A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm coming up to my third anniversary with my girlfriend but recently I feel uncertain as to whether I truly trust her and I don't particularly know how to approach the subject. I hadn't really questioned my trust in her until a recent exchange with a former friend who I had lost touch with during the early stages of my current relationship. The friend asked about some strange behaviour he had noticed from my girlfriend, saying that when we first got together she'd ask him lots of strange questions about me as if she was fishing for information. At the time I didn't think anything of it other than perhaps she was just trying to get to know me... Even though it was odd as she had never met my friend yet was asking him questions online. Things then got a bit extreme and my girlfriend made lots of fake profiles, reaching out to me and people from my past. I can't remember how I felt at the time other than angry that she was trying to dig up old information which I wasn't ready to share with her. It wasn't malicious, more trying to find out everything about me - so we eventually moved past it, but never really discussed it. She also told me what I now presume to be lies about people attacking her and stalking her and I can't think why she'd lie about those things other than to get my attention and sympathy. I can't help but feel manipulated and now worried to speak to people online, because somewhere in the back of my mind I always wonder if it's her.I don't know why she did any of these things, or what she was trying to achieve. We soon moved past it and now it's long in the past, but it still bothers me. She doesn't know that I know everything, so for me to bring it up three years later isn't easy to bring into conversation. We're in a good relationship and I trust her never to cheat, but these other sides to her make me wonder if I even know her at all. Since we've been together I've very much lost touch of who I am and those who were closest to me, I couldn't say that's whether she manipulated me into making those choices or whether that's just where life has taken me. Recently she's been acting odd again and is constantly on her phone. I don't know what she's doing or who she's talking to, but at the most inappropriate times she's always doing something or messaging someone and I don't know who. I can barely talk to a friend without her having to know who it is, but she can speak and do as she likes. I very much love her but sometimes feel as if I have no choice but to stay. It makes me ill to think of being with anyone but her, but equally I don't know how to trust her again or whether I can carry on with so much uncertainty. Does anyone have any guidance on what I could do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): Have you move forward with this ?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 You really need to have good communication in a relationship, the both off you don't. You are both at fault here. Maybe you just need to sit down and tell her everything you just told us. You need to work this out together, it will not get solved if she does not know that there is a problem. You both need to talk about it, try and make the relationship work.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 August 2016):
 I'd like to add that apologising is important, so if she doesn't apologise for it, then she may have done it deliberately. Otherwise she could have been hurt in a prior relationship or life in general and just not known how to trust someone new.Try to bring it up nicely and just ask her how she feels about what went down. Do remember that most people change in that time and you'll need to figure out if you can trust who she is now, not who she was back then. You must love her for some reason, but don't stay if you can't trust her.Good luck, OP.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 August 2016):
I did similar things at the beginning of my relationship and it's because I was so used to not being interesting enough for anyone to be my friend, let alone these feelings I didn't know how to deal with. If my boyfriend asked me now, I'd be scared to admit it because I wouldn't want him to leave, but I wouldn't lie to him about it because it's the past and I made those mistakes back then, it's not who I am now.
Give them a chance to explain and see if they lie. If they do lie, then that's an issue. If they don't, maybe it's worth figuring out if you think they've changed. If they have, I'd consider forgiving her and truly moving on from it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2016):
 Seems like you two have severe communication issues. You mention more than once that something cropped up and then "you moved past it" but never discussed it. That isn't really true. You CHOSE to not confront her or TALK about it, but you haven't moved past it if it's this fresh in your mind.
WHY not be honest with her? Tell her like you wrote:
" I don't know how to trust her again or whether I can carry on with so much uncertainty."
A GOOD and HEALTHY relationship is build on trust, love, respect, values, morals etc.
You don't HAVE trust. It's like a house without a foundation.
YOU need to talk these things out. She might lie, she might throw a fit, she might try and manipulate you... BUT I think it's actually pointless to continue without having had a honest conversation.
You are not the least bit concerned that she made up stories? to get your sympathy? Doesn't it make you question what ELSE she lied about?
Doesn't it bother you that she creates FAKE profile to try and ferret out info about you instead of JUST asking you or accepting that you past IS the past and really none of her beeswax?
Don't be so desperate to HAVE a partner that you are OK with them lying to your face and being... well.. VERY VERY shady.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 August 2016):
 Everyone has their level of curiosity and mistrust. Digging information from your friends went beyond breaching your privacy. Not knowing social grace is one thing. To know that she got too nosy for her own good but yet can't control her impulse is very concerning. The one that should be asking, "should I be trusting?" is your girlfriend. She comes across as paranoid, OCD, and someone who can't stand not knowing, or think that the one with less information loses out. What I would be worried is not about cheating but her mental health. Someone with a tense psyche affects others around her.
To say that people were attacking her and stalking her is a symptom of paranoia too. If it's not, then she likes to gain attention and sympathy, and see how much you care.
I am inclined to think that she is not aware there's something wrong with her. Since you've been with her for three years, maybe it's your turn to find out how she turned out that way. Ask questions about her childhood and relationship pasts.
She needs more advice more than you do. Instead of digging information about you, she should be learning how to be at ease with the moment, and to have the confidence that she can confide in you. You can't be her therapist but whatever her problem is, it's on her. All you can do is create boundaries and not let her affect your friendships with people. I am sure your friends and family, if they are sensible people, would tell her in a nice way, that it's basically none of her business.
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