A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So about two months ago my boyfriend (and his brother) met this girl in his degree. I know he tried to set her up with his brother, but it never came to anything. Anyway I guess they see each other around, they're Facebook friends and she has his number and stuff. I've seen their messages they send to each other, they're innocent and don't seem to be often. But I guess he could delete them too. She works at a Sushi/juice bar on campus he goes to for lunch sometimes and she keeps giving him free food (not just samples but the actual food he orders). She's done this in front of me.I feel kinda insecure about this. We have a pretty happy relationship otherwise. I've jokingly bought up with my boyfriend about how I feel she's coming on to him but he doesn't really respond, just laughs it off. Should I be worried? Should I say something more to him? If I say something, how can I bring it up without causing a fight and seeming untrusting? Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): I wouldn't react just yet and agree that jealousy can ruin relationships. If it becomes a trend, then I would start worrying, e.g., looking for women on FB, insisting on seeing other women friends for their birthdays, etc. Then you should start to worry. If a man loves -is in love - with you then other women friends should become very secondary. PERIOD!!! In most cases, with a little observation you can see what a man is like in a fairly brief period of time. It's best to decide then if the man's personality is something you can live with knowing that it's unlikely that he'll change.I won't say that you'll never have to look out for other women. In my case with an ex-boyfriend, a woman friend would continually send him chain pet pictures and stories which he thought were cute and he would forward to me. The frequency of her e-mails, however, became annoying to me especially because the e-mails weren't sent to groups of friends, as they typically are, but JUST TO HIM. I then saw one day that one of the e-mails was sent to him on a Saturday from her home. I thought it was odd because when I'm home, I neither have the time or desire to send chain e-mails to co-workers!! It seems she would use them as an excuse to touch base and add a personal note. I could only think that she had an interest in him. I then discussed the issue with my boyfriend and given the way they made me feel, asked that he no longer forward these to me. Later on, this same woman called my work phone on a Saturday and did not leave a message. Little did she know that we now have a new telephone system that transfers callers' information to e-mail. Why would she call my number if only to check who I am by listening to my voice message??? I checked to see if there could possibly be any work related connection and THERE WAS NONE. My conclusion is that the interest must have been one-sided on her part. He, on the other hand, probably enjoyed the attention.Although it didn't work out for me not for this reason but for others, my advice to you is to not become detective (it's very destructive) or panic unless there is a real reason to. Give it some more time and then decide. Beware of real red flags.I do wish you the best of luck but for now, one or two innocent e-mails shouldn't be a deal breaker.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 June 2014):
 Oh wait...just read your followup. He met up with an ex behind your back?? That is not cool at all and it changes my thoughts on the matter.
This guy shouldn't be laughing off your concerns. He should be actively doing all he can to rebuild your trust in him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 June 2014):
I don't see any danger in this friendship between him and this woman. I *do* see the danger in your snooping. It erodes trust to invade your partner's privacy as well as to act inappropriately. He hasn't crossed a boundary with you, but you're crossing one with him.
I also agree with the others - why would he try to set her up with his brother if he wanted her? The last thing a sensible guy would do is to try and steal a girl from his brother.
I don't know how long you and this guy have been together, but it doesn't sound like he's broken your trust before. You can't start surveiling him like a parole officer. It also sounds like they haven't had a past history, so it *is* platonic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): OP by all means have a chat with him and let him reassure you but calm down about it first.
The answer to whether you should worry about it is the same as the answer to "would a guy who likes a girl try to set her up with his brother"?
Pretty straight forward really isn't it? No guy would ever try and set up a girl he liked with a close family member and crush himself, he would have went for her instead.
He has no interest in her and she's just being a friend who is comfortable around him. It'd be worse if there was awkwardness or tension, that's be a worse sign. So do try not make this one of those situations or you'll see even worse "signs".
I never introduce people as "my girlfriend", that's a really odd thing to introduce someone as if you ask me. Even weirder that you seem to need him to do that too.
OP be careful here, your insecurity is bordering on possessiveness and you really have nothing to go off here at all.
Op this is your difficulty in trust, not his, meeting the ex was a bit of an error but he's young and it's easy not know that's unacceptable.
All relationships carry some risk, none are 100% secure. I'm married and 100% trust my wife as my life-partner but I'm also not stupid enough to think she can never make a mistake and hurt me. But until I face that situation I'm not going to spend my marriage worrying and looking for signs. Where the hell is the fun in that? Deal with this issue you have, OP, try not to bring him into it as he's not doing anything to deserve it.
Jealousy is a horrible emotion, being possessive is the easiest way to lose a guy and neither of them have done anything wrong nor shown signs that they will either.
Try and enjoy this instead of looking for ways for it to fail, OP, what's the point in even being in a relationship if you can't relax and enjoy it? You may aswell just stay single.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I do have difficulty trusting men. I didn't have the most fantastic father and I recognise this does affect my perception. I have tried to deal with it through counselling and I try and keep a track of myself. This is why I came to ask here instead of jumping to conclusions and going to my boyfriend.I don't believe there's anything happening. I feel uncomfortable by her actions towards my boyfriend and I feel it's something that could escalate if he was interested in her in that way. I also think he's probably a tad naive to girls advances. I ask if I should talk to him about it because we've had similar discussions before were he's felt uncomfortable about my male friends. I've always tried to make him feel better about this and taken a step back from those friendships for his sake. Previously, he met up with an ex behind my back. It was fairly platonic from what I understand, just lunch but apparently she wanted to talk about their relationship which had ended over a year ago and they had both moved on. It just seemed odd to me at the time (still does, frankly) and it broke a little trust as I didn't fine out about it until well after the fact. I had been working on building trust with him again but now there's this girl in the picture. I know there's not a lot to go off, again, this is why I'm looking for advice so I don't go all crazy on him. I just feel weird about the food thing. She's not the owner of this business. She shouldn't be giving away meals, especially considering it's no were near close of business. He didn't introduce me as his girlfriend the time I (briefly) met her. She just seems a little too keen and it makes me feel uneasy. Sorry to write an essay, I just felt I'd like to clarify some things.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 But you are distrusting. You snoop and read their messages? She gives him free food and somehow that means she wants to nail him? Your imagination is running wild. You need to have a chat with yourself about this, because you are creating a mountain out of a mole hill. Where do you get these ideas from? Why so insecure? Why no trust in him? Have you cheated on him, and are now looking for signs that he does the same?
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