A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of two years has left the family home again for a few days to "clear his head" and to "sort himself out" and I'm bewildered! We have had discussions (not arguments) with one another recently as we understand the marriage is not as good as it could be, possibly down to my insecurity and his lack of emotional response to any issues. On Wednesday evening he told me he loved me and really wanted to sort out our relationship. On Thursday evening he had this brilliant idea.. he would go away for a few days to sort out his head so he could be a better person to support me. I suggested that working together would perhaps be a better solution and we could also consider a counsellor. We have a 5 year old child together and I think walking away from a problem rather than dealing with it together sets a poor example.He has left several times before (but not in the past few years). The only difference this time is that he has advised me before leaving and has kept in touch via mobile. I get upset when he leaves and it makes me feel physically ill as I do love him. However, please note I have not been difficult or argumentative. On the phone this morning, I tried to explain that I didn't feel like his behaviour was acceptable and explained how it made me feel and how it impacts the family (my youngest is really upset today). He started to get very defensive and basically pinned it back on me saying it was all about me and not him. I'm confused.. he left for a few days thinking time... phones me but does not expect any challenges from me? He says he loves me and wants to stay but thinks it's OK to leave when he's stressed and tired. What does "I want to think things through to become a better person for you" mean? I've been ultra careful not to react to negatively but I'm always walking on eggshells. He has said he does not want a divorce but his behaviour is defensive and giving off mixed signals. He is ex army and can switch off emotions very quickly, however, he can be very caring sometimes! I'm confused, hurt and just wondering whether the best thing to do is to walk away to salvage any heart I have left. Sorry for the length of this email and go easy on me... I'm crying while writing this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Honey he's out having fun and games while you're at home running the show and caring for your child.
He's a husband in name only. He's not a husband emotionally.
Leaving for a few days to "clear your head" is code for "I am a child. I want my way and I'm going to have it no matter what"
for all you know he's having a homosexual affair now. (probably not but what do you know... just proving a point you DON'T know what or who he's up to) so I would tread very carefully.
I would not let him touch you physically without a doctor's clearance of STDs. and if he BALKS at such a request, what does that say? he may be hiding something.
You love him so you won't do what needs to be done.
you should change the locks while he is off "thinking things through" so that when he comes home and tries to come in the house you can say "I was thinking too and I THINK we are better off apart"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Is he off seeing another woman when he does his disappearing act? I was just wondering? The marriage takes two too work at it and he sounds like he is leaving all the blame to you. HE IS ALSO to blame if you both feel there is something amiss in your marriage.He needs to grow up and take ownership of his own short falls here. God knows what affect his running out of the family home is doing to your child. If you cant persued him to go to councelling, then go by yourself. I have a funny feeling you are being blamed by him and you are taking it,but you know, its not all your fault, the same as it wont be all his fault.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): He cant or doesn't want to deal with you and the marriage issues that come with being in a relationship. Let him go. Your just headed into enemy territory with this man. Tell him when he comes home your going to be away for the next 50 years to rethink this screwed up marriage. Move out or change the locks and throw his stuff out. Enough is enough with this screwed up marriage. You deserve better, get a lawyer had have him forward the child support payments to the proper account. Get moving....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 April 2013):
 He is looking for an excuse to leave the marriage plain and simple...all the confusion and staying away is just smoke and mirrors.
Tell him that if he leaves, he won't be coming back and the court will give you the house for the sake of your child.
I loathe men who behave in this way...a real genuine guy would not do this to his wife and child.
I feel for you xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): I agree with the others, him going off for a few days isn't how you handle problems. I think if it continues like this, it will become more frequent & longer...putting more distance between you too. Do you even know where he goes?
You shouldn't have to live like this. I'd insist on counseling, if he refuses, you might want to tell him it's best he stays away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 April 2013):
 Let me see if my arithmetic is correct..... You have a "husband of two years".... and "... a 5 year old child together..."
So, that means that what you've described has been going on for FIVE years..... AND, your age is 41-50 (in your forties).... so, may I assume that HE is of about the same age??????
It would seem to me that there's been plenty of time for:
1. HIM, to grow up, and,
2. YOU, to see that he isn't going to do so.
My advice? Cut your losses and tell him to stay away, this time, and don't bother returning... because you aren't going to play his game any longer....
Good luck....
P.S. You may have to do a little more crying... but, it's worth it!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): agree with the others, it is hurtful and selfish behaviour that is not only affecting you but your child too.
It is not fair on you that he behaves this way, and I don't like the way he is trying to justify it, like it's for you benefit?!
Do you think he'd be receptive to counselling?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 April 2013):
 Hi
You know it makes me mad that he can just waltz off, leave you hanging and looking after everything while he supposedly prepares to come back a better person!
He is incredibly selfish.
I think when he returns *you* should go off for a few days, to get your head together, leave him not knowing what's what.
Do you know where he is, who with, what he is doing all day?
Don't take his calls, tell him you are using the time to decide if his behaviour is acceptable to you right now. He is hurting you,that's not what you do to people you love.If he wanted to talk to you he should have stayed home and solved the problems WITH you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): You are married to a selfish and irrational guy who could care about fairness. You two need to go to counselling. Next time things feel off - you go away for a few days to "think".
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