A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend wants me and my son to move away with him, he wants us to get married and he has always said he wants to adopt my son which is everything I want, but I can't help but feel bad that my son's real dad doesn't want anything to do with him unless it's to cause a problem.We have been together 4 years, my son was 9 months old when we met and my son calls my boyfriend daddy. As he's nearly 5, we have tried to explain that he isn't his real daddy but he just carries on calling him daddy. My ex has never wanted to play a part in our sons life, he doesn't support us in anyway, and all my son gets is a birthday and Christmas card with money in. Not that he wants or needs anything but it's horrible watching him open it and really not being bothered about it. His dad hasn't seen him in nearly 13 months, and that was only because we were invited to my son's cousin's christening. His family (some of them) try to see my son as much as they can, but it's awkward half the time. My boyfriend's family have always been so welcoming to us both, and have never referred to use as anything other then family. On paper it's perfect. I love my boyfriend and our life together. My son loves him and he keeps telling us (not asking!) he wants a brother. But I can't help but feel like it's not right to move away, let him adopt my son, and get married when I'm not 100% behind it. I don't still love my ex but he is the father of my child and I feel like I have a connection to him and it's stopping me from moving on to the next part of my life. I don't understand why this has happened over 4 years later but it's really getting to me. Please help me make sense of all this.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 September 2016):
 You have everything you need. Your fiance is a good man to be a daddy to this boy. This is all this boy needs and wants, he does not need money, he needs attention, love and care. I can understand why you are worried about moving him away from him biological dad, I really can, but you need to live your life, what is best for you and your son. If your son had to choose his daddy I am sure it would be your fiance. He has not bothered to see his son in 13 months, you do not need him in your life, he obviously does not care and should not have a say in your life.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (11 September 2016):
 Hm. You're feeling bad about essentially, putting "on paper" what is already a reality. Your fiancé is your son's father. He was there for your son where all true fathers should be. Your son knows this and your fiancé knows this. I have a younger sister who's biological father was uninterested when he was around and then, disappeared later on. I worried later on about this but when I ask her, she doesn't miss him or really want to know him. She wants to change her last name to my father's cause she feels like he was her father. Then, of course biological wants to object and complain that we're cutting him out of her life and negating him as her father. Well duh, he did nothing but contribute to her genes-nothing more! Anyone with able sperm can father a child but a dad changes diapers, stays up all night with ear infections and fevers, plays catch in the yard and watches cartoons with his soon. A real dad is a role model of manhood for his son, a real dad is there for first steps, first words, first sports games and the first teenage heartbreak. He stands by through rough times and good times. This is your fiancé- he's your son's dad. You may feel bad that this adoption is essentially the final step is securing your family and firmly keeping the ex out. But your ex has had his chance to accept fatherhood and has refused. His actions show he has absolutely no interest. No child deserves a cold Christmas card with money instead of a father figure. Thankfully, your son shrugs these off and can go to sleep knowing that he has a daddy who loves him very much. Look to the present and future. The past is over and done. There's a happy life ahead of you-accept it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 September 2016):
 To me, "daddy" is the man who raises a child, not the sperm donor (which appears to be all your ex was). Your son realises this, obviously loves the man who is daddy where it counts, and feels nothing for the man who created him then disowned him (hence the disinterest in a card twice a year with a few quid). Why would a 5 year old show any enthusiasm about a few quid? It is only "sad" to you because you feel he should feel some connection with his biological father, just because you do. Your son, IMO, has the healthiest attitude. How much effort does it take his biological father to send a card twice a year and not even buy a present but put money in? You have this idealistic image of your ex getting involved in your son's life at some stage but I think you must realise, after all this time, that this is highly unlikely to happen. Even if he did, he doesn't sound like he would keep it up. How heartbreaking would it be for your son to have his biological father come back into his life, to build up a bond with him, only to be dumped by him again later down the line? Surely it is better he has no connection with him until he is old enough to decide for himself whether he wants to meet him? Your son's welfare has to be the main concern here, not any residual feelings you may have about unfinished business with your ex. You have met what sounds like a lovely man. He wants to marry you, legally adopt the child he has helped you raise and who he obviously sees as his own and loves very much. Your son, too, loves this man and knows no other "daddy". The only "bottleneck" in all this involves your perceived "connection" to your ex. Sweetheart, this feckless man dumped you when you needed him most but, most importantly, he has nothing to do with his lovely little son. He obviously feels no connection with either of you. Your future sounds to be with this lovely caring man who wants to marry you and adopt the son he has helped you raise. Hopefully, your son will also get a sibling (or even siblings) later. Hopefully then you will see what a real "daddy" looks like rather than the feckless sperm donor who fathered a child and sees his total responsibility as sending a couple of cards each year with a bit of money in them. I suspect your son's biological father will probably kick off when it comes to adoption time (assuming his name is on your son's birth certificate, he will be contacted for his consent to the adoption). If he refuses, you can still change your son's surname to that of your then husband so that he does not feel any different to anyone else in the family. Good luck. Stop thinking about what could have been and marry that lovely man who adores you and your son.
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