A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't tell if I'm over reacting about this situation and I'd really appreciate some insight.Here's a bit of a back story... Late '16, early '17 I met this guy and we really liked one another to the point where we started developing a semi-serious relationship. Coincidentally though, some months in and we both faced family issues and both became in the wrong frame of minds to pursue our relationship. Topped with the looming fact we'd both be spending 4-5 months apart over Summer, we mutually agreed to be friends when things were good between us, rather than things turning sour. What we had was special, and we agreed that if it were to organically fall back into place when/if we were reunited, great. If not, that was also fine and we'd just appreciate the memories, but for the time being we'd go our separate ways and just see.Now here's my dilemma, during our time apart myself and a mutual friend of ours started spending a lot of time together. We were both sad and lonely, and ended up kissing a few times. It wasn't passionate or sensual, it was just that, some kisses. Before we kissed we both had a mutual understanding that neither of us were interested in anything sexual so we both knew it was never leading anywhere. We kissed, there was no spark, we talked about it and agreed it was weird and to carry on as we'd always been. I think because we were both lonely, we took comfort in one another and then realised it was just really weird. It didn't affect our friendship, and we've put it in the past.Low and behold though, when I'm reunited with the guy I'd previously been seeing, organically we became as we were, and stronger than we'd been. But now I'm now faced with the guilt of kissing a mutual friend and wanting to be upfront about it before/if we get into a relationship - but being told I'm not able to. I have told him that I kissed someone, and he said he doesn't mind. He also told me he hooked up with someone, which I don't mind about as we weren't together, or even speaking. Though I haven't told him who I kissed, equally the person he hooked up with could have very well also been a mutual of ours, how am I to ever know? Our mutual has told me he doesn't feel comfortable me telling him, and I respect that, but equally I feel bad because I like to be an honest person. If somehow he found out and was mad or upset that I hadn't told him, that'd be heart-wrenching as from the get go I wanted to be open about it. Equally, if I do tell him, our mutual has the possibility of being chastised and shunned from our friendship circle as our other friends see me somewhat as a possession to the guy I'm now seeing again. It's all sorts of wrong, but I know he'd get a lot of backlash and that wouldn't be fair. It feels selfish of me for wanting to be honest with the risk of someone else's livelihood at stake - does that sound like a fair assumption to make?Is our mutual right in that I should just leave it in the past and move on, or is it wrong of us to keep it between us? No on else knows, so some insight would be so helpful as to what I should do.Long story short - I kissed my friend, should I tell my current partner?
View related questions:
kissing, move on, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (6 September 2017):
DON'T TELL HIM.While you were apart , and out of a relationship, you are allowed to do with your life as you please. You should not be telling him every single detail of what you did. Yes, if you had sex, that could be important. But if it was just kissing with a guy that was equally sad, and in a bad situation, I think it's OK for you not to tell him. He also kissed someone else, so there you go, you are all even, it's no problem with that.It's OK wanting to be very honest, but you are not going to be hiding stuff not to hurt your BF; you want to hide things not to hurt the guy you kissed. You both were sad and depressed, there was no spark, no nothing. I don't see a problem not telling anyone about that. If he ever finds out, yes, tell him that the other guy asked you not to tell, and remind him it was just kissing, no spark, no nothing, just sad persons seeking comfort. There is no crime in here, so you don't need to worry about anything.Best luck!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2017):
 You told him you kissed someone end off story, he could have asked if he wanted but he choose not to. Now lay it to bed because you will only cause a big fall out if you go stirring the pot.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2017):
 You've said all you need to. You broke up, and you kissed someone else while apart. You got back together, and then told him. DONE.
Leave it alone! There's no reason you need to tell details. Your mutual friend's not going to get shunned out of the friend group.. for what?! Kissing another single person?? Please.
If in the future, you're still with the love of your life, and he ever asks you if this other guy was the one you kissed (which I don't think is going to happen, since he doesn't care!), don't lie to him. But there's no need to volunteer that information.
I think you're dealing with a little bit of jealousy that he hooked up with someone else while you were apart (which is a lot farther than kissing), and you want to "even" the subconscious hurt and jealousy by playing up what you did while you were apart, and giving the person your kissed your friend's name you hope to twist it in a little bit more.
STOP THAT!
Let it go. You both broke up. You're both back together. Enjoy who you are together. Don't get all weird because he was briefly with someone else. It happens, and now you have each other again!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2017):
You've said all you need to. You broke up, and you kissed someone else while apart. You got back together, and then told him. DONE.
Leave it alone! There's no reason you need to tell details. Your mutual friend's not going to get shunned out of the friend group.. for what?! Kissing another single person?? Please.
If in the future, you're still with the love of your life, and he ever asks you if this other guy was the one you kissed (which I don't think is going to happen, since he doesn't care!), don't lie to him. But there's no need to volunteer that information.
I think you're dealing with a little bit of jealousy that he hooked up with someone else while you were apart (which is a lot farther than kissing), and you want to "even" the subconscious hurt and jealousy by playing up what you did while you were apart, and giving the person your kissed your friend's name you hope to twist it in a little bit more.
STOP THAT!
Let it go. You both broke up. You're both back together. Enjoy who you are together. Don't get all weird because he was briefly with someone else. It happens, and now you have each other again!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2017): Lets put this in proper perspective.
You were apart and there was no official commitment between you. You had an understanding, but it was based on being reunited. Well, sweetheart, life goes on.
Wasn't everything reliant upon how you feel about each other once you reunited? How would you know until that time? You didn't plan for someone he knew to come along and a meaningless encounter would occur. It just happened. It's by coincidence you both know the guy. What occurs when you're single and uncommitted doesn't matter. Whom you were with is none of his business. Whom he was with is none of yours.
This ordeal is the perfect illustration of "over-thinking."
He said he doesn't care. That encompasses who, when, why, or where. Hopefully that goes for how you feel about him as well.
Now insert logic. What would you accomplish by telling him who? What importance would there be in doing so?
When you reunite, and start something new and wonderful. You wipe the slate clean, bury the past, and you focus on now.
I wish you the best, sweetheart!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2017):
 Just leave it in the past, there is REALLY no point in telling.
As far as your CURRENT BF is concerned you told you kissed someone and he told you he hooked up with someone as well - that you two weren't an item so all is good.
The guy you made out with, isn't trying to break you two up or keep kissing you and seeing you. As far as HE is concerned he rather forget it ever happened. I think you should respect BOTH guys and leave this incident of the kiss in the past.
If it didn't mean anything, then treat it as such. As a past memory.
Your current BF won't know who it was because the ONLY two people who know about it, is you and the guy you kissed and HE won't tell.
Let it go. Don't create drama out of a kiss.
Is the reason you are even considering telling because you want to know WHO your BF hooked up with? And by telling he might tell too? Because I see no other "logical" reason to discuss it. AT ALL.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2017):
 What for ? Stirring up a soap opera out of nothing ?
He is fine with you having kissed another guy, you are fine with him having hooked up with another girl. You were not even together when all this happened. End of story.
Moreover, remember that you are the owner and custodian only of YOUR own secrets, not of other people's- and you share 50/50 this little secret with the mutual friend, who does not want to come out and let it be known. So you are free to share your secret naming no names ( as you did ) but not to expose someone who told you explicitely he does not want to make your kiss common knowledge. In other words : don't kiss and tell :)
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 September 2017):
 Why would you tell him? What would it achieve?
He's told you he's fine with it and you're fine with what he did, so what's the point in creating unnecessary drama?
...............................
|
