A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I´ve got this problem almost year and a half, since I´ve been dating my bf. The problem is, he´s stayed a very good friends with his ex. They chat on internet very often, she called him when her boyfriend after mine broke up with her and she wanted him to comfort her..she´s still writes him about her problems etc. He´s too good to reject her. But I´m still worried because he´s stopped telling me about her,because it bothers me. That´s why I started doing such a stupid thing as reading his chats with her so I know they go taking their dogs out together (my bf and her ex are from the same town and i´m from different) so when he goes visit his parents they usually meet and go out with their dogs for a walk. It really bothers me but I can´t say anything to him because if I don´t read his chats with her secretly, I wouldn´t know, and I can´t tell him I read it. What should I do? Should I be mad at him? He thinks it´s normal to be friends with ex because almost all his friends stayed good friends with their exes while in my group of friends noone stayed friends after break ups. Thanks for advices
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): it's a good thing to stay friends with an ex if both people are completely over each other. The more friends you have in your life, the better.but if one or both of them aren't completely over each other, then staying friends is a bad idea because it could lead to them re-kindling their relationship which wouldn't be a bad thing if there weren't other people involved, such as you. It's also bad if it turns into this situation where he's keeping her as a back up in case things don't work with you which is self-defeating for your relationship. seeing as how he's supposed to be in a relationship with you, it's not a good idea for him to be good friends with her if they're not completely over each other. I don't know which of the two situations it is with him and her. I think you need to talk to him about this. Of course, it's possible that if it were the second situation (not over each other) he could lie and tell you it's the first. I think you just need to be completely honest with him in a non-threatening way about your insecurities and then observe how he deals with that information. the thing is, I don't believe we should have the right to tell our partners who they can and can't be friends with. Our responsibility is to be open and honest about our feelings and reasonable in our requests, and then trust our partners to make decisions that don't hurt us. If your partner chooses to do something that hurts you, that means he's not someone who is good for you and you need to know that. and you can't know that unless you allow him the freedom to choose what he wants to do.
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Ex's are ex's for a reason, they should not be good friends. You should be able to talk to your boyfriend, not have to snoop to find what he is doing. And he shouldn't have just kept the conversations from you. What could that possibly solve...? My girlfriend is bothered by my ex girlfriend being my friend so let's ignore it. Makes no sense. You need to talk to him about it again. It doesn't matter what was specifically said in their convos so it doesn't need to be brought up, you do know he is still talking to her and he isn't hiding that fact right? So what is being said doesn't matter. If he is hiding it from you and claiming he doesn't speak to her anymore you have a whole new set of issues... Tell him you cant do it anymore, you tried to deal with it but you are very uncomfortable with him having such a close friendship with an ex, you can't be in a relationship like this and you are sorry. Don't demand he choose you, he needs to do that on his own. At that point it is his choice, her or you. Be fully prepared to leave if he does choose her. I can't imagine you would ever be happy in a relationship knowing she was more important and came before you, that he was willing to let you go before her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2012):
 I agree that staying friends with an ex is not a good idea.
FRIENDLY yes... but not friends.
IF you can't talk to him about it, then I am afraid you will have to end the relationship.
If you have told him it bothers you and all he did was stop telling you about it, then he's telling you that SHE is more important than YOU.
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