc. Pretty soon, rather than an enchanting typical Italian garden- or English garden , or Japanese garden, whatever- you'll just have a tasteless mess.
Same would apply for the plastic bin bags , I guess. I get it that you did a great job and that if you clear tons of weeds and debris, you HAVE to put them somewhere, but then you'd better have called a friend to help you dispose of them right away, as the work went along, OR informed the other tennant(s) : " Sorry people, for a few hours we'll have big ugly plastic bags in plain sight in the garden , thanks you for your patience and cooperation". You see, yes, you have bought the right to enjoy the garden- but your enjoyment cannot infringe or decrease other's people enjoyment.
Now, don't get mad at me, I agree that your neighbour is a
stuck up bitch, and that a few plastic bags left around weren't going to kill her or blind her. In her shoes I would have said absolutely nothing. But, technically she might have a point, being a communal garden. You want her to be grateful for all the work you have done- a work that she never asked you or suggested you to do ! , - so a work that you do for your own pleasure ; and your own pleasure detracts from HER visual pleasure ; for which she pays, I suppose, a pretty penny.
Of course normally this are all non-events, non-accidents , which could be solved simply by polite communication and by establishing friendly, neghbourly relationships . But since alas this is not happening yet, I would advise you to make extra sure that you are well within your rights to do whatever you would be doing in this garden, so that you are not crossing any lines and that nobody can say a pip to you .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): How do you shut down a bully?
You stand up to them. You put them back in their place, move on and not give them another thought. She is intimidating you on purpose. She thinks you are weak and timid. Now, show her you are not. Say to her: "Fuck off, you miserable cow." And ignore. You love gardening? Go garden.This arrogant bitch has no right to tell you what to do!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 June 2018):
 You’re a 30-35 year old woman.
You can do as you damn well please, if she has something to say then let her. If you let her bully you she will do, people treat you as you let them. Who cares what she has to say? Why would you live your life worrying about what other people have to say?
If you want to do some work in the garden then do it. The world is full of rude people, you can’t shut down and hide away from them all your life or you will miss out on things you want to do.
Remain polite and if she continues to be rude then there’s really no need to talk to her. Do as you please in the garden that you have right to access. But as Honeypie said you really do need to grow thicker skin, you’re an adult.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): So this woman has her own garden, can use the communal one as can you and you are asking her permission to go in it and do some gardening? Here is the thing whether you 'Get the impression' she wants the garden to herself or not is irrelevant, it's tough ON HER. I think you might help from reading up about being assertive, to find tips or maybe in your area there is a course on self confidence. The thing i get from what you have wrote is that you seek approval on whether you can do things or not and not just her, what if the other one had been 'Territorial' as well, then what? If you can do the gardening then why would you not do it, it is part of your property!!Lastly so what if she seems successful and is married, that does not make her a better person than you, you ARE giving her permission to talk down to you and for her to be in control.Instead of seeking her out, do your own thing and if she has a problem with it you can then say something along the lines of 'I am sorry you feel that way but i am quite within my rights to take care of the communal garden' and as i have advised before on here own how you feel by saying 'I feel' so that YOU are owning you what you believe is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Remember like her you are an adult so if she comes along, speak to her as an adult AS AN EQUAL, don't get defensive, simply state politely you are as entitled as she is to use and do some gardening in the shared garden. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2018):
You attract bullies because you CARE what other people think. OP, you are grown woman with LEGAL access to this communal garden and this ONE "territorial lady" has NO more right to the communal garden no matter HOW she acts.
You DO need to grow a thicker skin.
And you NEED to simply IGNORE her. You didn't OWE her an explanation about the bin bags and what you were doing. You don't HAVE to stand around and let her "scold" you like you are a child and she the mother. WHO cares what she thinks you should and shouldn't do?! THAT needs to be your attitude.
IF you run into her and she is rude, either tell her, gosh you are a rude sort of person, aren't you? And walk away or JUST walk away, YOU owe her nothing! And you don't need to hide in your apartment or move away because this woman is a miserable cow!
My guess is that for all her "success" in life she is a really miserable person. Being successful, or married or a mother doesn't mean she somehow "outranks" you and thus have the right to bully you or be rude.
If you enjoy gardening, GO ENJOY the garden.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 June 2018):
 In your head you can tell her to "go suck aiggs" a quote from a cowboy yarn I read years ago, I find it suits all sorts of situations.
But, you have every right to use, and work in, the garden, you don't need that woman's consent or approval.
If you are really worried you could drop a shot note to the agent who handles the building, explaining the work done to date and how much you enjoyed it, however you want to make sure you are not stepping on any toes, could they please clarify if planned work needs to be okayed by anybody first.
If your neighbour continues to stick her bib in then just nod "yes, yes" and don't respond just keep on doing what you are.
Gird your loins, while it sounds like you might avoid confrontations (me too) after the first half dozen or so forays into the garden it will get easier and easier.
Good luck, stay strong.
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