A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I stop my mother ruining my relationship?I am currently living at home with my mother and my boyfriend. The situation is probably not the best considering both me and my partner are in our early 30's but due to lack of money neither of us can afford a place together just yet.However my Mum seems intent on causing as much trouble as possible. She tries to pick holes, nags at every possible opportunity and always seems to be able to find things wrong with our relationship. She is determined to get us to split up, and when one thing doesn't work, she tries a different tactic. The atmosphere is horrible some days, and by boyfriend has now taken the attitude that he does not want a relationship with my mum. He now no longer feels welcome, or able to relax in any way, because of the veiled comments and horrible vibes. I love him. He is the first man in my life to make me feel loved, special and wanted. I have always been very close to my mum, but now this is just pushing us apart. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy again, with a happy mum and a happy life. Sadly, I do not think this will ever happen whilst I am seeing someone. She seems to only want it to be me and her.I need help, and I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Hi
I would go to the University and ask for help to find alternate accomodation,they can help.As your paying rent to your mum and for all the food plus bills,you can afford somewhere together. If it means getting a loan for a deposit or moving into Halls at least you will have defused the situation with your mum and kept your boyfriend
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Also if it was your mother's idea, it does not mean that it was a good idea to begin with.
Living together is difficult, even with the most beloved members of your own family. Add to the mix someone who is comparatively a stranger , and tons of tension and strife will come to the forefront, particularly if that happens in the house of someone that got used to have the run of the house, and enforce her own set of rules , her schedule, lifestyle etc...Haven't you noticed how sometimes family relationships magically improve when there's some physical distance and every party reigns in her/his own turf ?
I don't think necessarily your mother has a problem with your boyfriend as such, maybe she has a problem with changing her ways and her "rules " for a newcomer. Maybe she shouldn't have a problem,maybe she should be more generous accomodating, ... then again, that's debatable too. I mean, like, she hogs the TV and that's not nice, then again that's her house and her TV, I can't totally blame her if she thinks " Buy your own TV then you can watch all your favourite programs ". Not generous maybe, but totally logic.
As for " my mom does not want me to move out ... " hey, you are in your 30s !, do you HAVE to do all what your mother says ?...
My mother would not " want " me to use a dryer to dry my laundry,:).... just to name one of a few dozen things she would not "want " me to do because in her mind she knows better. I still do anything I want. I am an adult, I thank her for her input, but then I do whatever suits me better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI came here for advice, not abuse! Firstly to all those who think I am a free-loader,
we both pay rent and contribute to bills.
I buy ALL the food.
It was mums idea for him to move in after his mum died.
We are both finishing postgrad degrees at university.
She has total control over the tv remote.
Mum does not want me to move out. We had a blazing row when i said we were going to start saving for a deposit on our own place
we are involed in chores, cooking, and other things.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 November 2012):
Hi
You don't say how long you have been stopping with your mum or how long till you can leave.Nor how come your both there in the first place.What contribution do you make and are you both working?
Your mum can have who she wants in HER home, your boyfriend has outstayed his welcome.Your lucky your there and not on the streets or in a Hostel.
I wouldn't like a stranger in my home, not for any length of time.Even my family would have to be making firm plans to move on.
Its her frustration at having you there, so why not suggest your fella moves in with his folks so you and your mum don't fall out permanantly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): I think enough has been said, your boyfriend needs to move out and I dont agree with you and your boyfriend freeloading. I definately would a man for daughter that can support her and at least put a roof over your head. Did it ever occur to you that your mum is just looking out for your interest. I believe in live but you cannot live on it. So you and your boyfrend need to take responsibility and just maybe your mum will have respect for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Maybe its time to recognise your boyfriend may have outstayed his welcome. You and he should now go and foist yourselves on his mother for a change of scenery.
Is your boyfriend making himself at home or is he mindful of the fact he is living in somebody else's home and he needs to respect their place and their space?
Whose paying all the bills, are the utilities being split three ways, the rent, the upkeep, who supplies the sheets and towels, who is washing them and pays for the laundry soap? Is your mother able to relax in front of her TV and watch her programs, are you and he sharing the provision of food and eats and snacks. Are you and he filling her fridge up with your crap, leaving little room for anything she might want to put in there. Does he help himself to food without thought that your mother may have had plans for it?
Have you set an exit date or is your mother supposed to just put up with the pair of you there for ever and ever? Are you budgetting wisely, putting away as much as possible to speed up the moving out process or are you spending money on non essentials, booze and video games or electronic equipment or the latest must have phone?
If you cant afford to live together that is not your mother's problem, its yours and your boyfriends, if your relationship is so rocky it wont survive without your mothers material support hey, guess what, its doomed. She is under no obligation to support, or house, either of you, I will always give my kids a home but am not quite so forgiving when it comes to other people. They are not my own you see, and regardless what people say, when you have somebody else living in your home you have to adapt and change your lifestyle in some shape or form.
Give your mother back her lifestyle and move your boyfriend out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): "How do I stop my mother ruining my relationship?"
Stop expecting her to provide free (or cut rate) room and board for the legal stranger with whom her daughter is shacking up under her roof, and stop being financially dependent on her, in that order.
"[My] boyfriend has now taken the attitude that he does not want a relationship with my mum."
Then he should not continue to accept her hospitality as a
guest in HER home.
"I love him. He is the first man in my life to make me feel loved, special and wanted."
In other words, he SAYS all the things you want to hear, but DOES absolutely nothing for you while your mother pays the freight for the both of you. No wonder why she's actively trying to undermine him in order to get him out of HER house.
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