A
female
age
30-35,
*haoticExistance
writes:Please help before I do something I may regret. My fiance refused to let me talk to one of my closest friends because of some terrible things she did, and I of course told her to stop multiple times, but she "kept doing it." So finally, I stopped talking to her all together. I mean, if you love someone, you're not going to want to be around someone who makes their life a living hell, right? Well, I felt bad about the way I went about it, and cried to him numerous times, but he always told me about how I shouldn't want to be with her since she did these things, and that I was too forgiving, because she did "unforgivable" things. He also concluded that she was in love with me and that's why she was pushing him away, which, given that she relied on me a lot, I felt could have been true. Well, we got the internet back about four days ago, and I installed trillian yesterday. Trillian keeps logs of conversations titled the name of the user. Well, I was searching for a brush set I downloaded, and discovered her im screen name, so OBVIOUSLY I was really curious, especially considering... well here, I'll paste part of an email: Obviously, me having a vivid memory of all of your names, got curious because yesterday, when was hugging him before asking him if he wanted to go out, I saw a window popped up. I asked who it was, and he was like, "Uhhh... an old friend whom I'm struggling to remember the name of." I instantly chuckled and informed him it was you, and he was acting as if he was so disgusted, and minimized the window. And as it kept flashing, I asked him why he didn't close it out if he was going to ignore you, and he reluctantly closed out the window. When I came out of the shower, I noticed he quickly closed another window, so I told him I didn't mind if he was talking to you and he said he wouldn't want to. And I said, "Oh well... it just seemed like you got paranoid when I came in and saw it is all... because you kept ignoring her window." He was like, "Uhhh, well, I was talking to Leo." Then I responded, "Uh huh..."So... I just skimmed over it, and I saw where he mentioned closing it out because I saw, and yadda yadda... summary: He was talking to her behind my back, and didn't want me to know about it... Also, he's in contact again with an old flame, which didn't bother me until I saw he actually DOES lie to me. I always thought I was reading too into his expressions... but I guess I'm not as paranoid as I thought, huh?? Oh yeah, point is, part of a message I read made it seem like he was using her to get to the old flame, but if that were the case, why would he keep talking? I KNOW if I address it, that'd be his excuse....So... my question is, does it seem like I should be more than just a little upset that I ruined a wonderful relationship with this friend for a man who's going behind my back and lieing to my face? I honestly would have been happy to know he was talking to her again, because maybe after a while I could have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): This whole thing sounds VERY suspicious. And if I were you I would be a lot more suspicious about the way I view the whole thing.
Your boyfriend doesn't want you to talk to your best friend for X reason, or so he says. But he talks to her behind your back and lied to you about it??? I hate to break it to you, but it sounds to me like they might be doing something (or did do something) behind your back (yes, hooking up) and that's why he doesn't want you to talk to her. Cause he is afraid she will spill the beans.
You already know he is a liar. So what makes you think that the reason he gave for not wanting you to talk to your best friend is the REAL reason behind that? I personally think that they hooked up and THAT'S why he is trying to seperate you two. Actually I am almost positive.
If confronting him about it is only going to provoke more lying on his part and more excuses, I would go ahead and ask your friend about what's going on. And DON'T tell him that you are suspicious because he might then call your friend and threaten her or something. Just go directly to your friend, without telling him, and ask her if something's going on. All I can say is that this guy sounds SKETCHY and sounds like really bad news. You should really get to the bottom of this cause there is something really big happening behind your back that you don't know about.
A
female
reader, ChaoticExistance +, writes (17 August 2007):
ChaoticExistance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDJ8433, thank you for your advice. (Thank you all acutally).But he's been around a few girls that liked him and he's told them about me. And I know this for a fact, that he turned them down I mean. But then again, those could have just not been his type of girl. Sometimes, I wonder if the problem lies with me... I mean, I'm like every other woman on the planet, I don't have the best self-esteem... but I know that I'm a commited girlfriend. And I don't let him control me with who I can't and cannot choose to be my friend, but I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was constantly hurting him. But, maybe instead of just not being here when he gets home, I should hover why he's on the computer, and when he gets paranoid I should ask him what he has to hide. I don't know...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): Just set the record straight. Go up to him right now, and say "listen you lying hipocrate assface, why the hell are you talking to my ex best friend???"And after he has explained everything to you, dump him anyways for being such a double standarded hateful liar.
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A
female
reader, ...cat...  +, writes (17 August 2007):
well id b extremely upset if someone basically ordered me to stop talking to a friend and then was fine with them and talking to them behind my back!! especially if i was sad about losing their friendship!!i also be pretty annoyed that hes was talking to an old flame!! if i were u id sit down with him and find out whats going on!!!
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (17 August 2007):
 Your fiance should not be hiding anything from you. If he is, then get ready for a lifetime of "why am I always the last one to know". If you want to know if he's lying to you, or whether you can trust him, and this can apply to anyone. Know the answer to the question before you ask it. It sounds like I am saying "trap them" but I'm not. A trap means you catch them in a lie and let them know you caught them. If I caught someone in a lie, I would not confront them, but if I continue to catch them in lies, and they get about 3 chances with me, then I say goodbye. Why? Because I can't trust them. You might want to try a honey trap with this one. Set him up with a girl you know hitting on him, and see how far he will take it. If he loves you, he will say no thanks to her advances. I don't know about the relationship you have with your friend, but I would not let anyone tell me who I can and cannot talk to. If she is trying to interfere with your other relationships, then the same goes for her.
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