A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve just started dating a man but I can’t tell how into me he is.We’ve had around 10 dates and spent days together in between. We’ve spoken about how neither of us want to rush into things and are both happy taking our time getting to know each other. We’re both good communicators and when we are together there is no issue at all, we get on famously, have a lot in common and thoroughly enjoy each others company.My issue is that he’s not a good communicator when we’re not together. He lives a couple of hours away. He calls me almost every evening for half an hour or so. Some days he is quite chatty over text but other days I may just get one message to check in and that’s it, if indeed he texts at all. He’s not a big phone person and is rarely on his phone which I accept but I find it concerning that he’ll often read my message instantly, yet not reply for hours or even until the following day. I’ve spoken to him about this and he said it’s just not him to message, he lives in the moment and is not living life via his phone. He’s made an awful lot of effort to see me and I’ve no concerns that he’s hiding something or misleading me over anything, I just hate how little he communicates in between visits.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2020):
 .. Maybe it's not that he communicates too little, as instead that you tend to communicate too much ?…
Come on, OP . This is something very recent, yet you have had 10 dates and spent time together between dates; and, from what you say, so far you have no reasons for concern, but that he is not a good communicator when you are not together. Only… he actually is ! He speaks with you on the phone half an hour almost every day . And , although he is not into texting, nevertheless he texts every day, and some days he is actually really chatty.
It sounds to me that either you are a really anxious and insecure type, or .. you live glued to your phone as if you still were a teenager. I think he already made some sort of compromise , not being a natural born texter, to meet your communication needs ; now it's your turn, and you should try to keep these needs manageable, reasonable and age-appropriate. Most adults could not text all day long and / or answer their messages right away even if they would
( and they don't want to ); there are lots of workplaces where attending to personal business ,like phone or text convos, during work hours, is strongly frowned upon , or downright forbidden. But even if he is unemployed, or self - employed- life interferes, - there are tons of occasions where answering texts right away is not practical, advisable or polite. So, you should try to relax- and to occupy well your time ,in a way that does not make you so dependent from communicating with this guy.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 January 2020):
 I cant see anything here to be concerned about, assuming he works its not always possible to answer straight away … he is there to do his job not respond to your texts.
Not everybody is into texting, if he phones you for a 30 minute conversation every evening you are already way in front of a lot of other people.
He has told you texting is not him. Well, either accept him as he is or go find some dude who is into texting. Constant communication can be a thrill killer.
Do you work? Are you texting on your boss's time? Or are you not in employment at the moment and so expect somebody else to entertain you.
Try going for a walk instead, or read a book, or volunteer at the old peoples home or something that expands your life so that it doesn't depend on somebody else.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 January 2020):
 I usually read posts before looking at the profile of the poster. I had you down as a teenager!
On the one hand you say you have agreed you both want to take things slowly yet, on the other hand, you want to be texting all day? My best friend has her own company, works on her own and sometimes will text me while I am at work when something has irked her as she has nobody "there" to speak with. I don't always have time to reply until much later, even though I usually read messages as they pop up. Does that mean I don't care? Absolutely not. It just means I have a life and I will reply to her when I get chance (unless it is something urgent).
Considering you are both "taking it slowly", you seem to be in communication a lot more than I would have reasonably expected at this stage. So no, I don't think there is a problem at all. Chill and enjoy. He sounds great.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 January 2020):
 I have to say I'm like him too. I DO NOT have my phone attached to me, I DO NOT reply to ALL messages right away, and I DO NOT give lengthy answers over text.
He wants to GET to know YOU as a person IN person. Not some through some (probably) rather generic texts, like how was your day or whatnot.
And SOME texts DO NOT require an answer, or an answer right away.
My husband was away for the weekend and sent a text about how they were expecting shitty weather. I was at the Mall with the kids so I READ the message and relied 3 hours later (when we got home) telling him to drive home safely, since it was a 3 hours drive. HE then replied 2 hours later... that they would and to expect him around 8 ish.
Perfectly "normal" conversations over text for US. Maybe not for some but for us that is pretty much the extend. It's messages, NOT conversations.
Conversations are for in person or over the phone.
Back before everyone had a cell phone which I think YOU are old enough to recall, you WENT about your LIFE and LOOKED FORWARD to seeing someone you were dating, to talking to them on the phone.
I think your expectations or "need" to have constant access to him, thinking if IF he texts you a lot he isn't secretly married or whatnot, but you are wrong there. Being in constant contact DOESN'T ensure that he won't or can't hide stuff from you. YOU are STILL getting to know him.
Either ACCEPT that he is NOT a texting kind of fellow or... decide that you NEED instant gratification in the way of being able to CONSTANTLY be in contact with your potential partner and end it with this one because HE IS NOT going to change.
Have some FAITH in your guy. And have some trust in WHEN he says he isn't BIG on texting, then HE isn't big on texting. Were ANY of the messages you sent really THAT important that they required an INSTANT reply? My guess is no.
I think you need to take a huge dose of chill pill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2020): You're describing me!
At the risk of being biased, I can't see anything wrong!
Try to get used to something different. I think you've got yourself a rare jewel of a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2020): He's an excellent communicator. He calls you for 30 mins almost every day which is a lot of effort. You're asking too much. People are busy and have lives. Small talk via text is meaningless when you connect well in person and on the phone. You're being very needy. Don't ruin a good thing with insecurity and neediness. He's clearly very into you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2020): I'm sorry but I just don't understand how you can think that he's not into communicating when he calls you most evenings for about half an hour. That sounds great! Anymore than that and I don't know what you'd find to say! And he messages sometimes as well.In your own words everything in the garden is rosy, so why oh why are you looking for problems when there really doesn't seem to be any? Don't start being clingy and too demanding. Get yourself some outside hobbies and distractions so you're not thinking about him all the time. If you're not worried about anything shady going on and you keep on at him about not enough communication, when to me it sounds like plenty, then you're going to scare a perfectly good, nice man away.
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