A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, hoping to get some objective feedback.My partner and I have been together for three and a half years, but have been in a long distance relationship for the past 1 year and 8 months (approx) and we have a two year old son who lives with me full time. (A bit of background...) When our son was born, (we were already in a LDR by then) we decided that it would make sense for him to move here, for us to rent a council flat and to save up until we could afford somewhere nice. He was finishing his last yr of uni, so we were looking at sept-oct time for this to happen; long story short, he phoned me up one day and said he wasn't ready to move in with us. I was annoyed, but i said ok, and i got a flat on my own. I was getting a bit worried about his indecisiveness about moving here, so I decided to do a childcare and education course at college, as the qualifications i have at present will Not land me a decent job, and I didn't want to be financially dependant on my boyfriend.Our new plan is for me to move to his town when I finish my course.OK, fast forward to the present day, and the other day, my boyfriend phoned me and said "i can't take long distance much longer, can't you transfer your college course?' I was a bit taken aback as it hasn't even been mentioned before. I said I'd look into options, but I don't know. It sounds like a reasonable request on paper, but moving my entire life and with a toddler is quite a big deal for me. When I told him that I think it'd be easier to stick out my college course where I was, he flipped out, calling me selfish, saying that everything wrong in our relationship is caused by me, that i need to grow up, and that if i want our relationship to continue I will have to start working around him. He then said "transfer your course or your dumped, how about that?!"He has since apologised profusely, but i'm still not over it. He still wants me to transfer, but I've still said I don't know. The things he said hurt me, but i'm also upset because he wants me to do what he was unwilling to. It all feels like its on his terms. The reason I said I'd move there is because he has a good job now, which pays well.My list of reasons for wanting to wait seem logical to me...1. we have little savings (and he is on the cusp of passing his driving test and wants to buy a car)2. I don't want to risk becoming a financial burden if I can't get work - which would only be able to be on weekends anywayw3. I don't want to leave my friends and family in a rush, I'd like the time to say goodbye properly4. We have not planned ANYTHING, he has not thought about it at all5. I don't want to have to do something just because he told me to, you know? Those are just off the top of my head.Do they seem like perfectly reasonable points, or does it sound like I am just digging my heels in?I don't want it to become a power struggle, ultimately our little boy needs to come first.If you have any other questions, or I think of anything else to add I will later.Thanks for your help :)
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 You have to stay where you are. You know this and your boyfriend doesn't that changing environments and instability are detrimental to kids especially in the first 5 years. Sometimes it can't be helped, but in this case, it very much can.
You already chose the college courses and working towards financial independence precisely because your boyfriend is flaky and you knew that depending on him financially would leave you vulnerable.
If he doesn't like the LDR situation, he needs to move to you. You have your son, and so you need to be the static partner here. His outburst, his ultimatum and threats, his past behavior only underscore that you need to stay where you are. If you cave and go to him, you will be abandoned and your son yanked from his environment, causing unnecessary stress. Not only that, but your family is also your son's family. That's your family network. You need them. He needs them.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up. His tantrums may well mean he's looking for an occasion to pick a fight and break up with you. However, you cannot leave. You must not leave. If you do, it will be cruel to your son and devastating to you.
If your boyfriend is this unstable, maybe it's time to make him your ex-boyfriend.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 April 2013):
 Hi
It just sounds like everything is unplanned, your in an LDR as he is away at Uni, your local and going to College. Add to that your son.
It seems like you haven't considered the fact your both parents with a son. You are both doing your thing, to make for a better future,for yourselves.
He has probably decided he can't be a partner or family while the distance is there,maybe there's temptation and he is spoken for but not near you, *he* wants to finish his course too.
It all sounds like he can't wait a few months and you don't really want to relocate. LDR's are hard but harder when you have a child.
Time to meet up and have a serious face to face talk and decide where you go from here.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 What kind of boyfriend talks like that? I won't get back together with him.
I think he wanted to dump you anyway, so he used that "I can't take long distance anymore" as an excuse. The first time when he bailed out on living with you, he was already thinking his way out.
My principal with dating is that when one is required to move, the relationship has to be absolutely solid with no breaks in between, there are no records of broken promises, and two people are getting married. Ideally one will not ever think about a divorce in the future but in case it happens, the man is willing and able to give you spousal and child support. You are not going to move there with your son and then have him dump you again on a whim.
I will say to him you see this coming and you will apply for child support for your son. If he wants to be in the child's life, visit him more often, he'd better live closer to you, because you ain't going nowhere.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 April 2013):
 "Sounds" to me like you've spawned with a man-child.... AND you're now enduring the consequences of that so-called "relationship".... which was sincere and meaningful for YOU.... but was pretty blase for him.....
Let him go on his own way.... and spend all you time and energy making the best life you can for you and your son...
This guy isn't worth one iota of your time.....
Good luck...
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