A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im a 20 year old female and i am in a relationship with a great guy. BUt I'm concerned you see a few months back the girl showed up out of the blue to see him before he got home from work i was at the house making dinner and she introduced herself and said he knows I'm coming here I'm buying something off him. And yes that was a legitimate reason and he was selling some of his stuff to make some extra cash. He had mentioned her before but i had never me her, in the past he told me she was just a friend that he used to have but they didn't talk that much anymore. Well when she showed up i told her to just come in and wait as he was on his way home and went back to making dinner. she saw our dog and started playing with him mentioning how she was there the day he brought him home. she the looked at me and asked "Who the fuck are you anyway?" i introduced myself as his girlfriend and she replied "girlfriend? cause I'm his best friend and he never mentioned you once!" she the kept saying stuff like when i come over a watch movies our dog would curl up in her lap and lay with them on the couch. Things got more and more awkward until he got home when he did he had a shocked look on his face at the scene he found and quirky got her what he was selling her and and she left. afterwards i broke down because it was just to much he explained that she was just clingy and had no friends and told me if it would make me feel better he would stop talking to her.well today I was on Facebook and i saw that two days a go she wrote "Miss you buddy we need a coffee date or something soon I miss my buddy" on his wall it concerns me cause I'm worried he's still talking to her and not telling me. the only encounter I've had with her she acted very possessive of him and hostile towards me and said everything she could to make me uncomfortable and awkward. She always likes everything he puts on Facebook and I'm worried that they text or talk over Facebook. I've tried bringing it up a couple times but he just tells me that i need to stop worrying.also she has two kids and is affair bit older than him he's 21 i think she's 32. i Just have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomachAm I over reacting or are my worries justified? what should i do? talk to him? confront her? leave it alone?
View related questions:
affair, best friend, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): Sure you should be worried about this hoe. Pardon my expression. Can I ask you one question? Have you had that discussion with your boyfriend about in a one and one single relationship with each other? If not you should have it right away. Be open frank and honest with him. If he cannot come to some agreement about your fears and not seeing this women again then you better pack your bags and leave. The biggest deal breaker in any relationship is the lack of trust. His actions are not clear or do I believe that he is being totally upfront about this hoe. Your a lovely women who deserves the love and caring of one man. If he cant accept these terms then move on please. It is not your fault and don't beat yourself up. It is better this happen now instead of five years up the road when you have invested even more into what appears a one sided relationship. Good-luck......=
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 No.... you are NOT "over-reacting...." I am a strong believer in "womans' intuition"..... and I "see" that coming on strong in the situation that you've described....
Here you have an out-of-the-blue woman showing up.... who CLEARLY is much closer to - and has had contact with - your boyfriend than you were EVER lead to believe ... OR, even be made aware of!!!!!
AND, she and he CONTINUE to communicate... in SOME form(s).
.... enough so that SHE can coax him out to a MEETING??????
I suggest that you sit "B/F" down for a tete-a-tete which goes something like this:
"Ya know, Hunchy-Bunchy, I thought that I was your girlfriend.... and that THAT meant I was your ONLY "girlfriend".... and, now,... I see that you have a shadow or "second-string" girlfriend who you are keeping... sort of as a back-up to me.... annnnd.... THAT IS FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE TO ME!!!!! ... and so YOU need to decide if you want to have a primary girlfriend... with a "second string" girlfriend who you keep available for backup.... OR, if you have ONE REAL girlfriend (me!)... to whom you are committed... without certain caveats and without a readily-available back-up..... because, IF you DO (insist on keeping a second-string girlfriend).... THEN she better be darned good... good enough to be FIRST string... because I AM OUT OF HERE!!!!! .... and you can HAVE her and your deceptive behaviour...."
THAT should make it perfectly clear to him....
....AND should save you the angst of confronting this same set of circumstances, with him, in the future...
Good luck.....
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 April 2013):
 He does not look at her as girlfriend or wife material, that's for sure. She is a foul mouthed person, the kind of woman a man has no problems using and throwing away. She does sound like an on and off FWB though. Curling up on the couch with the dog, feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, show a kind of intimacy even though they are never serious. She may not expect him to commit to her, but she doesn't like it when another girl takes the spot of an official girlfriend, making her look cheap. The reason why you were never mentioned to her is because he will likely lose the FWB. Better sounding nick names for fuck buddies are often best friends and buddies.
I think she is a threat, not because he will leave you for her, but he is not trustworthy and is suspicious of hooking up with her for a casual affair. For an intact relationship there is no room for anyone on the side.
If you read your boyfriend's facebook you should be able to see what he replied to her. A man that does not hide his affairs on facebook must be really stupid, so chances are you will never find out whether he is still in contact with her. I will not snoop on his phone though. When you feel that need there is no trust in the relationship and it can't continue like that.
You live with him, so I assume you knew your boyfriend long enough, at least more than a few months and trust him enough that your relationship started solid.
What he should do, to show you he's done with her, is too completely block her, online and on the phone. So you won't be reminded of her anymore. He should not do any business with her, giving her excuses to keep in touch.
This woman does not care about you. She knows you are still living with him and has no shame meeting up with a taken man, and missing him. When your boyfriend looked shocked when he saw you two it might mean that he didn't expect her to come in. Maybe he arranged to drop the stuff off somewhere you won't know. She was an unwelcomed guest but was trying to play best friends and invited herself in.
Talking to your boyfriend will only result in him telling you it's all one sided and he has no intention of meeting her and that you should stop worrying. If he cheated he is not going to admit it. Which doesn't help anything. It depends on everything else in the relationship. If you decide to stay in the relationship it means you trust him and should stop snooping. If the bad feeling in your stomach does not go away then it's time to end the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2013):
 She is *not* a threat. She wants to be. She sized you up and tried a couple of petty moves, but the "I miss you buddy" and the "who the f*** are you" says it all.
He doesn't like her. He tolerates her, but she's actually looking kinda pathetic right about now. She played up her past association and used the "he never mentioned you" as a tactic to rattle you, but in truth, he didn't mention you because he simply isn't talking to her about himself.
I don't think you have anything to worry about. If anything, you can pity this clingy girl for barking up the wrong tree. Your boyfriend did the right thing in telling you that he would stop talking to her. He gave you the opportunity to tell him what she tried to do with you and you could request he delete her from his Facebook because her neediness and hostility to you could add baggage that you don't need in your relationship with him.
I think your boyfriend will comply with that. From everything you've mentioned to me, it sounds like he merely tolerates her, feels a little sorry for her, and that his friendship with her isn't any bit warmer than "distantly casual".
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 April 2013):
If she misses him that means they haven't seen each other, so it sounds like he's been true to his word. She does sound kind of weird though.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling so confused about this at the moment, it's a horrible feeling. As an outsider looking in, from what you've said it sounds like she is doing all the chasing. He is with you, and you know your relationship best. This is just advice for you, and you have to do what you feel is right, but wouldn't give her the satisfaction of causing any distress to you or your relationship. The more you question it, the more of an issue it becomes. Be polite and mature, your boyf knows she makes you uneasy, but I think if you rise above it, she'll back down. She may just be lonely, but it's natural for you to feel protective over what you've got. Be direct with your boyf, but give hm benefit of doubt if its her doing all the chasing. Good luck, and hope you feel better about it :)
...............................
A
female
reader, prettysweetgal +, writes (27 April 2013):
 You are not overreacting. Your worries are justified. The fact she is being so mean to you is really pathetic on her part. You are his girlfriend, not her. Shows the length some people will stoop to. Shows lack of character and decency on her part.But I would not confront her at all. It will only add fuel to the fire. Leave her out of it. This is between you and your boyfriend. The last thing you need to show her is that you are insecure and worried. This will only give her ammunition and will give her confidence that you are shaken and that your relationship with your boyfriend will suffer or crumble...and she will be there to pick up the pieces. I would totally ignore her. Everything she does or says, treat her as if she does not exist. She is not important. Girls like her are a dime a dozen.Instead talk to your boyfriend, tell him this girl is making you uncomfortable and that you would prefer he does not associate with her and remove her from his FB. If he really loves you, he should comply. If not, I would definitely wonder why he is not respecting your wishes as his girlfriend. She seems possessive as you say. There could be a reason for this. Is it because your boyfriend spends time with her that you are not aware of? Is it because he has been flirting with her? Encouraging her in some way? If so, he is having his cake and eating it. He may consciously or subconsciously like the attention she gives him. How is your relationship really? Do you spend enough time together? Do you pay attention to your boyfriend? Have you been together for awhile and maybe the honeymoon phase magic has worn off? Maybe there are some things you need to focus on in your relationship?Unfortunately, some people do not want to do the work in a relationship and look for a quick fix or ego boost elsewhere. This can be dangerous.I would definitely sit down with my boyfriend and talk openly about everything. Do not be afraid to be honest. Ask him where he really stands. And tell him he needs to distance himself from this woman. I believe that if a woman starts to become possessive, there is a big problem.Can you maybe go away with him for a weekend and spend some time together? Reconnect? Make him forget all about anyone else?Hopefully this works. I don't know the inner workings of your relationship but sadly there are some guys that seem happy but always need the reassurance of other women because they have low self esteem or need to feel special. And one woman is not enough.I would not confront her. Ignore her. If she ever talks to you or tries to bring you down, just be nice and show that she has no affect on you. Kill them with kindness. Works every single time. Flash her your biggest smile and do not let her see that you are upset. Never give your hand away to people like that who want to bring you down.But be open and honest with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel and see what he is willing to do to make you feel secure and loved.Good luck and take care.
...............................
|
