A
male
age
36-40,
*ay3532
writes:is it better to be a more controlling type bf or a more 'freedom giving' bf ?I ask this because sometimes i get sick and tired of guys flirting/commenting/ and generally being rude disrespectful to my relationship and to my girl (if they flirt on purpose FULL KNOWING that she is my girl), so at times i tend to tell my gf '' im sick of seing these dudes do this and that, delete that comment, or block him, or tell me if they pvt msg u and try flirt '' etc or i usually tell them to piss off if they overstep the mark. I NOTICE that when i act like this in a more controlling manner towards my relationship, the relationship tends to stay steady/balanced and more trust , however if i am more freedom giving and let my gf chat to whoever or people comment/try flirt with her all over her fb (mostly guys) my insecurities and trust issues flare,and not only that her actions flirting etc tend to seep out, (only very tiny bit) nothing EXTENSIVE that would damage our relationship. I guess what im getting at is, it seems that being abit more controlling/dominant towards the female in a relationship, is a must, if one wishes to keep things in 'check'. Anyone disagree or have experience in this? as you can tell by the way i type and talk i do study psychology and human behavior, however my gf is not a test subject lol just making observations and seeing how some actions are more better outcomes when used in accordingly to a situation. any got any input or experience in this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): If you say you study psychology, then read the well-known book "Choice Theory" by William Glasser.it's a book about how, when you try to control people to get them to do what you want, you destroy their trust and emotional investment in you. And similarly, if people try to control you, you will lose trust and investment in them. Such relationships are just hanging by a thread ultimately, bound by necessity (like a relationship between boss and employee where the employee needs the job and so puts up with the boss' controlling ways), or by obligation (like a marriage where there are kids involved), or by need (like a relationship where one partner is financially dependent on the other and can't leave). The relationship may continue on in some form indefinitely, but the quality of it is really deteriorated by control. Ultimately, one of the parties (the one being controlled) will be looking for an escape route when they've had enough.It's OK to dislike and resent your boss, no one says you HAVE to like your boss in order to still work with them and benefit from it (like getting a paycheck). But intimate relationships should always be voluntary. You want your partner to be with you because she wants to be, not because she has no choice and no other options, right? How then, does being controlling (which is basically forcing her to do things she doesn't want to do) going to make her feel like this relationship is something she still wants to be a part of? quite the opposite - it will make her feel like it's a damper on her life.similarly, if you give your gf freedom and not control her, and she goes off doing all sorts of things that hurt you and drive you nuts...well then I say is this really the kind of person you should be in a relationship with in the first place?? Someone who, left to their own devices, would want to do things that hurt you? And who may still do it anyway the minute your back is turned and you're not controlling her for a second.You should pick a person who shares your overall philosophies and values to be your partner. Don't pick someone who has a totally different set of values and priorities from you, and then wonder why she's not doing the things you want, why she's behaving in ways you don't want. And then try to change her to fit your mold. she may endure it for now, but there wouldn't be a very bright future for this relationship if it's going to continue to be like this indefinitely.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): First off, you ultimately have no control over your girlfriend IF she were do some day decide she doesn't want to allow you to control her anymore. So you're giving yourself a false sense of security that your control-tactics "work" to keep your relationship "in balance." they do but only superficially and temporarily. And besides, you may be able to control her actions to some degree but you can't control her thoughts - she may still be *thinking* about doing things you don't like, and thoughts can still lead to actions in future. Thus, if your inner well-being is based on this assumption that you can control her, it's a shaky foundation to be on."I NOTICE that when i act like this in a more controlling manner towards my relationship, the relationship tends to stay steady/balanced and more trust , "Then this is a sign that you're in a dysfunctional relationship. A relationship in which you have to be controlling of your partner in order for YOU to feel steady/balanced/trusting, is not a healthy one."however if i am more freedom giving and let my gf chat to whoever or people comment/try flirt with her all over her fb (mostly guys) my insecurities and trust issues flare,and not only that her actions flirting etc tend to seep out, (only very tiny bit)"So the problem is not that you have to be controlling, it's that you've chosen to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't WANT of their own accord to behave as if they are in a relationship. Or the problem is that YOU are insecure. Again...a relationship in which you have to be controlling of your partner in order for you to feel OK, is not a healthy relationship. There is some deeper underlying issue whether it's with her or you." nothing EXTENSIVE that would damage our relationship."Relationship are most often damaged by "small" things repeated a million times, or the small things are actualyl symptomatic of something deeper. If it's bothering you enough to write into an anonymous forum for advice, I'm thinking it's probably bothering you more than you'd like to admit. I don't mean to be alarmist, just REALISTIC. being in denial doesn't help solve the problem." I guess what im getting at is, it seems that being abit more controlling/dominant towards the female in a relationship, is a must, if one wishes to keep things in 'check'."Again, a relationship where YOU have to externally control your partner to 'keep things in check' is an unhealthy relationship. A healthy relationship is where you trust your partner enough (because you are trusting, and she is trustworthy) that you do not feel the need to externally control her. External control is always detrimental to a relationship to some degree depending on how often and how central it is to the relationship. It is a symptom of breakdown in communication, compatibility, values, trust. it is a band-aid to mask these underlying issues. And it has side effects: if your partner wasn't willing to do things on her own accord (like not flirting with other guys) then being controlling to her to 'make' her stop, doesn't change the fact that she STILL wants to be flirting around. Where there are ongoing thoughts, there's always the possibility of it leading to action in the future. So you have to constantly be vigilant and keep up the control tactics, like you say - keep thing in check. As time goes on, month after month, year after year, this wears down the trust and intimacy in the relationship. Being controlling further reinforces your own insecurity because you feel that being controlling, "works" to make you feel OK in the moment because this time when you were controlling your gf stopped flirting around, so you will be reinforced for that kind of behavior and will tend to keep on doing it in future even when your girlfriend doesn't like it. it's easy for controllingness to take over a relationship or marriage. What could initially be an acceptable level for your gf to tolerate, might over time escalate into something that makes her really resent you.Again, you obviously have problems in your relationship, otherwise you wouldnt' feel the need to control your gf's behavior. You should try to work on those issues in a more cooperative and healthy way, not resort to negative tactics that just are a band-aid but don't really address what's going on.
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A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (20 June 2012):
You don't ever want to be controlling. You want to find someone who shares your same viewpoints on the boundaries of a relationship.You are not being insecure in my opinion by not likeing your girlfriend flirting with men. You can not keep men from approaching your girl and wanting to flirt with her to see if they have a chance. That's life, feel lucky you are with a girl that other men want and she wants you.But, if your girl is not shutting them out when they start to flirt with her and she flirts back, well then you have to decide if this behavior is exceptable for you and your boudaries of a relationship.Your girl can talk to anybody she wants just like you can, but when conversations turn flirty, sexual in nature, that is not exceptable to you, or in many other peoples relationships.Too each his or her own on this viewpoint. Heck on an extreme some couples don't mind the other actually having sex with other people (swinging). Just because one once to do something and the other does not, does no make you insecure.Stand by your beliefs and what you feel is right for you. That way you will be happy, and end up with the person that respects your feelings and shares your same beliefs in relationship boudaries.So talk to her and let her know how you feel. Based on her future actions you decide if this is the relationship for you.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2012):
 Ya know there is a fine line between being “hands on” proactive and controlling…
If my fiancé said to me that he’s sick and tired of OTHER people flirting with me I’d not be happy. I have NO CONTROL over what other folks do. How can I? I can only control my own behaviors and actions.
And to be honest I love a good flirt and when I have someone who flirts back, it’s even more fun. My fiancé once said he can’t ask me to stop flirting as that is much like asking me to stop breathing…
YOU telling her to delete comments YOU don’t like is controlling and over the top. Telling her to block people because YOU want her to is also out of line. IF they private message her then to be honest it’s PRIVATE and if she WANTS to tell you then that’s fine.. but for you to DEMAND it is wrong.
YOU telling them to piss off is also NOT YOUR PLACE unless she has asked you to do it…
The only reason the relationship seems more controlled and balanced to you is that you are not feeling insecure. This is ALL ABOUT YOU not her. You feel insecure and nervous and jealous. This is about your lack of self esteem NOT her.
The fact that you think that this is a male vs female issue is interesting because it’s not… it’s an issue that is happening because YOU are insecure.
You don’t need to “keep things in check” in a mature adult relationship where both partners are secure with themselves and the relationship.
BTW I can’t see in any way shape or form from what you say that you “study psychology and human behavior”… in fact, just the opposite… you are basing your assumptions on your own personal belief system and needs not what is normal and healthy. A normal healthy adult relationships is NOT controlling in any way shape or form, just the opposite in fact.
I strongly suggest that in order to continue this relationship with her you get into some counseling with a therapist that can specialize in self-esteem and trust issues as it does not appear to me that she is doing anything untrustworthy based on what you have written here so far (although I’m sure that if there is more that you left out you can update us and with updated information I can revise any statements that need revising)
BUT as it stands now with what you have written, your premise is flawed and will eventually lead to her not wanting the halter and blinders on (i.e. she will stop tolerating your controlling behavior and leave you)
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