A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been chatting to a guy online and we seem quite similar in our outlook. He said he had a longterm relationship and then went on the dating app tinder and slept with 5-6 women as only wanted something casual but realised he wanted more. This stopped me in my tracks. I am just wondering if this is a good idea meeting him now. He says he is now looking for a proper relationship. It just seems so calculated how he was and went about it. What now? Do I meet him or avoid this altogether. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (28 July 2015):
Dear OP,I suppose that in earlier times, men HAD to lie to get into womens' panties when there was no intention of marrying them or seriously committing. But today? As far as I know, tinder people are pretty straightforward about their intentions, so maybe those women knew he wanted casual sex and agreed to that. And if he had casual sex with 5-6 women on tinder, why would he be lying to you now? Just to get more casual sex? I believe if he just wanted that, he could just stick to his tinder strategy. It would spare him the negative emotions of leading you on and causing you to accuse him later. This might not be a very mature approach, but after breaking up from my first relationship, I also had a phase of casual sex until I realized how lonely I felt and how much I actually longed for love. Maybe some people realize that after one fling, maybe some people need six.I don't mean you have to meet a man that informs you about his number of casual sex partners (why? to impress you?) or that there is an obligation to see him or agree to what he did. Just that he might not be playing a specific game.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 July 2015):
 You know anon male, I would give the same advice to a male asking about a female who had gone from a long term relationship into a series of casual flings.
However it IS more socially acceptable for a male to be "promiscuous" than for a woman.. for whatever odd reason. promiscuous is promiscuous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): What did this guy do? Have half a dozen brief flings? I don't see how that is such a bad mark on his character.
When a man asks Dearcupid if he should be cautious about a woman with that kind of history, he gets ripped a new one. People start by bitching at him for daring to wonder if a string of casual sex might be a bad sign in a woman. Then they go on to bitch at him for having a double standard because its somehow fair to assume all men are sluts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): I am op. Its strange I can give great advice but when it comes to me I wobble. I want to trust my intincts here but also wanted a wider opinion as my friends all are too close to home.
I chooose to......NOT meet him!!!
Going to keep my standards high and my knickers on!!!
Thanks Dear Cupid Aunties xxx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 July 2015):
 IF you meet him and you like him all judgement on your part may fly out the window.
IF you can meet him in public and NOT sleep with him, go ahead and meet him. Keep your clothes on. Do not go to his place or in a car or anywhere else he can continue to sweet talk you.
HE MAY be telling the truth but better to err on the side of caution and make him prove himself over the long haul.
IF all he wants is sex you will know fast enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): Meeting him is fine, if you want to see what a male-ho looks like. The problem is, if he slept with five or six women, he's a player. His game is to get as many women in the sack as he can. To skirt any bad judgement, he tells you he wants something "meaningful." He's a pig, and the internet is his feeding trough.
How gullible are you? I think you smell a rat!
Why would a guy tell you he slept with five or six women before he met you? Sounds like bragging, to let you know he can get whatever he wants. As if you should feel privileged!
Seriously?!!
He'll turn on the charm, and tell you whatever you want to hear. If you ever got the chance to speak to the other women; he probably said the same crap to each and every one of them. Then dumped them.
Nah!!! Do an about-face...run!!! The odds are he's just gonna see what it takes to get in your pants. When he said meaningful, he means he just wants more of a challenge. The others were too easy. He wants someone who'll put up more resistance; so he'd get more thrill and satisfaction out of his victory. Once that's accomplished, you'd be as meaningless to him as the others.
There's only one word that comes to mind.
Next!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2015):
Sleeping with 5-6 women casually made him realize that he wanted a serious relationship.. *cough* I call BS.
I could see if it had been 1 or even 2 casual flings that made him realize that casual wasn't what he wanted. But 5-6? Yeah, not buying it.
To me it sounds like a "I'm, pretending to want a serious thing to get in your pants, because I can sense YOU are not looking for casual".
It's like the guy who talk marriage and kids right off the bat, because they KNOW that MANY women WANT just that... and when they (the guys) tire of the chick, they pull the... I'm not really ready for a serious relationship after all.
Not saying that this (or ALL guys) do this, but I have seen it a lot here on DC.
And personally, if YOU find it unattractive or a no-no THAT is OK. Toss him back and try again. I think he was "dumb" to tell you about the casual flings, because many women would find that a bit of a turn off.
I could be totally wrong, that he just wanted to be absolutely open and honest with you, so you didn't feel like you got the "cat in a bag" - but .. it kind of backfired on him.
If he otherwise seems like a good match, then why not met up. You can go as slow as you want. And you know... IF he is just looking for another notch in his "hook up" belt... he won't want to go slow.
Just because he had a hook up period doesn't mean he is a bad guy or bad match. I would definitely NOT have sex without a STD screening (for you both).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 July 2015):
 It would be conventional thought to abstain from sex for a while to heal from a long term relationship rather than to use different people to scratch an itch. Other people don't think there is a problem with it. I don't think it is uncommon for people to do this until they are ready to settle down either. Sometimes people are more complex than just being players, and just traditional. You can never tell how people would always behave based on the past. Of course if you are the traditional type you would feel more comfortable if your man is the same way. Some people married each other as high school sweethearts, then had temptations to cheat because they wonder what else is there and what they missed out on. Experienced people are more relaxed about it because they are over that curiosity, "play the field" stage and can move on to finer things.
It's just he's an honest man, too honest in fact. I am open minded. I have a fair share of casual sex experience but I would not like to hear about it, nor would I share what I have done with ex lovers. He must assume you have no problems about that since many people are like that, or he thought you would appreciate his honesty.
I don't automatically think he's the cheater type or commitment phobe, but if casual sex is never your thing, then you two have different values and may be incompatible. I totally understand why you feel turned off as I would too. When you are dating you pick the best one, the one that gives you no doubts. If he's absolutely the only one you can find and you don't feel like starting over with the search, then you need to go slow and learn more from him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 July 2015):
 It sounds like your instincts have already told you what to do and you want validation. OK, I will validate them your instincts may have just saved you from a wretched affair. Bail out while you can.
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