A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 32 yrs old and still living at home with mom. I'm not completely a momma's boy... but I do love her a lot. Hey she'll always be my #1 girl. Well my parents have been divorced for along time and I've always been the man of the house. I'm not a mooch, I pay rent and maintain the household... like fixing things around the house when they break down etc. Now Mom recently has been disabled and I feel the need to take care of her and help her out with the house more... but I'm 32 ... should I be out of the house and on my own?Financially I'm ok... I could build more a safety net for myself. At times I feel like I should move out... but when I think of it... I feel guilt and selfish about leaving her on her own because she has sacrificed so much for me as a single mother. I feel that I too can stick in there a bit longer and take care of her until her situation gets better.I'm not in a relationship right now... I have been and the woman I've dated understood my situation and praised me for it... but at times I feel less of a man. But like they say.. you can tell a lot about a man... by the way he treats his mother... and I do care for my mother a lot.but I just want to know people's opinion on my situation? Should I feel like less of man because I'm not on my own yet? If you heard about my situation... would you date a guy like me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): "My parents have been divorced for a long time and I have always been the man of the house." "She will always be my number 1 girl."You my friend have issues. And the above statements are where they lie. I think you need to get some counseling, it is not normal for you to have been living with your mother clear up to the age of 32, only recently has she become disabled, so that is not the reason you are still living there.Your Mom needs to let you go to be your own man, and you need to take yourself off the hook as the "man of the house". You weren't the man of the house, you were the child and for her to allow you to take on adult problems as a child and be her emotional support is a form of incest...and it did not serve you well.I would never date you. I don't think you are a lost cause or even a bad person, your motivations are genuine, not sticking around for the money you will inherit when she goes, but out of true concern.Your mom probably has other options. She may be able to hire a in home nurse who can better care for her than you do. She may need to consider moving into assisted living quarters, but you do not OWE your mother the sacrifice of your own happiness and life a family of your own if that is what you want for yourself. No one is going to tell you otherwise, but I am telling you, you need some help.Otherwise you will NEVER have a significant other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): I'd happily date you :) But yes, I do see the point that you could as well have had your house and had your parent stay with you...
But yes, you do sound emotionally mixed up. And you need to sort that out.
Taking care of your parent is not bad at all. Staying with her is also okay.
But this fact that you feel you owe her because she 'sacrificed so much for you' sounds like codependence rather than love. It is not all your fault. This is what happens when single parents, like your mom, give up their own life for the child... Now you are on the same track. You feel you owe her because she sacrificed.
Deal with these feelings first... I agree with anon male poster. And I'd stay from women such as honeypie or mariclaire (no offense to either) who think taking care of a disabled mom is too much for them. Its good that they are upfront about it.
Emotionally speaking, for you: I don't think questions like, who'll be number one or who comes first should be asked in life... Why are you putting numbers on people? All people you love come first! You will have take your mom into account when you are taking major decisions. There is nothing wrong with that. But don't even think that "she'll be my number 1 girl". There is no comparison between a spouse and a mom. Just as there should be any comparison between a child and a spouse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): I think you are doing a great thing... don't listen to any of these girls... a girl that doesn't understand your family situation doesn't deserve you. You thinking of moving out is good.. it's not by choice but because of the situation your in and mother is in. She sacrificed a lot for you, as all parents do. When yo do move out, I hope you stay close to your mom, so that you can maintain your responsiblities as a good son.
Kudos to you. Any woman would be proud and happy to have you. A true family man, not many guys out there that I know put their families first and have a big heart as you do. Keep up the good work and hope things get better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2010):
 I think you need to do what feels right for you, whether it is living with your mom or moving out on your own.
To be honest, I would never date a guy who is still living at home in his 30's. But that is a personal preference. I have always liked my men to be independent. And this is not about me, but you and your girl friend. If she has no problem with this arrangement, then neither should you. However there might come a time where you need to cut the apron strings and move out on your own.
The thing is... YOU can get your own place and still take care of your mother. Unless she of course is severely handicapped, but then what? You would expect a women to move in with you and your mom and take care of your mom too?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Let me tell you how screwed up society has made people think in America. I recently got out of a year long relationship with someone for various reasons..the main reason she cited was that I was mad at her all the time..she never mentioned the little digs she would give to me that caused the anger though..she was a single girl, 32 years old and living about 1.5 hours away from me in the big city..I live in the suburbs, own my own house, and have a really respectable job..I do most everything on my own..I cook, do my own laundry, take care of the house...my immediate family happens to live down the road about two miles away..we do the sunday dinners, my brothers are always around on the weekends , ect..I value having my support system close by..after speaking about her moving up she started to get cole feet and say things like "not everyone lives like you with there parents close by" and " i want to have my own life someday so maybe you would consider moving furthur from your family"..she also made statements like "If we are together long term ,am I going to have to come to Sunday dinner all the time"..her family lives all over the place..brother in one state, parents 5 states away, ect..long story short, people have become so messed up from the notion of "living on their own" and "creating their own life", that they lose who they are..they have no idea what it up or down..so what happens is the create a "fake family" that contains random aquaintences, friends that come and go, and very shallow realtionships..stick with your mom until you are ready and , if you meet someone, they are going to have to accept the whole package..you sound like a great guy and your loyalty to your mom should indicate to any worthy woman that you are stable and trustworthy!
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A
female
reader, curious0hot +, writes (4 February 2010):
 When you should move out of the house is a matter of personal opinion.
In some families, children don't move out until they are married, no matter how old they are.
It seems that you feel it is time for you to move on and out. You work, so I assume your mother doesn't require around-the-clock care. You can still be there for her while in your own place.
"If you heard about my situation... would you date a guy like me?"
I would date you, but would not make serious moves (like sex) until you got your own place.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (4 February 2010):
A loser is one who stays at home with his mother but doesn't make any contribution towards paying bills and the maintenance of the home. So far you are doing a brilliant job and 32 is still pretty young enough to start your own life some day; men are never over the hill.
But I would be concerned about long term planning of your situation. You dont say how old she is or the severity of her disability. As she gets older there are things you won't be able to do for her. If her disability is progressive she may not be getting 100% the care she needs from you; is she able to clean herself properly? I mean in all the places a son cannot see? Is she fully continent or does she need adult liners to stay dry? What kind of diet and medication is she on? Does she get to exercise, get her hair washed etc. Depending on how dependent she is, you may need to start looking into retirement communities and places that offer the kind of care she needs. You can have her close by and visit daily if you feel guilty about making such a decision; her house can pay for a lifetime of care. If you were a daughter who could shuffle her mother off to the toilet or wash out her bedpan then I would say stick with it. But even if you were willing, most women would feel humiliated to have a son get into some of their personal business. So once again, welldone for your care and love for her... Perhaps you might meet a woman who is understanding and caring enough to continue this journey with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): In some cultures you never really move out... its expected that many generations live together. Older people like children, and little kids benefit from having them around. They also provide stability to the young adults like you...
It may not be so where you are... but I understand that now in Europe too, parents are acquiring importance again... That is how it should be. Children and older people are the most vulnerable population groups. And just as single parents when dating ensure that they find someone who can accept a package deal, so can you... YOu have to be careful that you are not unfair to your partner either.. But its not wrong or funny or odd
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 You are so good...I have no right word to say, but saying this, that you have wisdom to value your mother's sacrifice. You must stay with her, because she valued you as son, and do everything, your life required.
To look after mother or even father... is morally good. Any female of same understanding can date with you, because there is nothing wrong in your choice in living with mother, under special circumstances. right?
Please accept my all good wishes.
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