A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I be worried?I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and we're doing quite well at the moment. We've been close to breaking up once or twice before while we were separated during college, but I've always been able to put a stop to her thoughts of leaving me before. However, each time this happened, it always started out the same way: she made friends with a guy, hung out with him a bit, told me he was just a friend, and then found out he wanted more. Well, things are heading that way again, but this time with a twist. She has a friend she's known longer than she's known me, who she's flirted with on and off, assuring me that it never had been serious. Well, last Summer, while I was on vacation, he confessed that he wanted something more. She denied him, thankfully, but they never really fell out of contact. Instead, he just backed off, occasionally telling her he's just waiting for things to end between me and her. Since then, she's always told me that he could understand her mind better and she would have gone out with him, if it weren't for me trying so hard. I finally got her to stop talking to him for a few months because I couldn't stand hearing her talk about him, but I found out recently that he's going to be returning to her workplace, where they originally met. Knowing the past, I'm extremely worried that he's just going to start trying to get with her again, but she assures me that he's through with all that and that they'd just be friends. Am I right to be worried? Will their "pretend" flirting become real again? I'm just not sure what to do at this point.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 They can never be "friends". He did not want a friendship with her. He wanted more. She knew that and enjoyed the attention. Both of those thoughts are OK too, just not while she's your girlfriend.
We have to accept that there will always be others out there who stir feelings in us or our partners. That is a fact. People who are jealous go through life trying to stop their partners from having any contact with potential threats. That is crazy because potential threats are everywhere and we cant' restrict our partners free movement or control their thoughts. We can only hope that our partners respect their main relationship.
What is difficult is when your partner is in an environment where they are in constant contact with someone who desires them. This is especially frightening when your partner is somewhat attracted to the other person. This is your case. In this case, you have reason to question the integrity of this relationship. The other guy has or had ulterior motives and nothing to lose. Your girlfriend admitted he could be a potential mate is she was single. So, if you consider that most women, unless they are promiscuous, are very selective about who they date, he is a threat. Of all the guys out there, 95 % would not get a second look from her. A small percentage would get a raised eyebrow, a smaller percentage would get her attention and a smaller percentage would get more. You are in the small percentage group BUT, so is the other guy.
This does not mean she's would cheat but it does mean there would be another guy around who stimulates her more that most other men. That is always the case actually. You just happen to be aware of this one.
In the end, you have to be strong and keep your eyes open. You have reason not to trust this other guy. He's already said he's just waiting for you to be out of the picture. That is not a very respectful thing to say to someone about their partner. Your girlfriend probably laughed it off as if it were a joke. That way she can say it was no big deal and the other guy can pretend he was just kidding. You see, when we're being flattered we often let some things slide because we're enjoying the attention.
Don't be a jealous fool but don't be naive either. Don't give her reasons not to want to be with you.
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