A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am a 31 year old male. I have a friend who is 23 who dates a lot of underage girls who are maybe 16-17 years old. In fact, it has become a running joke in our circle of friends that his girlfriends are teenagers. However, in the time I have known him (about 2 years) it has gone from a sort of novelty to a pattern. He's a very nice guy, very sensitive, and I am not even sure if he sleeps with these girls although they do fool around. Over time, though, I am wondering if he's a pedophile or a pedophile in the making. There are older women interested in him, but it seems like all of his girlfriends are underage. He is not interested in pre-pubescent girls so in some sense he's not a pedophile, but none of the rest of us are dating girls so young. Should I say something? Is there any cause for concern at all? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2014):
 The voice of reason tells me... to advice the OP's friend about the legality of his choices, because in the US being with a 16-17 year old (as a 23 year old) can ruin a guys life.
Being labelled as a sexual offender in the US is pretty much a kiss of death to a guy.
He doesn't HAVE to RAPE a girl to be labelled a sex offender. Hell, a guy over here can be drunk and PISSING somewhere in public or in sight of a house and GET prosecuted & labelled a sex offender.
PARENTS of a child (be it girl or boy) can press charges against someone like the OP's friend. EVEN if she was a VERY willing participants. SO YES, I do think I would advice the OP to make sure his friend UNDERSTANDS that it CAN have legal ramifications. Whether we think THAT is at all "natural" or not. THAT is how American Law works.
America has an odd view of MANY thing (I'm European living in the US, so I DO notice that a lot). THIS is ONE of those things.
One of my BIL's neighbors has a pregnant 15 year old high school student. LUCKY for her BF (the guy who knocked her up) he is YOUNGER then her, so HE isn't getting in LEGAL trouble over this. (neither is she because... my guess.. she is female). But guess what? Her parents wanted to press charges.
And again, KIDS (in the US) are HIGHLY sexualized yet ignorant and piss poorly informed. Adults (many parents and teachers) think if you preach abstinence they won't have sex, which is ironic considering the high teen pregnancy rate.
ACTING like a grown up doesn't MAKE you (general you) a grown up. Looking like a grown up, doesn't MAKE you a grown up either.
At 23 he can still be pretty immature himself. And 16-17 year old girls might be on par with his maturity level. So from a non-legal standpoint I don't think it's "wrong" that he prefers younger girls, it may just not be very "smart".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): That's the thing though Cindycares, I work with people that age, they're not kids. They're fucking and sucking all around them, getting pregnant, getting drunk, sending naked pictures, having their heart broken and living like adults but without the same respect. Yet we somehow think it's wrong for them date an adult? So they can have sex but only with someone as clueless and emotionally immature as them?
I'd say I have about 2 girls in one class of 35 teens that I would consider too immature emotionally to conduct a relationship and they're the ones who are cock fodder for boys their age and have reputations as sluts.
16 may be a kid to some, but I know more emotionally stable, mature and intelligent 16 year olds than adults.
16 year olds these days are lot more intelligent than we we give them credit for but that's always the way, there is no innocence left, naivety yes, immaturity yes, but they have access to world's information these days. It's only the ones who are wrapped in cotton wool by their parents become devastated by the reality of the world because they weren't exposed to it.
We get a very small representation of teens here, and frankly you see as well as I do people our age do even more mind boggling stupid crap, because they should know better but don't.
It's socially unacceptable for a guy his age to date a teenager and maybe where he lives even illegal if they do anything beyond kiss, but they're doing these things anyway, if not even worse things than just fooling around with a 23 year old guy who is sweet, sensitive and a good guy.
Sweet sensitive good guys at 16 rarely have girlfriends, it's only the vicious little bastards who have the most success in that regard.
For a 16 year old girl to choose a sweet, sensitive caring guy is not a bad thing in my mind, when the vast majority of them fall for bad boys. even in stable teenage relationships the risk of heartbreak and emotional damage is the same, if not even moreso because even a nice guy teen can make idiotic mistakes.
Is it a dysfunction for a guy his age to choose girls that young? No. Age of consent has only been raised in very recent times and in most countries there isn't really an effective age of consent, 18 is far too high, it does not protect them from the emotional consequences of sex it only criminalises the act and means they have less protection because they have to hide their activities. 16/17 is old enough for us to be giving them the vote, to choose to have sex, to decide the very direction of our country's futures and they're also the most socially active age group intent on making a difference to the world.
We give them all these freedoms and responsibilities then patronise them by saying they only have the choice to have sex with someone around their age. You can choose to have sex but only in the very restrictive manner we dictate.
If you want to know the biggest problem with teenagers, they're important, mature, intelligent and insightful but we still treat them like children and try to limit their access to the world and relationships. The kids we get here have had no guidance from anyone, they've had to come to the internet for support and often it's because they have to be clandestine about what they do because it's "unacceptable" and we still find the idea of them having a sexual choice as taboo.
I mean if a teenager kills a person in cold blood they're now an adult, but if they sexually express themselves, they're too young and too stupid.
We treat them like adults when it suits us not because we have any respect for them or any idea what they're really like.
I have had heart to hearts with many of them in my professional capacity, they're not children anymore than someone who is 19 is. Immaturity does not make someone a child and I know 50 year olds who never matured.
Most of all thought I know from my own experience as a nice, respectful, decent 22 year old with a long term girlfriend who was 17.
Did I use her for sex? No, she was one of the horniest girls I've dated and sex was a time of fun discovery for both of us.
Did I have some kind of emotional power over her? No, I was practically a passenger in it, she was the one steering the boat.
Could I have gotten a girl my own age? Of course, but she was a hell of a lot of fun, persistent, determined, pretty and we could talk for hours about similar musical tastes, perceptions of life and had a really good connection too.
Her age mattered more to others than us, her parents hated me (which made me so much more appealing), on practical terms dating was like any teenage couple, I wasn't in college getting a degree, the most adult thing I was doing was working and had my own apartment.
How did we meet? In a bar that we both went to frequently. Our first kiss was at 5am in that bar.
My wife was very similar to her and "only" 19 too. We had been friends since she was 16. At 16 she was out in clubs drinking, partying and having fun, and at 16 she was a pretty solid member of my social group of people in our late 20's. She was like the little sister of the group and was more intelligent and mature than even I was.
With all due respect to the other posters they're outsiders looking in, looking with the protective eyes of a mother who has teenage kids, or the dismissive eyes of a guy who has himself convinced that being a college student made him an adult. Basing their opinions on stereotypes and the worst case scenario of age gap relationships and people who are 16 years old. there are far more stories out there of "mature" adults doing far more fucked up things yet we somehow seem to think that similar ages represent some kind of magical safety net? They don't.
I lived it, I was that guy and in many ways I married one of those girls. Nothing negative happened to any of them based on me being older because I'm not an asshole in that way, I'm certainly not some controlling asshole who gets off being a dominant or manipulating people younger than me, otherwise I wouldn't want to work in a job to prepare them for the world as best I can.
The 17 year old dumped me because while I was a fun guy to be with she didn't actually love me and didn't want to be with me. She's had plenty of worse boyfriends than me, my age was irrelevant although it did make hotter to her.
I just don't see this guy as doing anything wrong because the OP says he's a nice guy. If he's a good guy that's treats her well then what's the problem? Is being with someone her own age more important than being with a guy who's good for her? Then show me one piece of proof that this guy's age makes him bad for her.
Other than the age of consent problem I see nothing wrong with what he's doing. At least nothing in what the OP has said.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): I don't think there's anything to worry about! I always think that age is not something you should judge about, because noone chooses his age himself. It's just the length you exist, nothing you could change, and I don't think it should be any problem to a relationship ...
A friend of mine is now 18, and has been together with her 7-year-older boyfriend for five years. They're happy and there's no problem anywhere.
If he likes younger girls, I think it's okay as long as they're not 10 or 12 or something like this - actually, dating a 17 year old could be seen pretty normal for a 23 year old ...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): I think 16 is a silly age to consent because it makes it easier for adults (older than 23) to justify that the child is legally old enough. So I don't agree with Cerberus on that. I recently read about a 40 year old woman wanting to have sex with her 16 year old son's friend - very questionable, but sadly not illegal. 16 year olds are still children, children should not be legally having sex, especially not with adults, but they can.As for your friend, just warn him that he could be branded a sex offender for life if he fools around with minors. If he genuinely wants to date them and is gentlemanly, he can't fool around with them. Tell him how attached teenage girls often get and how they spout loads of details sometimes when they're upset if they break up, and how such information could cause her family to press charges against your friend.Do I thing he's doing anything wrong? Personally, I think it's a bad decision and a stupid one, but I don't think he's maliciously choosing minors to damage them in any way.Do I think you should warn him about the fire he's playing with and ask him why he wouldn't want a girlfriend who is at least legally an adult? 100% and try not to let him give crappy, generic answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2014):
 And sorry, I keep pressing "add your answer" before I finish my thoughts…
Pedophile, ephebophile, whatever, applying the label here doesn't really matter, does it?
What your friend is doing could get him a prison sentence and then the life-haunting label "Registered Sex Offender." So maybe he's a pre-convicted felon? I'm sure there are many nice sensitive felons in prison who would love a new boyfriend….
"Is there any cause for concern at all?"
Um, well, yes, there is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2014):
P.S. The other similar pattern in your friend's case and the convicted sex offender's case I referenced was that there were a number of girls involved, my friend's family member was not the only minor he was "fooling around with" (layman's term) or "statutorily sexually assaulting" (that pesky legal means of preventing older men from grooming and sexually abusing vulnerable minors). There was more than one teenage girl who had to get up on the stand, apparently.
The guy in question was friends with older people too, it turned out he would gain the parent's trust and target their teenage daughters. He was very nice and polite, except when he was threatening the teenage girls to keep their mouths shut or he'd tell everyone they were whores.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2014):
A friend of mine had a family member aged 16 who wound up being involved in an underage sex and statutory rape case. This girl had to appear on the stand and the guy wound up being convicted. Yes, some families actually do report things like this and some men do wind up with a permanent record because they fooled around with minors.It's not a joke, it's not something to take lightly and people's lives are forever changed by things like this. This family member had to receive counseling as a result of this man's actions.If this guy is fooling around sexually with minors then he's just asking for problems. If he's a nice guy and sensitive, well, that doesn't mean he's also wise and sensible. He may not fit the technical term pedophile but he does fit the legal definition of inappropriate sexual contact with a minor. I think once they are convicted they are known as registered sex offenders and have a whole lot of restrictions placed on them. Is he a close friend? Would you visit him in prison?There may not be a cause for concern for you, unless you wind up being called up as a witness or for a deposition. What's your comfort level for all that?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2014):
 I know that Cerberus does not take it personally when people disagree with him, but since my disagreement may sound like I am concluding " well then when you were 23 you must have been a complete retarded idiot "- disclaimer, I don't mean that :)
But,it's not just about being legal or not.
Here in Italy, legal age of sexual consent is barely 14 ( scandalously low , IMO ). And as for drinking, with great joy of all the young tourists... we don't even really have a law. I.E. : SALE ( in wine shops, clubs, restaurants etc . ) of alcohol to people under 16 is forbidden. But ,let's say that you let all the kids at a 13 th birthday party help themselves with the content of your liquor cabinet and get pissed drunk, there's no law against that and nothing they can do to you , unless someone ends up at the E.R. in really bad shape.
It's about, what possibly could a 23 y.o. MAN want with a 16 y.o. KID ?... Where's the attraction, what do they have in common , what would they talk about ?..
I mentioned my son ( 23 ) precisely because he IS a dumb kid :), much into his Game of Thrones and stuff like that , he is far , in my eyes, from a full fledged REAL grown up man. YET, there is dumb.. and there is dumber .
16 y.o. girl CRY a lot. They TEXT a lot, using text speak and emoticons. They like boys bands . They go in and out of love like kittens out of a litterbox. They sulk over stupid stuff, and giggle over even more stupid stuff.
Cerberus, you are a teacher , and also , you have experience with our teens who write at Dear Cupid, you know what they write . Now, I find them half annoying half adorable, so maybe you only saw more the adorable part, while my son sees more the annoying. But, in any case, how can you have some sort of semi-ADULT interaction with a child, who acts like a child, talks like a child, thinks like a child and LIVES like a child ( can't drive , can't vote, can't get a credit card, can't sign a lease... ) ? when you are 23 ?... it must mean something .
I guess one big factor could be that you ( and the OP's friend ) did not like to sweat it, of course it's easier with a kid, she'll see the older guy anyway like someone " bigger " and better, and important and cool , she'll be flattered by the attention even if he 's a dork. While her slightly older sister , 19 or 20, will have no scruples in telling a dork to buzz off.
Now, not that 's ilegal to want to have an easy game, the easiest possible game, but, makes you wonder ... at least makes ME wonder ( or, I'd wonder if I were the mother of the girl ) why at 23 one can't, or won't get game unless it is veeery easy...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2014):
 A 17 yr old girl is delighted to have a 23 yr old man pay attention to her. If it was a 21 yr old and a 27 year old no one would think twice.
You at 31 see these girls half your age and think Ephebophilia (adults interested in older teens) but in this case I think he's just an immature 23 yr old with really bad judgement.
Now should he turn 26 and still be targeting the mid teen girls, then there might be concern that he's got Ephebophilia but at this point it's just bad judgement.
and yes at 23 if he sleeps with a 16 yr old he could be branded a sex offender for life.
perhaps at 23 he's just not mature enough to realize that he needs an adult not an adolescent. 16/17 year old girls LOOK marvelous and look adult but they are not...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Here in the UK a lot of people would find it a bit strange for a 23 year old to date a 16 year old, whichever way it is, older girl, younger guy. Although the age of consent here is 16, it's still odd. Usually there is a massive difference in maturity terms between 16 and 23. When I was 23 I had completed my masters degree in linguistics and was working full time and saving to buy a house. At 16 I barely even knew who I was.
Although I wouldn't say he was a paedophile, there's something.. something not quite right about it. Perhaps he is every emotionally and mentally immature and can't keep a relationship with a mature woman, i.e. someone around 20 and above, going?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): No, it's fine, OP.
You say he's a very nice guy, very sensitive and sweet, so do you honestly think he's some kind of bastard to these girls and using them? Does he play them, use them, abuse them?
It doesn't sound to me like he is. The only thing you should worry about is the age of consent laws, they may get him into trouble but he's not doing anything wrong at all. Here in Europe we don't see any problem with it, they're legal at that age and are just as capable of making sexual decisions as any adult. So who are we to to put a limit on the age of the guys they want to express their sexuality with? Are they safer with a guy their own age? Not necessarily.
OP he's not a paedophile, he's an ephebophile like most men.
Don't bother looking up the term on wikipedia it's been redacted to remove a lot of the information. Such as the fact that 80% of men display an attraction to girls between the age of 15 and 19, sometimes even younger depending on their physical characteristics. I mean you've surely seen a hotty in short shorts and thought she looked nice only for her turn around and be far too young and get pretty heavy tinge of guilt for admiring her body in the first place. It happens most of us.
My wife is a psychologist that specialises in sexual predation and liking girls that age is not even considered a disorder whereas paedophilia is for obvious reasons, kids that age don't represent any kind of physical sexuality.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to sexually fertile girls, we're biologically programmed that way. It's only wrong if they're below the age of consent and even then if the age of consent is a ridiculous figure like 18 then it's only a risk in terms of legality, morally it's fine to be with a 16 year old.
The fact is, OP he's only 23. When I was his age I had girlfriends that age. I didn't use them or abuse them, I didn't use my age against them to corrupt their mind. I just connected better with girls that age and they worked harder to get me than girls my age back then.
I met my wife when she was 19 and I was late 20's.
OP you're thinking like a 31 year old. Remember when you were 23? You were practically still a kid, doing all kinds of stupid shit, partying etc.
As long as he's good to them, as long he's a good guy then let him do his thing, he's not hurting anyone. But just make it clear to him that bringing his 16 year old girlfriends with him to social gatherings with you and others your age there is not a good idea at all, also let him know he's playing with fire if the age of consent laws where you are are a puritanical 18 years old.
There is no risk of him being a paedophile, there is just as much risk of you being that, in other words none.
OP I know the American mindset is very strict and weird about things like that, but in Europe we're pretty fine about that. A lot of countries here you can legally drink at the age of 16, you can consent to sex at that age too and we're even going to go as far as allowing 16 year olds to vote too. American's have a weird mindset if you ask me, you can drive a car at 15, a motor vehicle with the potential to kill someone for one minor loss of concentration, yet you don't trust people that age to be able to choose to have sex?
OP there is not a lot of difference between 16 and 18, hell when I was 23 the only the difference for me is that I had more experience in life, I certainly wasn't more mature. I was a complete idiot, party lifestyle, immature kid. But I was still good to people, still respectful and the teens I dated where mostly ones who pursued me.
Try not to label him or judge him if he's a good person but don't be afraid to voice concerns either, he's a friend. as a friend you're free to ask him about it too, OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 April 2014):
Ahem, maybe it's just that your friend is not the sharpest tool in the shed ? I have a son your friend's age, and not that my son is some refined Cary Grant type, or some superbrain intellectual, no, he is a very average guy his age, yet he would not touch a 16 y.o. girl with a ten feet pole, he could not stand spending two hours straight with one of them , - there's few years but eons of mental and emotional distance. I suppose he COULD find some sexually attractive, regardless ( not sure of that, but after all he's a young male ) - but since your friend is 1) either not having sex with them or b) having sex with them, but also accepting to act as the official bf, so apparently enjoying their conversation , company and ideas, ...in both cases the motivation is not strictly sexual, he just LIKES them so young. That must be saying something about who he is as a person, and how his brain works. How is he , outside his dating life ? mature, confident, smart...? Or not that much ?
You could just remind him, if you wish, that in several US States 16 and 17 means underage and he is not supposed to perform sexual acts with or on them. Other than that... there's not much that you can do, but hoping that eventually he gets out of reliving by proxy his highschool days.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2014):
Should you worry?
In a way I would. If he DOES at some point sleep with an underage girl then he can get in all kind of legal trouble that WILL follow him throughout the rest of his life. Being labelled a sex offender (no matter if the girl was willing or not) WILL follow him for the rest of his life.
It can be, he feels more comfortable with younger girls because girls his own age and older would see right through him. As opposed to younger girls who thinks he is AMAZING (just because he is 23 and into THEM). Or he knows that being intimate (sex) will be out of the question and THAT suits him fine.
Should you worry that he is a pedophile? I think not. He is immature and prefers younger girls either because their are on his maturity level or because they are (generally) easier to mold and manipulate.
If he is a good friend, I might have a one-on-one with him about the LEGAL side of dating underage girls. One parent might not approve and THAT can label him for the rest of his life. It will prevent him from getting MANY kinds of job, living where ever HE wants. I "might" suggest that he should go for girls 18+.
However, JUST like you, he is free to live his life and MAKE his own mistakes. Being a friend means you can advice him and talk to him, but you can't change him.
...............................
|
