A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was in a 5 year relationship. We were happy for those years. Odd argument. He was very devoted to me. But I guess we wanted different things so in the end split up. He split up with me for the most part but it was a little amicable. Nevertheless it was painful.Couple weeks later he's with a girl who was after him from day one. Her ex even confirms that he knew of this for their 2 years together. And now I hear she's trying to replace me by taking him on holidays where I took him, and trying to get all his friends on side. She plays the victim a lot. I heard of one story where a friend of mine walked past and she instantly put a 'sad' face on. So his mates went over and gave her a hug, tried to cheer her up.Anyways, I have tried to be civil about everything even though it kills me. But she's playing a game and I don't want to play it.I was supposed to meet up with my ex to go for a dinner that we had agreed to go on months ago. I asked him again two weeks ago and he confirmed he was going. Then the day before I ask him again, nothing. He texts me three days later to say 'things came up, he wasn't feeling well'.It seems pretty obvious to me his new girlfriend had a lot to do with this. He was looking forward to going.The thing is he wants to be friends. I don't know why. Does he feel guilty or does he care for me? Then my second point is should I be friends with someone who has hurt me so much and continues to hurt me? And finally, what am I supposed to do about her? Even despite the fact she is with my ex, she is still a very dishonest and calculating person. She acts like a pathetic girl so guys feel manly around her. Whatever happened to brains and personality?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Hi. You say he wants to be friends but he didnt even have the decency to let you know he wouldnt be going to the dinner with you. If i were you i would try and move on and not worry about what they are doing. If shes not a very nice person you wont convince him of that, he will find out for himself eventually. In the meantime let them alone just be there for him if it all falls apart. If you keep getting in their business as an ex it might drive a wedge between you both.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 December 2009):
Sounds like he's been hooked in by this nutter and my advice is to leave him to it.
I am sure you have enough friends in your life that you don't NEED him. Although it would be nice to have him as a friend, all you will get is a load of drama.
Leave him to it and when he finally sees she's a complete psycho and gets single again, then you can take your friendship from there.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Hi, I went through a break up with a long term relationship some months ago, so I know how hard that is and how all kinds of ideas and worries go through your mind about your lost relationship and yes it hurts and it hurts a lot.
But let me tell you after living quite a few years and this not being my first break up I have learned a few things, I still do make mistakes for myself sometimes, but I won't go into that.
Here is the deal, depending on how long ago the break up was, your feelings are still pretty raw. It really is not a good idea to keep in contact at all by any means with your ex for a period of at least a couple of months so that you both have time to heal and get over your hurt feelings.
No matter how amicable the split was, you both have lost something very important in your lives, each other, and the relationship, so there are three elements here, you, him and the relationship.
Your ex moved on rather quickly and it makes sense he would go with someone who aggressively pursued him, but he is more than likely on the rebound, he didn't choose this girl wisely (as you say she has some personality defects) and he probably went with her because she is completely different from you. These rebound relationships more often than not fizzle out in a couple of months and she will end up hurt and feeling used when your ex is ready to move on. A lot of people avoid dealing with their negative feelings and hurt by jumping right into another relationship and it is really not fair to the person that they do this with.
However, it isn't right to hold your ex to an agreement for a night out for dinner that was made when you were together. I don't think his new girlfriend has mind control and made him back out. He simply did not want to go and you need to just forget about what ever you agreed to do together before the split. Your relationship is OVER.
I mean there may be some business matters that need to be cleaned up, money owed, possessions returned, etc, if you were living together this can take some time to get all sorted out so do it in a calm matter with as little contact as possible and then let it go.
You should not feel like this girl is replacing you or that she is a maniacal maniac for wanting to have his friends like her or for going on vacation where the two of you used to go.
He is moving on with his life and he is still the same person with the same friends and the same likes and dislikes so he will do some of the same things with her that he did with you. This girl didn't do anything wrong to you, so instead of sniping at her, own your own feelings of hurt, jealousy and disappointment and if you must dump them on anyone, then he is the person to get disgusted with or angry with.
In fact focus on the negative aspects of him and your relationship instead of the what ifs and the positives because your relationship didn't work out for a reason and it will help you get over things faster.
If you were at fault because of certain personality or character flaws, then work on those by yourself so that you don't make the same kinds of mistakes again.
If you ever wanted to get back together with your ex which does happen, the best way to do that is to first show him that you do not need him to be happy with your life, have no contact with him so he does not get the benefit of your friendship or emotional support (he needs to be given what he asked for, no you to see what life is really like without you) and no emotional displays, control your emotions and let him know you can quickly move on and accept the break up.
If his rebound relationship fizzles, he may start to call you again (my ex did) and then you may want to set some boundaries with him, never have sex with an ex, that is if you care about him at all or were and are serious about him. He will think actually that you are either over him or you just want the sex and not the relationship. If you think you would want to get back together you have to first learn to just hang out and have fun together and rebuild your relationship, you also eventually have to discuss why the broke up happened and what the problems were to see if those are resolved first or you will be headed for another hurtful break up.
However, after 5 years, I think it is more likely that your relationship has run it's course, as you said you both want different things and that happens, so it would be in your best interest to stop focusing on your ex and his girlfriend, he is no longer your problem, responsibility or concern and instead put your entire focus on you and building your own life. When you are ready go out on some dates with men and in time you will feel a lot better and will be happy with your new found independence.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): From poster: Just to add in there 'the dinner' wasn't just him and me. It was like a works event with our friends there too.
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