A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyoneA couple of months ago I met a man. We're both in our late 50s and single. We live about 100 miles apart and have met up four times and had a great time. He always gives me big hugs hello and goodbye, and he bought me flowers the first time he visited me at my house. We haven't kissed, not even on the cheek. We only see each other every few weeks or so. We also message each other about once or twice a week - the messages are just friendly and never have kisses at the end, but always end with "hugs" and our names (he started this and I followed suit). He hasn't suggested that we be any more than friends, but it's becoming obvious by his actions and the way he reacts to me that he would like more than friends. Try as I might, I just cannot feel attracted to him and just want this to continue as friends.How can I let him know politely and kindly that I just want this to continue as a friendship and no more. I enjoy his company am happy to see him every few weeks and no more, but I definitely don't want this to progress into any kind of romantic relationship.I really don't want to upset or hurt him.Any advice is really appreciated.Thank you.
View related questions:
flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 July 2015):
 The "let's start as friends" is as old as courtship itself. It's his "in" in order to become more than friends with you. You already know that it's apparent that he wants more.
You need to tell him that "We'll never be more than friends" and give him no hope. You'll hurt him a lot more if you lead him on or DON'T shut him down permanently.
You can tell him you enjoy his friendship, but you need to make it clear that it will NEVER be more, no matter what. That is the only honest thing you can do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses.When we first agreed to meet up, we agreed that it would just be as friends, so I assumed that it would continue as friends. So now I'm feeling a bit surprised by the way he's obviously starting to like me in a more romantic way. We're meeting up again in a few weeks to go to an event with the club we both belong to. I think I will just say that I am enjoying the friendship and tell him how I'd like us to remain just friends. Also, he visited me at my house as he had been in the area and my house was on his route home, so he didn't make the trip especially to see me. And the other times we've met up we've both travelled to meet at a central point and then spend the day with others from our club. Ugh, so hard. I really don't want to hurt his feelings and disappoint him, but I do not want to lead him on in any way. Plus, whether we continue as friends or not, we're going to be seeing each other in the future at events with our club.Again, thank you all for your words of wisdom.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 July 2015):
You can't have it just continue as a friendship, because what you REALLY want is his paying premium attention to you and making you feel special without reciprocating.
No guy just interested in a platonic friendship drives 100 miles at a time several times per month and buys a girl flowers. A man's attention is intoxicating, but unless you tell him that you'll never be interested in him, you're leading him on.
You can't have your cake and eat it too, meaning you can't have his full attention as he attempts to pursue you romantically while at the same time shutting him down because you're not interested.
It's okay not to be interested, and at this point, honesty is the best policy. But give him no doubt as to your lack of interest. Don't give him hope either overtly or covertly that there's hope for him. There is no "I just want the friendship because I enjoy your company" because come on...that is *not* what he wants. It may have been platonic on your end, but it's not a platonic relationship on his.
If you do your job right (i.e. give him no hope for a romantic relationship), he will break off the pursuit as he finds another woman to court. When this happens, you can't go texting/calling/pursuing him just to get his attention back. That isn't fair.
I wouldn't even wait until he meets you. I'd either meet him or call him and tell him that you don't want to lead him on. Like WiseOwle said, his 200 mile round trip travel to see you makes it painfully clear that you are not and never will be a platonic friendship to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (28 July 2015):
 It's best to be upfront about it. The next time you meet, perhaps while talking, bring up the fact that you're single and would like it to remain that way, a good way to express it without saying you have a problem with him, as such.
But however you do it, do it quickly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): If you sense he wants to be more than friends, spare his feelings. Don't lead him on. Just allowing him to keep visiting, and continue growing more attached to you.
Don't use him just to keep you company; when you know good and well he is looking for more than just a few hugs, and a "friend."
Let him find someone who is attracted to him. He's courting you, not looking for "a friend." He'll agree to being friends, but will use the opportunity to see if there's anyway to change your mind. That gets weird and uncomfortable, if there's no way it will ever change.
I say nip it in the bud, be honest up-front. If necessary, send him on his way. He's probably a lonely gent; and thinks he found someone interested. He travels too far to see you, for what you want to offer him.
We're mature-adults. We don't play games anymore.
...............................
|
