A
male
age
36-40,
*inicosm
writes:I've recently found out some things from my girlfriend of nearly a year's sexual history which have made me think. I'm 23 and she's 30. We met and she was married, we started out having an affair and very quickly she separated from her husband and is now completely divorced. I told her that I was a virgin soon after we met and she told me that she'd only ever had sex with one person; her husband.I have found out that whilst she has only had sex with one person, she had a few sexual encounters whilst she was 16/17 and working in a restaurant. The first was as a 16 year old where she went back to a 26 year old's house and gave him manual stimulation to the point of orgasm before going home. Then a few weeks later, she kissed another colleague in a club before going back to the restaurant with her 28 year old boss (a different person) and kissing him before going back to his house where she stayed over night again manually stimulating him until he reached orgasm over her body. She then a month or two later moved jobs and had a short relationship with her 32 year old boss which involved staying over at his and manually stimulating him- she was 16 still at this point. She then a few months later was at a party and went into a cupboard with a 27 year old and performed oral sex on him, until they were interrupted by a knock at the door. She then met her husband a few months later who she came on to, with the chat up line 'if you weren't with X I'd fuck you' (he was living with someone else and in a relationship when she came on to him). She then was completely faithful for 13 years until she met me. So my question is should I judge her for this past? I feel that even though she's only had full sex with 1 person before me, she's still had quite a lot of encounters. She doesn't come across as slutty or anything like that, but perhaps due to my innocent past - I've never performed any kind of sex act with anyone but her- i'm finding it hard to come to terms with. What would you lot do if you found this out? Is this a bad sexual history? Could most people deal with this? I'm struggling...Thanks
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affair, divorce, kissing, oral sex, orgasm, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): This is an issue of trust. It does not matter whether she has had 3 other encounters or 300. The important thing is whether you feel that she gave you a false picture of herself or not.
A
female
reader, StraightTalker +, writes (19 July 2010):
Its up to you to decide whether you trust her or not...its a tricky one really. Its easy to think along the lines of "she's done it before and she'll do it again"
I have never had an affair like your gf, however I have had sex with many more people than my bf, (He has only had sex with one before me and he was my 20th) and all bar one of my sexual encouters before meeting him were one night stands. Some would say that I am likely to cheat because of my past but cheating is something I have never done and never would do.
In some ways it could be you who is more likely to cheat because your lack of experiance could make you more curious. I have often heard of people who settled down young with little sexual experience and have ended up cheating years later because they feel they have missed out. I'm not saying that you will cheat, just giving you a different perspective. Hope I helped :-)
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A
male
reader, minicosm +, writes (19 July 2010):
minicosm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo q1605, where are you placing my girlfriend in this context? Are you saying she's better than a born again virgin or saying she is trying to be a born again virgin? Thanks
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A
male
reader, minicosm +, writes (19 July 2010):
minicosm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ1605, what do you mean? Thanks
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A
male
reader, TheWolf  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 As one reader suggested ... youre problem isnt her past . It seems your deepest worry should be that you took her from another , and if you could take her .... can someone take her from you . I went thru this very same thing 6 years ago . I found out after marriage to my 2nd wife that she had more sexual partners than well honestly i could ever imagine anyone at that age having . She had cheated on both her husbands sometimes with even there brothers . The question burned in my mind .... Why am i any different ? One day she will most likely cheat on me and after 6 years of marriage i caught her . Did my expecting this somehow make me less of a husband to her and in some way make it happen ? Yea im thinking it probly did . In expecting it ... i acted different towards her .
I know way off the subject .....
Ok obviously she has opened up to you and told you everything . This shows that she does love you and trusts you . You shouldnt judge her in any way . But you already have or we wouldnt be having this discussion right ?You have to put this out of your head , there is nothing to forgive her for . Although you may need forgiveness from her for your judgement . Warning if you hold on to this you are heading for disaster . Put it behind you , love her , cherish her . And go out and buy her some roses and tell her how much you love her and never bring this up again .
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A
female
reader, vicky121087 +, writes (19 July 2010):
hi, i think you should forget about the past and consentrate on the present. she was only young when she did that stuff. i think you should talk to her about how you feel about it, and get it off you chest. no i dont think you should be worried about it, it was a long time ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): you had an affair, and broke up their marriage...and this the morality issue you worry about? Thats a tame list she has.
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A
male
reader, minicosm +, writes (19 July 2010):
minicosm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I have insecurities - part of me wonders am I secretly jealous about her past?
Thanks to those who replied - I have to say I am genuinely surprised at your reactions; I'll think them through. I'd welcome any further insights.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 ?????? For 30 years old she seems as pure as freshly fallen snow! I'd bet that the Queen has had more casual sex than that.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 "So my question is should I judge her for this past? I feel that even though she's only had full sex with 1 person before me, she's still had quite a lot of encounters. "
Should you judge her... yes. She has had an incredibly un-slutty past! Judge her as very much on the virginal end of the spectrum. Really.
You say she's had quite a lot of encounters. Put simply: you are wrong. For a 30 year old woman she's had very very few. And to have had intercourse with one other person only! That's very rare.
Since you were a virgin, and you clearly have issues around this, you should count yourself lucky to have found a woman like her.
Trust me on this: if you were to go out and find another girl your age (let alone 30), in all likelyhood she'd have had 5+ sexual partners and probably a range of other encounters.
Realise that you have an issue around this. Being a virgin until you met her that's understandable. But also realise that she's very much on the sexually inexperienced end of the scale. What you are experiencing is because of your fears and insecurities, it's nothing to do with her. And with another woman you'd probably find things much more difficult.
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