A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles. I recently read an article by Tracy McMillan entitled “Why You’re Not Married” at the Huffington Post website. The article got me thinking. The author listed 5 reasons for why a man wouldn’t marry a woman, (let’s say it’s you for instance). 1. You’re a Bitch2. You’re a Slut3. You’re a Liar4. You’re Shallow5. You’re Selfishand…..6. You’re Not Good EnoughI have a good relationship with my boyfriend of two years. I love him dearly. I feel like we’re headed toward marriage, but we’re taking it slow. We haven’t discussed it between us yet, as we are cautious people, but we hint at aspects of “the married life”. I don’t want to be married for the wedding. I want to be bonded to my best friend. Maybe, just maybe, raise a couple rug rats if we’re ready. So here is my concern. I look up to my guy. I daresay believe sometimes that he’s too good for me. I don’t resent him in this way, I just get nervous that he may realize he’s better than me and move onto someone else. I know it’s all in my head. I try to limit my apologies for my perceived shortcomings to a minimum, as I DON’T want to influence him to think that. I am conflicted however. Should I profess to him my worries and be honest with him that I don’t think I’m good enough, as I can be honest with the one I love? OR should I keep mum about my shortcomings and stop apologizing so that I appear as marriage material?Your opinions and advice? I want to be good enough for him to want to be with me for the long haul. Thanks!
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best friend, liar, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, emochick27 +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Give your man more credit than that if he's with you it's because he wants to be. If he had any doubts about being with you then you would be able to tell as well as if he thought you had any shortcomings. I would just go on and be happy with him like you are because the easiest way to push him away is by being insecure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Apologies...You weren't reading a self-help book, but an editorial article; someone else's opinion which you have adopted as your own.
I guess my point is, if you are even thinking about marriage, you should probably acknowledge that your faith in your marriage will probably be tested by much more then an editorial. If someone's opinion in the Huffington Post literally makes you feel unworthy, then no, you probably shouldn't get married. You might want to get counseling though. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): If you can quote 6 reasons out of a self-help book why people don't get married and then insist you can't get married for reason #6, it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't "good enough for him," it means that you found a convenient reason in a book not to get married.
If you have ambivalence about getting married, just admit you're afraid of marrying your boyfriend...but don't scrounge for reasons to call yourself unworthy in a self help book...it's a bit of a narcissistic thing to do.
If you want to insist your shortcomings make you unworthy to be with him, (even though he has put up with them for 2 years), then it sounds like you're deeply insecure and you look for reasons to put yourself down.
Please don't tell him you're "not good enough" for him. It's a melodramatic and selfish thing to say. It implies he doesn't have a valid opinion about what's good enough for him. And there's nothing "honest" about saying that, because it's not true, false, or fact; it's unfortunately your opinion.
If you want to be honest about your anxieties about marriage, then bring it up as a two way conversation, don't use it as an opportunity to look for reassurance from him. Ideally marriage is a partnership between individuals, not a crutch for one.
If you still insist you're not good enough to be married, then you probably should end the relationship and find someone who you think deserves you....whoever that might be.
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A
male
reader, kjtluc555 +, writes (25 February 2011):
I think you should definitely talk to him about it. If he really loves you, he won't care and he'll think you're perfect the way you are(something along those lines). If he decides you aren't good enough, he had no business dating to you in the first place. So talk to him. God bless you :D
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A
female
reader, animexcoolness +, writes (25 February 2011):
A lot of people wait longer than two years before they even think about marriage. It's not surprising to me that you've been thinking about it but you shouldn't think that just because it hasn't come up more that you're not good enough for him. Just relax and enjoy the relationship. If he starts to believe that he's too good for you, he'll let you know. But he may never think that, so it's not good to jump to that conclusion. Be confident in yourself, and don't worry about it until you've been dating for 5 years with no talk of moving on.
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