A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34 and my girlfriend is 31. We have been seeing each other for about 10 months and i've been living at her place for 4. We are both very serious about the relationship and talk about a future together, house/kids the only trouble is i find that our relationship severely lacks intimacy. Since the very beginning we have had sex maybe about once a week at the most. She works quite long hours and often claims to be tired but even on days off we may not have sex. Not only that but when i go to kiss her/embace her she often pulls away. I just find it really tough to get close to her physically and it makes me doubt the relationship when i get knocked back. We have spoken about this and she says shes just not a tactile person and not into cuddles/kisses. But from the conversations weve had she has had relationships with exs that are quite intense and certainly more sexual than ours. She seems completely content with an almost platonic relationship (maybe a slight exagerration but i feel like im constantly the one asking for some kind of physical contact). My fear is that i am just considered a good enough candidate for child rearing and that she doesnt and has never really enjoyed sex with me. Im not sure how i feel about this in the context of my lifetime relationship and whether or not the insecurities this raises in me will cause bigger problems further down the line. Any advice on this would be greatfully appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): Thanks for your answers. I've tried talking about this but the standard response is that I'm just being selfish and not considering how she is. She tells me she needs to just BE sometimes and that involves having her own space. Shes told me shes just not a touchy/feely person. I do understand this but am feeling slightly depressed by the lack of affection I receive from her. I want to feel that this is fixable and that in time I'll learn to live with it but am worried at the same time that were just not compatible. I need maybe more affection than she does. I don't remember the last time we had a passionate kiss even during sex and this isn't from a lack of trying. My main problem I think is that by withholding affection my girlfriend is affecting my Self confidence and making me feel unattractive!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): I was in a similar situation with my wife before we got married. It seems to me your odds of being happy in this relationship long term are probably not very good. My suggestion is to try to determine if the lack of intimacy bothers you because of your insecurities, or if it's because you simply want to get laid more often (it can be a combination of both, of course). My best guess is that the sex with her never will be hot and heavy. As far as I can tell, a woman's desire for sex in a relationship rarely goes up if it starts low. If you do have children, she will be even more tired, and will likely have even less interest in sex.If you think it's your insecurities that are the biggest problem, there's at least a chance you can work on that and get it under control so it doesn't bother you. I suggest getting your insecurities under control as much as you can whatever you decide. Even if thing sdon't work out with your current GF, most women you are likely to meet will have had sex with quite a few men before you, and the odds are high that sex with you won't be anything spectacular compared to some of their prior relationships (nothing personal, that is probably true for almost everyone, it's just a fact of life)If having sex more frequently is really important to you because you have a high sex drive, I doubt you would be happy with your GF long term.I have quite a few guy friends in my general age range (30s and 40s)who got married to women who wanted sex frequently before marriage, but lost interest later. I have no friends who married a woman who initially had little interest in sex, and later got into it. My wife (then fiance) and I had talked to a relationship counselor before we got married, and the counselor said that in 30 years of practice she had never seen a case where the sex got better after a couple got married.It seems to me it would make sense to get into a situation where your odds of being happy long term are better.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 You need to be completely honest with her and tell her exactly how this is making you feel. If you are planning a future together then you need to be honest with her. There could be a number of reasons why she pushes you away. Maybe she feels if she responds to your kisses or cuddles that you always expect sex therefore she pushes you away. Maybe think less about sex and show her that you can be intimate with her without expecting her to hop in to bed with you.
Maybe she just does not have a big sex drive. You will never no until you sit down and talk to her properly. Tell her how you feel about her past relationships and how it makes you feel personally. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, synchrohobbit  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 She actually told you how intimate she was with other boyfriends? If she keeps bringing that up I would be concerned that she thinks something is missing. However, there is also a possibility that the sexual intensity of some of her past relationships have made her just want one that is more relaxed and focused on emotions. A lot of couples start off like bunnies and then the sex life peters out, so maybe it will actually be good in the long run and this amount of sex will remain stable. It is of course important to ask yourself about the quality of the sex when it does happen: Is it passionate and fun? Do you both experience intense pleasure? If it seems forced on her part I would agree with your last statement about potential problems down the line. Finally, do know that some women are just like stereotypical men and don't really want to cuddle or kiss unless it is special.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (9 December 2011):
 I don't believe it's o.k. for individuals who are living together and talk about the future and kids not have a normal sex life. Baring artificial insemination and adoption, how does she expect kids to be in your lives without sex? Now don't get me wrong, feeling overworked and being tired does plays a huge role in the mood of an individual. But when she's not interested even on her days off- or she mentions to you that she's just into kisses, cuddling, or just simply not a "tactile person"- and you know for a fact that wasn't the case prior to you... then there's an issue. The only thing I could think of is she doesn't feel a good connection when you two are intimate. There may be something lacking. Have you two talked about what you like/don't like when it comes to sex? Are you keeping things interesting in the bedroom? Or is it routinely the same each time? You may have to spice things up. I would also recommend that you two see a couples therapist and/or a sex therapist to work on your problems. Best of luck!
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