A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a guy in a long distance relationship with a guy. We see each other a lot though, about ten days out of the month. Yesterday he texted me that he was going to a restaurant with some friends. Today, I saw pictures on facebook from a night out at a club, and he was there, a place where he's picked up guys before. It was from a friend of a friend commenting on a photo, so he doesn't know I saw them. I wonder why he didn't tell me where he was going, and if I should be concerned? He's got every right to hang out with his friends, but why would he omit that he was going out to a club? Is there something to hide, or on the other hand, maybe he just didn't want me to know because he didn't want my imagination to wander. Or maybe he was afraid I might interrogate him (I don't think I ever have). In any case, I feel like it threatens the trust in our relationship. Should I be concerned? Thanks.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 seems like the distance between you is causing a lot of insecurity. which is natural.
if you don't trust him how is this relationship going to work?
how long have you two been seeing each other?
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (2 August 2011):
seems like the distance between you is causing a lot of insecurity. which is natural.
if you don't trust him how is this relationship going to work?
how long have you two been seeing each other?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I'd be a little concerned. Mainly because you know he used to pick up guys there and he hasn't told you he was there for the evening. It was a kind of dishonesty by omission and your imagination is naturally going to run riot!
If he omitted telling you because he knew you would worry, well that's not a good sign really. Because it means he will go to places and maybe do things you worry about and think as long as he keeps quiet...what you don't know can't hurt you! But that is not being honest. Honest would have been to tell you where he was going and reassure you there was nothing to worry about. Maybe even call when he left the club to let you know he was off home alone. Just a reassuring touch to go with his honesty. That would have been the ideal. That is how trust and honesty build up over time in a relationship. Not by going off to old hunting grounds and keeping quiet about it!
It might be worth asking him if he enjoyed the meal and if they went on to anywhere else afterwards. Give him the chance to tell you the truth. If he lies and doesn't mention the club, then you will have to decide how much you can really trust him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 It could have been spur of the moment, they went to the restaurant then went, "hey guys, lets go dancing!" It's probably just his favorite club more than a spot he goes to hook up. Why not just ask about his night the next time you talk and see if he mentions it? If he mentions it, he's obviously not hiding anything. I don't think you need to worry.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 August 2011):
 What is wrong with him going out to a club with his friends?
Did he need to "clear" it with you first or debrief you about it later?
He said he was going out and he did. He did not need to give you a play by play moment of how he spent his time.
Dating someone (long distance or not) does not give you unlimited access to everything they do.
Trust is earned, but long distance relationships are not good for people with insecurities about what a person does all the time when they are apart.
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