A
female
age
30-35,
*ts9290
writes:Hello all! Okay, so I'll try and sum everything up in a quick paragraph because I desperately need advice. I am 20 and my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 and 1/2 years. For the most part, our relationship has been really good, however, there have been the bumps. For example, he has lied alot and this has really taken a toll on our relationship. Over the years, I have always felt uncomfortable around people who drink, etc. To top it off, each time my boyfriend lied to me, it had to do with alcohol. Now, he just turned 21 and is drinking everyday. Should I be happy that he is drinking only 3-4 beers a day and not getting drunk? Just knowing that he is drinking gives me a pit in my stomach. I hate the fact that he is the one that broke my trust and hurt me and now I'm the one trying to fix the trust and build my trust and he has no suggestions about how to fix the problem. PLEASE HELP! What do I do? Do I just forget the past, put down my wall, and trust in our relationship and him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): First of all, Denise has no idea what she is talking about. I used to be an alcoholic, and I hung around a lot of alcoholics. We would drink 12-24 beers a day. Some would drink more than that. 3-4 beers a day IS NOT ALCOHOLISM. In fact, in most countries in Europe men and woman drink 3-4 glasses of wine every day! America is the most abstinence based all or none type of country when it comes to alcohol. Let me put it to you this way.
1. Your boyfriend is not getting drunk.
2. Your boyfriend is not becoming belligerent, abusive, etc. when he drinks.
3. He is not drinking in a way that would harm his health.
He is not an alcoholic. I repeat. He is not an alcoholic. Go to a rehab. Alcoholics are people who drink to blackout states, drink 20 drinks a day, get DUIs, lose their families, get thrown in jail, etc. 3 or 4 beers is nothing. I used to be an alcoholic. I can now drink 3 or 4 beers. I beat it. My own therapist and other psyhchologists I talked to have told me I am drinking non abusively. So is your boyfriend. This woman Denise has absolutely no idea what she is talking about. Or she is one of these abstinent freaks who thinks anyone who drinks more than 1 beer has a problem. Remember, the French drink 3-4 glasses of wine every single day. It is known as the "french paradox", it is one of the reasons they live SO LONG! Denise, get a clue. This guy is not abusing alcohol. Abusing alcohol is drinking a 12 pack or getitng drunk. This guy is NOT getting drunk. Reader, be glad you have a boyfriend who can control his drinking. I used to be an alcoholic and I was hell to live with.
HOWEVER. He is lying to you about his drinking. I suspect he is doing this because you are intolerant of people drinking. Since you made it clear that you don't want him to drink (even responsibily), I am guessing that is why. I think you should cut him a break. He is not an alcoholic, he clearly controls his alcohol intake, and he has to live with someone who is so intolerant she wants to keep a responsible drinker sober so she can feel comfortable. Sounds like you have the problem with alcohol, not him. You said, the only times he lies, it has to do with drinking. AND HE ONLY DRINKS 3-4 DRINKS!!!. When I lied to my girlfriend about drinking I would say I had a few but I actually had 18!! Your boyfriend does not have the problem with drinking. YOU DO. Cut him some slack for gods sake. You should really go to a bar, a rehab, or some other place to find out what alcoholism is. Your boyfriend is a responsible drinker, and you are asking unreasonable demands on him. No wonder he lies. Again, let him drink (responsibly of course), which he has proven that he can do.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 July 2010):
 He is an alcoholic. It's an addiction.
You can't just lower your guard and try to fix this problem on your own. It won't happen. HE has to have an investment in kicking his habit and demonstrating (not just "saying") that he is trustworthy and wants to make it work between the two of you.
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